This act is so simple and anchoring the hell outta me since I woke this morning.
Our free life force, we’re bathing in this magic always, no fee for this force of power. We feel no pain to retrieve it, regardless of what’s happening in our lives, we always have access, no matter what. Yet, most breathe with caution, unconsciously limiting our supply. I’ve been suppressing my body with rationed breath; only NOW do I see it’s the remedy, settling the anxiety roaming around the lands of my daily existence. The breath is that key we need within moments of contraction, to open those doors we slam shut. We close up, boarding up our windows and deafen the hum of the outside world as we re-run scenes of our life that shouldn’t have made the final cut. Or maybe that’s just me?!
To breathe is a gift, a free one – not priced like gold, there’s no need to invest blood, sweat or tears into each breath in motion. It’s pain-free, no tit for tat, free like the blossom that brightens our gardens or the bird song that lifts our spirits.
Why have I been craving for more, more success, more of having more lately? Inadequate feelings have taken the whip and shit, they’re lashing out like a desperately hungry wild cat.
Stop, listen, and watch the breath, that’s been my mantra today. I’m putting my hand on my belly to witness how much I’m allowing in. Why so little? There’s so much more to inhale yet why so shallow? So much attention is placed on the external world, so much ‘stuff’ to buy and so many ways we believe to be making our mark, stamping our signature on the world. We buy and then we buy more. We buy to grow, to show, to prove; yet the breath is shallow. We eat more, we work out more, and we panic more yet the breath is still shallow.
The deeper I breath, the deeper I crave it. The deeper I crave it, the deeper I breathe. The deeper I breathe the more I want to shed all that surrounds me. The more I want to strip away those layers that I built up, fuelled by the shallow breath. I feel like I’m allowing myself more space, each breath brings a greater expansion within me. As the belly rises and the diaphragm expands, so does my place in this world, so does the space I feel like I deserve to exist within. I’m no longer feeling like the deer in the headlights, no longer restricting the beautiful life force that flows so freely into our lives, each and every moment. Did I once feel like I wasn’t deserving of this fruitful life force, that my body didn’t deserve this nourishment? Why on earth do we restrict something so vital to our existence?
Like many things, breath is a subconscious action through life, it just ‘is’. So, when growing up it’s a given, like the beating of your heart or your mouth moving as you talk. You’re growing into the life you’re being shown. Sometimes that doesn’t feel so great, you’re in situations that feel uncomfortable or you wonder why you’re being told to do something that doesn’t ignite any spark or raise the passions that you’ve felt doing something you discovered on your own, when you followed your own compass. We form questions about the world as we grow and the more we question the more we begin to understand ourselves within the world around us. So actually, we need the juxtaposition to move forward, to know what we don’t want and strive towards our true being. The more you question, the more information comes, like it’s followed you, seeking you out this whole time. It’s been knocking at that locked door and banging on the boarded windows, you just didn’t want to open the door for fear of what danger might invade your space, the dark space you’ve become so familiar with. I’m beginning to understand that the dark feelings I’ve held so closely, they’re my ‘safe’ and familiar setting, default setting if you like. Each setting is like a finger pressing the tender spot on my already bruised body. Each uncomfortable moment becomes an uncomfortable memory, freezing within this dark space, as this process continues the pressure builds and creates another bruise. Over and over again this happens until bruises cover me completely, even the simplest of activities brings discomfort. Moving out of the familiar releases that pressure, it doesn’t move to another part of my body, it leaves me alone, like I’ve moved out of the firing line altogether. Each new experience brings more curiosity and to be curious about life is what keeps us alive, right?
I’m at that spot right now, where pressure is so heavy on the tender skin it’s proving hard to breath through the pain yet I know it’s deep, expansive breath that my body is craving. If I breath deeper, the pressure seems to worsen before the release, like an expanding sponge in a small glass tumbler, the more I absorb, the smaller the tumbler becomes. I need to shift out of this small tumbler I’ve dived into head first, believing every limiting stories about myself. The shallow breath only echo’s this claustrophobic hole I’ve buried myself into.
Each day as I feel the panic, the frustration, the heat of the flame rise from the root, burning uncontrollably, I breathe that little bit deeper, sometimes more than feels comfortable. As I bring more air to the fire something happens, a taming, a calming of the ash that once burnt through the positive thoughts and soothing intentions. Balance happens, even if it’s just for a few moments, that’s enough to see a change, stillness allows the I’m-ok-but-not-really-ok-smile become a genuine sensation of peace. My body surrenders and all the limiting thoughts about myself don’t spear so violently anymore.
The breath is medicine. It’s the simplest answer, the easiest solution that we have infinite access to, yet I still seem to be denying my body the best and most delicious medication that money can’t buy.