Mothers Coat

A girl

Nuzzling into her mothers velvet coat

Catching her tears

As they darken the purple fibres

Tears

Never to greet the lines of her smile

Erased before salt waters

Nourish hungry pores

A girl

Waiting

For yellow grass on timeless lands

To weave an emerald blanket

Enticing rainbows

And spirited pilgrims

Who’ll loan their ears

To listen

A girl

Wishing her feet to swell

Grounding as choreographed storms

Dance hand in hers to sweep across the empty floor

Forceful swirls captivate unwillingly

A girl

Tamed

As imposed words are stitched upon her tongue

Good girl

Nice girl

Syrup oozing from the rope burns

Angels who’ve hounded her pleasant ways

Beckoning

For veracity to bellow freely from her skeletal cave

Snapping threads

And carving stories

Her stories

A girl

Nuzzling into her mothers velvet coat

Inhaling familiarity

And buried truths

Of generations before her

Pulsating through her veins

Liquid addictions

And mercury fillings

Tolerating the rotten saliva moistening repression

And all the while

Roots plagued with hereditary decay

A girl

Playing woman

Her limbs alluring wandering eyes

Desired

Like diamond stars guiding the hungry miner

Chiselling

His brow sweating above hers

Her skin coated in brine

And cloudy resin tightly sealing her lips

Well done

You play woman so well

A girl

Nuzzling into her mothers velvet coat

Catching her tears

Until all life has bled from her ducts

And remnants of rose perfume

Muffles the punches

Again

And again

And again

 

Topsy-Turvy

What a topsy-turvy world this be

Where cats go moo

And cows go boo

And dogs live under the sea

 

What a topsy-turvy world this be

Where smiles cry tears

And laughing spreads fears

And a frown can fill hearts with glee

 

What a topsy-turvy world this be

Where stones taste like bread

And figs made of lead

Are crushed to make afternoon tea

 

What a topsy-turvy world this be

Where songs burn words

And words catch birds

And birds drink the bark of a tree

 

What a topsy-turvy world this be

Where eyes do speak

And ears do to peek

And to open a mouth needs a key

 

What a topsy-turvy world this be

Where man loves to ban

And banned is the man

To roam lands of the wild and free

 

A preposterous world, if you ask me

 

 

Messy

I remember our bodies sweating like sea lions

Simmering under the southern heat

Both full of bar food and dark rum from the night before

You drank enough for the both of us

But then you always did

I remember amber stained fingers from your Marlboro reds

Pawing at me

Curves purring

Tenderness ripe

Your hand melting upon my swollen stomach

Comfort deadened your weight

I crawled under you

Towards the sunlight tickling my toes

To fill up again

On something

I remember you stirring

Emerging from the airless pit ploughed by drunken words

A promise of eternity uttered

Yet hours evaporated

Forgotten

And empty longings coated our lungs

Our mouths were dry

For we’d swallowed all we could give

I remember watching smoke escape you

That first cigarette of the day

Rousing euphoria

I was never able to awaken similar pleasures

You wouldn’t allow me to

I remember we never cleaned up

A sink full of midnight cravings

Half eaten pancakes from 4am proposals

“Ask me again in the morning”

Well morning came

And bitter coffee softened the beaten shadow

Clouds of knowing

Knowing the rain would fall

To disperse such words

Never to be heard again

I remember the permanent current

A chaos never ceasing

I remember falling deeply in love with our mess

Mirroring untamed gardens

Seeds sown by others to grow wild within

I remember your divinity

But I was numb

Bursting with an excess of salty tears

Smudging the ink as we wrote our story

I remember the ending

Waves crashing

Eroding the chalk my bones were now made of

My survival depended on it

I cleaned up.

