Lost, for now.

I can say, with great honesty that I am currently feeling lost. Not geographically as living in London does set you up with great navigational skills. It begins with the tube map – I had an obsession when I was about 12 to learn the names of all the tube lines and each station by heart (well in zones 1 and 2 anyway). This led to bus routes as I gave up the tube when I hit 26 (that’s another story). I learnt every stop on the 55 bus route and knew all diversions and alternative buses should an emergency arise and the 55 goes out of action. I travelled from East London to central everyday for 5 years, estimated travel time was 2 hours each way. Most would say ‘you’re freaking mad, you mad bus lady’ but actually it was a great way to invest time in reading novels as this is something I always thought I should do but never did… until I travelled on the 55. My breakup with London is a sore subject, as I now don’t do the 55-bus route, or any route into central London. This fact could be one ingredient of many as to why I am feeling lost and disconnected with the ‘real’ world.

If there is a real world, whose real world is it anyway? My real world could be miles apart from the real world of the family I can see out of my bedroom window. They eat at different times; they stand in front of the bathroom window when they’re brushing their teeth (sometimes naked but I don’t like to stare), their whole morning regimen is foreign to me (FYI I do brush my teeth in the morning but never naked, which is weird as I quite like being naked in the morning. Maybe our bathroom is colder than theirs).

There is no set path, I get that now and I also get that yearly planning is a complete waste of time. I am going to be 34 in 27 days. I live at home with my parents and after a small war during a breakup with an ex 4 years ago, I managed to keep the dog we got together and brought him home too. I am also jobless, through choice. I did have a job but a little voice in my gut was telling me to leave, so I listened and I left. I do seem to make spontaneous decisions – the feeling comes, I act upon that feeling and leave little thought for the consequences. So, I am now a single woman, of nearly 34, sharing a dog with her parents and I have no job or money. This is not a bad position to be in. This is a clean slate, a fresh start, and a blank canvas. I am the calm river before the storm, crossing my fingers that the storm is short and brings sunny weather with chirping birds. I am also trying to write a book. I’ve been saying that for the past 4 years now “What am I doing with my life? Oh I’m writing a novel, a really long and epic novel”. Well this is proving to be a very slow task as I am the world’s biggest procrastinator (I know that all procrastinators say that but in the reality of me, I am award deservingly good at procrastination). Hence the blog. I thought this might help get things moving, help me to find shit to write about even though I know there’s always shit to write about it, it’s the sitting down to actually write that’s feels so torturous for a writer. I’ve even started taking cold showers in the morning to help me with my discomfort in life. If I can take on the ice-cold water in the winter mornings, surely I’d be able to sit down and write! I guess every little push helps, even if I can’t see the results yet.



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