#11 Grateful for New Moon Fog.

This morning the sun rose early – well it didn’t, we just put the clocks back an hour so us humans can sync with the sun and enjoy brighter mornings. Great, I can get out for run earlier… I’m not actually so pumped to run that I can’t wait to get out, it’s more that if I wake and it’s still dark, I wait until the sun rises and by that point I’ve talked myself out of going. So, this morning, the sun was up but the sky was as grey as grey can be. I couldn’t see three steps ahead of myself due to fog. It’s also halloween weekend and after passing a few houses with dead mannequins outside their doors, it was a spooky, grey, damp, chilly run.

This new moon has me feeling all hazy, my mind pretty much resembling the fog I ran through this morning. Isn’t it incredible how we’re faced with what we’re trying to run from and this morning it was like ‘you’re gonna run straight through what you’re avoiding!’ I’ve always kept my head down this time of year, there is something about the energy of late October, early November. Maybe it’s to do with the darkness of nights, and the entering into the cooler, more contracting days. The clouds appear lower and we wrap up to keep warm when all i want to do is shed, constantly. However, I know that I can’t keep shedding otherwise all I’d have to let go of is my own skin and bones. I run from everything and this time of year its harder to blank what I’m not wanting to face as the longer nights evoke hibernation mode and when in hibernation, mostly we have only ourselves for company and when we’ve ourselves for company, we’re faced with ourselves and.. well you get where I’m going with this. So the veil is thin, I am feeling prickly and during previous years I’ve fallen victim to the sting that injects deeply during in the month of Scorpio.

This year feels different. The only example I can give of this is during my run this morning. Striding through the thick fog obstructing the familiarity of surrounding streets, all I could do was notice what is often overlooked on clear, sunny days.

Hello spiderwebs!

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I believe that spiderwebs are the most beautiful pieces of art (I know they’re as natural to a spider as breath is to us but if only they knew how influential their gift was – but that’s the beauty of existence, non of us really know the significance we may hold in others lives). I was once terrified of spiders but since noticing the intricacy of their magnificent creations, I have turned full circle, admiring them so. This morning I was surrounded by dewy webs scattered everywhere. I went for a walk yesterday and noticed not one. Today, because of the fog they stood out like pieces of wonderland, luring me to magical understandings.

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Thing is, I can’t escape the fog, not in my mind or on the street. It just gets foggy sometimes – all part of the cycle that is life. What I can do is become aware of what stands out in the fog, those intricate, enchanted threads that can so easily disguise themselves as part of the scenery. Yet every part of the scenery is essential in making the scenery so fucking beautiful. I saw that this morning. What we see outside of ourselves is often a reflection from within. This new moon sure got me on my knees in total wonder of how beautiful all those ‘scary’ parts of me can be. I guess it just depends on the ever-changing weather conditions and how willing I am to appreciate the art that is me :).

#10 Grateful for Days Lived A Million Times Over

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Have you had one of those days when you feel like you’ve lived it a million times before and you’re lost in the routine?  Today was one of those days. I find routine kinda uncomfortable. I know we’re habitual creatures, we like to know the ways of things, to not dwell for too long in the unknown but I really find routine difficult. I’m not sure why, I’m sure I could look into my psychological profile and find a reason as to why this may be but at the moment, I’m trying to lesson my thinking and heighten my feeling. Today I was firmly cemented in the feeling of routine and that made me squirm.

So, in my attempts to feel not think, and for the first time in, well ever, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m not even gonna try and fight this’. So I didn’t. I just felt crappy and uncomfortable and did absolutely nothing to distract from feeling and asked no questions.

Then, with no reflection or forcing answers came a deep knowing, like I’d known all along (which I have but just ignored) that it ALL boils down to control. Routine ties me in, it binds me to whatever it is I’m to do regularly. This could be anything from taking a multivitamin everyday, to committing myself to a relationship. Everything becomes routine eventually and this sets an alarm of ‘I gotta get free from this because it’s beginning to control me, not me controlling it’.

But why do I have to control anything? I thought I had this all figured out over a year ago but news flash, I really don’t!

One thing I do know is this: I’ve never really found an outlet or understood how to process the amount of feelings that rummage around my mind minute by minute SO I have to find a way to control the way I’m feeling by controlling something outside of myself as I’ve often believed this to be the only thing I have control over. Logically I know this is BS, I know the reality I experience is a result of what I’m thinking so trying to control what’s outside of me is basically saying I’ve no control over what’s going on inside. It’s like I’ve lost all trust, in myself. I don’t feel like this everyday, but I am grateful when these feelings do rise as although it’s tough to sit in whatever comes up during those moments of ‘losing’ control, feelings that often arise during the routine of everyday, I know that each time I get to feel discomfort, it’s a new understanding that unfolds.

Life is hard sometimes but tough days squeeze doses of forgotten courage from frightened bones and this give us the sweet nectar to soothe and revive tired wounds.

