Blind Faith

Blind faith got me this far

I’ve no house to call mine

I’ve no children and I’m not struck by certainty when I think about wanting them

I’ve no partner to cradle, I’ve no arms of comfort and reassurance when I crave human, because we all crave human

I’ve absolutely no idea where I’m headed and where I’ve been is rather baffling too

Mostly, I feel like my 20’s were spent repairing the patchwork blanket I unravelled as a child, stitched by the incessant hands of others

Frightened moments feel like I’m sat in a pitch black room but fear is not of the dark, feeling more than feels comfortable and sensing without seeing, this is where true fear lives

Recently this fear seems to be subsiding as my awareness of this slippery existence grows so massive, so beyond the known. I’ve never felt so powerful as I do in this void, I have no choice but to surrender. There’s no prop, they were destroyed by the downpour of salt waters, and there have been plenty of downpours

All I feel is that which guides me

Graffiti obstructs once recognised signs

Not my art

Not my way anymore

When so much falls away so quickly, I’m raw to the elements. I’ve no shell, well not one I’m familiar with and this has scared the crap out of me

Still does

I look in the mirror and question ‘Who the hell are you, really?’

It’s my only job to find out, what other responsibility do I have

Rebuilding, it can feel so overwhelmingly impossible but when I say that word, Impossible, when those 4 syllables bounce from my tongue over and over, I loose all understanding of its meaning

A word, like yes and no and high and low, their meaning is nothing more than a belief, taught truths

Scripts once worshipped and meanings I now question, such misunderstandings leave me deserted. All I can do now is unapologetically feel, to sense and trust this new language I’ve still to learn.

I listen

My place is no longer to dictate who I am and where I’m headed. See, I believed to have that figured out years ago and now, I couldn’t be more detatched from imagined expectations

So I’m in the dark, listening

And keeping those blind faiths that brought me here, writing this

Faith is all I have