Summer

Heavy days

Smudged clouds

Charcoaled strokes stain the canvas above

Even the bees sound louder

Their hum orchestrated to break such a close atmosphere as this

The Eucalyptus tree has shed

Curled copper crawls upon the silver bark

Falling piece by piece upon swollen soils below

Petals fractured and sage leaves buried

Night creatures gazed upon daggers of light

Children woke, frightened

For as the rain fell during moonlit hours

Mercy was forgotten

No rules

Is, as is

Today, dark tones paint midsummer dreams

Only bare feet on the dampened concrete tames this humidity

As another storm waits in the wings

To bellow

To howl with the rattled voices of broken gods

We are fallen birds

To shelter until a calm glaze softens the sea

 

She

Arms raised

To coast the rippling beat

Hair a mess from the scorching heat

Sweat dripping like rain from the roses leaf

Drenched is the crevice of her porous reef

With bare feet

Her toes skim the ground

Fingers clenched to her Venus mound

A violent thrust punches her core

She coils

She arches

Releases her roar

Skin like golden fields

Craved

Devoured

Enjoyed through the night into morning hours

Hands catching the fire

Branded with burns

Scars deeply set as she listens, she learns

A feral like creature

So skilfully wild

Taught from a knowing held dear since a child

She dances

Her smile salutes the moon

She dances

Hips sway unique to her tune

Permission

FullSizeRender

Through the dark days, through the ‘I don’t know if I can feel worse than this’ days, a deeper knowing, a trusting voice managed to convince me otherwise. I knew I had to reach that point of no return before any warmth would entice healing hands, my healing hands over the entirety of me.

For countless days I’d want so desperately to stay in bed, to cover my head in complete darkness and rot, watching the colour drain from my cheeks, my arms, life pouring out from my hands into the air, to be inhaled by someone else, someone more deserving. During moments of self-pity I knew I was still wearing a veil over the rawness, feeling sorry for myself wasn’t enough as the lie still lived. Unhappiness simmered as I painted a smile and pretended I was ok. I knew it had to get worse before it got better. The glass had cracked and I was one movement away from shattering completely. All the darkness I’ve been avoiding (more like ignoring) was slowly being discovered, I’d found her cowering in the corner, not sure how to exist without being shunned, ridiculed and hated by the other half that I’d so carefully constructed as the ‘better’ part of me. I needed to purge this sadness out as it was finding ways to seep through the porcelain veneer I’d crafted anyway. I no longer had control, that’s if I ever had any to begin with. The sadness rose like a serpent from the roots of my beginnings. I needed to cry more, I needed to hurt more, I needed to want to die. Then it came, that moment of believing there was no way out other than ceasing to exist, it struck me hard across the base of spine, my joints had frozen, time had frozen, I was cocooned in a ball of absolute surrender and it scared the shit out of me. I was angry, I was angry at myself for getting so low, angry at life, angry with the unanswered prayers, the wishes unfulfilled. I was so angry I punched myself; so hard on my right leg it went numb. I didn’t care, I kept hitting and for one split moment it felt so fucking good. I’ve never known anger, not really. I never wanted to own such an emotion, never wanting to relinquish control. Yet here I was, hitting the shit out of myself because I was feeling so deeply and feeling was something I never really gave myself permission to do.

I cried.

Not so much for the physical pain but for the way I’ve treated myself so sternly since I was a child. I cried for the anger I’d felt such shame to feel and express. I cried for the scared child I was, needing so desperately to be heard, to feel her anger, to acknowledge how cross she was and to hug her so tightly we’d both loose a breath. I cried for the strength to commit to this moment, to listen, to bathe in the medicine I was finding within, the treasures I’d hidden so meticulously. It’s only once I’d hit rock bottom that I could bury my hands into the soil and find all those precious qualities, a precious uniqueness that I’ve never let shine.

I gave myself permission to hurt that day, to really hurt and cry and vent. Permission was my green light to let go, to feel like crap and release, unapologetically. That day I found all that I’d lost. It’s incredibly empowering to know that you are the answer to your own prayers and on that day I gave myself permission to heal, to be human and to love myself, unconditionally.

 

Stay

You came

I never asked for that

You came

I fought to keep me intact

I failed

You concurred

Bound to the stars

Bound between Venus and Pluto and Mars

The space in-between

Dance

Upon my open palm

Imprint your fingers on my arm

Indulge every part of me

Sink deeply, undiscovered

Under my skin

For where do I end and you begin?

If I blink, will you go?

I wonder why time often feels so slow

But not today

Don’t go

Stay