Funny Story

 

Friends always say

“You’re so funny

Random shit always happens to you”

You want a story?

I’m your gal

God forbid you ever think me boring!

I go out

Get drunk on pink wine

To meet a guy who has his own story

I meet one

He does some job

Someplace

Somewhere

I don’t fancy him but he has nice shoes

He fancies me

I think

Story begins

We get drunk

He invites me back to his

We drink whiskey

I hate whiskey

But I drink it anyway

I’m more obnoxious when I’m drunk

I think

And flirt harder

I need to pee

I come back

He’s naked

I shut down

 

It wasn’t the worst

It wasn’t the best either

He shows me pictures of his kids

Tells me he misses them

And her

I should care

I don’t

We fall asleep

I wake up at 4am disorientated

Where the fuck am I?

He drapes over me

I want to leave

But I don’t

I push him off me

I fall asleep

Wake up at 6am

Hangover from hell

He pretends to like my morning hair

I pretend I fancy him

He takes ages in the loo

 

I hold mine in

Coffee makes it worse

I say goodbye

Twenty minute walk home in heels

My pants are crusty

No big deal

I vomit behind the bins outside McDonalds

I laugh at myself

Funny

I get home

Go to the loo

I take a bath because I feel disgusting

I wash my face

I cry

I can’t remember his name

And did we use protection?

I put on a baggy t-shirt and leggings

I watch TV

All day

And eat a whole packet of kettle chips

The big packet

Ready salted

And oven chips

I pick my fingernails because I’m so pissed at myself for eating a whole packet of crisps

I call a friend

“What a night!

You’re never gonna guess what happened?

It was so fucking funny”.