Being with a kid doesn’t make me want one, fact. I know, I’m told that when it’s your own it’s different but it’s not and seriously, i can’t hold a child for longer than a few minutes without wanting to give them back. So, I often wonder, do I want to take the gamble?

Yes, motherhood is incredible. Its magic and mind-blowing and all things beyond my comprehension, it’s also worth a freak out when you think about the growth of another being inside… you cant see it or hear it or touch it, it’s a sci-fi movie, another realm from another universe! Ah the womb, that part of me that bleeds and cramps each month, the part my body that ached so much that in the past, I’ve cursed and damned being a woman, oh and the padded sanitary towels and the tampons (even thought I’ve never been able to wear one longer than 3 hours, I was probably putting them in wrong or something but their invasion inside my vagina was always of discomfort). Yep, it’s because of our magical womb, the cause of the pains each month that us women can host such a miraculous event, growth through pain, ah just like life! By the way, I fucking love being a women, I’d take it over being a man any day.

So, motherhood, it’s a treasured thing but right now, I don’t want a child and if you’ve never wanted one and you’re now 34, will the urge ever hit? I feel this is a genuine confession but it does leave me feeling a little cold. If I see a baby picture on instagram I genuinely think they’re adorable and will most probably double tap the photo but that’s it, I scroll on and forget about the previously seen child (until another pops up in the feed, at this age, babies are a popular thing to take photos of). It’s photos of trees and herb collecting in magical landscapes and tarot card readings and women promoting our inner goddess and impossible looking yoga poses that seems to get my blood pumping, not babies.

‘Never say never’… that’s right, we can never know what’s going to happen down the line but I do wonder that maybe some women are cut out to be mothers and others, well they just aren’t. Women are supposed to have babies’ right? That’s pretty much the opinion I held as I was growing up, like I never wanted one in the moment when I’d think about having one but I always thought the day might come when I would. I was never under any pressure from my folks to have my own ‘family’, I was just under the impression that I’d want a child once I’d grown up and met the handsome man that my 14 year old self had imagined my future self to marry (that’s the kind of future dreams you have when The Little Mermaid was your favourite film, that and singing underwater)

Well here I am… I’m not married, I don’t want to get married and I don’t feel any need to get married. I love having the freedom to wake up early, do yoga and drink my coffee in peace as the cat sleeps next to me and the dog teases the cat, begging her to play with him even though she never has in the 4 years they’ve lived together. I mean, that’s entertainment right there. I like to be able to shut myself away from the world, hence being a writer. I’ve never liked crowds or being crowded, I’m not a fan of social demands… aren’t kids always going to want my attention, I’d imagine they’re pretty demanding? I don’t want sore breasts or toys scattered all over the room and I’m so tired from feeding every three hours that I can’t be arsed to pick them up. Then there’s the school situation. School was absolute hell for me and I would hate for my child to go through the same thing so I ‘d want to home-school but I doubt I’m qualified enough to do this. Or I could have a kid who loves school and then we’d have to live in the same place for 6 years. I wouldn’t want to screw my kid up by having to make them change schools every time I felt I needed a change of scenery. I don’t like to stay in the same place for too long, or at least I like the option to move, guilt free, if I wanted to. Maybe I’m too selfish to have kids? That could be it.

I do think of baby names sometimes but I also have two wedding dresses (a whole other journal entry for that one) and may never use them. Sometimes we can get a little obsessed about the things we think we should be wanting in life but if we’re true to our core beliefs, we don’t.

I’m a single woman having these ‘don’t-want-baby’ thoughts, I’m sure I’m not the only single woman who’s thought this and then BAM, they meet someone and two years later their married with two kids. I seem to thrive when I’m single, that’s not to say I don’t adore being in love because I do, it’s incredible. I’m just happy being able to be me and I know that in previous relationships I’ve allowed my partners needs to shadow mine. I think being out of a relationship gives you so much time to learn about yourself, to know yourself and to love yourself, really love who you are without having to hear someone else say the words ‘I love you’. I can say these words and really mean it, with no expectations ‘Emily, I love you!’. Only God knows when my next relationship will be but until then, I’m cool with how things are for now.

Life is fucking crazy, the more I slow down, the more I realise how everything moves way too fast and some days I get really caught up in the speed that I’m trying to slow down from. Some days I think there are not enough hours in the day (now, if I’m thinking that without kids… holy moly, with kids??!) or I’ll think about how I’m getting older and I haven’t achieved enough. These are all bullshit thoughts as what’s enough anyway and how many more hours do I actually need to do something that can always be done tomorrow.

Maybe that’s where I’m at, I only have enough space in my life for myself, I can only focus on me or maybe I do need someone else to focus on, takes the pressure off, maybe all those thoughts directed at me won’t feel so intense. I guess there are no right or wrong answers, as one thing we can be sure of, change is inevitable. That’s the beauty of life, nothing is ever gonna stick, not permanently anyway. Whatever I’m feeling, it could be sadness or panic or worry or absolute bliss, whatever the feeling, it’ll most probably morph into a different state within a few minutes (I try not to dwell). As beings of this ever-changing universe the life/death/life cycles are perpetual. We cannot stop time. One moment leads to another and another and another like a rock flowing downstream in the river, no moment is ever the same, that rock is rocking new adventures every second. The evolution of life = born, grows (flows down the river), die. It’s pretty simple when you look at it that way. Nature is teaching me so much this spring, we have an abundance of trees in our neighbourhood, the cherry blossom is beautiful beyond words. I’ve never felt such an intimate connection with nature as I have been over the past few months. I see the life pumping through the veins of every flower, every leaf, every branch, and every insect that crosses my path. Nature, it’s incredible and beautiful and overwhelming, it brings me closer to god, to myself, to everyone and everything. Right now, I feel surrounded by life, by the magic and miracles within nature and maybe for this reason, I don’t feel a need to create a life inside of me. I have plenty to love and nurture and tend to within my surroundings and for now, that satisfies me completely. Well, for now anyway… today I am the rock floating down the river, let’s see what adventures await.

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