#9 Grateful for Grumpy Grandmas

Ok, my grandma isn’t grumpy, not all the time anyway. I just always thought of her as grumpy when growing up because when I stayed with her as a kid, she’d mostly tell me what I shouldn’t do rather than what I could.

She’s been staying with us for 3 weeks, basically my uncle has been poorly and there is a huge possibility he could have pancreatic cancer. He’s in the middle of having tests at the moment and as my grandma lives alone, she didn’t want to be on her own during the stressful time of waiting to find out what exactly is the matter with him.

Previously, when she’d stay with us in London (she’s from Leeds in Yorkshire), I’d find it a little stressful, only because I was focusing on the idea that we are completely different. I always found it exhausting defending my views on life during conversations with her about this and that. However, this visit has been like no other. It hasn’t been hard or stressful or challenging at all. We’ve got on, we’ve talked about opposing views but I haven’t flared like I may have done in the past. I’ve stopped judging her (I realise I’ve been very judgemental in the past, obviously the less I judge myself the less I feel the desire to judge others). I have enjoyed her company and appreciated her for who she is, rather than finding fault as she’s not living up the expectations I was imposing upon her. She’s 90! I can learn so much from her… yes she may eat cheap meat and not worry about animal welfare and has very conservative opinions about political affairs but she’s also caring and strong and vibrant and loves meeting people and enjoys her life.

I have been amazed these past few weeks with how much I have learnt about her as I loosen those judgement reigns. I haven’t built the usual ‘I’m not going to talk to you much because you’re just going to upset me’ wall that I’ve been hauling around in her company for the past 10 years. I am so grateful for that, so grateful that I have been able to listen to her, to witness her softer side and to feel a genuine warmth between us that may have previously frozen due to frosty bites I’d use to defend against something that was never attacking me. That’s the point isn’t it, we can build up so much attack in our systems that everything outside begins to resemble a dangerous weapon of mass destruction.

These few weeks I’ve seen many of my weapons melt in the fire that has kept grandma and I warm as we play cards and I show her how to make a almond milk hot chocolate. Turns out, she likes my plant-based cooking and has now bought herself a blender to make smoothies like the one’s she’s enjoyed here.

Life throws us surprises every single day and for me it’s just being receptive, showing an openness to learn rather than defend. Learning to love is the greatest lesson so far (and I can’t imagine it ever gets better than that).

#8 Grateful for Marvellous Mornings

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The same sun rises each morning but daily illuminations are always different. No day is ever the same, no emotions stay forever. Morning is the fresh start I crave so much when contracting energies cause me to feel stagnant and stuck. Yet I am never still as the world never stops turning and there has never been one day I’ve not known the dark to brighten with the rising sun.

Today, I feel blessed to watch colours merge in the morning sky. Life flows, continuously. Even a calm body and mind is a busy hive of intuitive activity, the only difference is that when we’re calm we coast the breeze, like a windswept feather, we offer no resistance. This morning I was reminded to enjoy the journey and to never stop being mesmerised by the view.

Complicated

Maybe we over complicate things

When all we need to know

Is do we choose to say yes

Or do we reply with a no

See we could be in-between

But really we know what to say

And thinking about what we should be deciding

Can take up our whole precious day

And often our wholeness is drained

As power escapes from our toes

So you see it’s the conflict of knowing

That humours our crippling woes

#7 Grateful for Claustrophobic Journeys

My nan is staying with us for a few weeks, she’s 90 and she’s incredible. She’s takes zero medication (apart from iron supplements but as an Aries like me, her iron levels are the first to deplete with stress) and she still does everything herself (the cleaning, the shopping, the cooking etc.) her energy levels are enviously high and she gets in and out of the car like an excited kid. So, as she’s with us and likes to be out and about, we headed out of the city to visit an old church (900 years to be exact) just to take a look around and soak in the local tranquility.

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On our way out to the country we went though a part of town that triggers a million of my anxiety feelers. I’ve always found the energy stagnant and unsettled. It’s very close to the first secondary school I attended but left due to bullying after a year. It was the go-to place for teenagers wanting to cause trouble or just ‘hang out’. Neither I wanted to do but both I tried as I was young and wanted to fit in. Needless to say, it didn’t last for long, the bullying started because I didn’t want to scare old ladies in the dark so ended up going to another school with better energy and a less intimidating environment. Today, again, this place triggered me. I am 34 yet still feel physically and mentally triggered by memories of feeling totally powerless and vulnerable. I am an avid believer in embracing fears to find understanding within them. If you just ignore, fears NEVER leave and manifest in ways that may appear un-related to the original stem but nonetheless they sprout from buried pains. Not always easy and can make you feel like you’d rather die than do it but today I had no choice other than to feel contracting feelings. Once the feelings rise, the words of encouragement in my head dim a little, all seems to lay low to let the influx of busy, anxious, low buzzing energies flow. The car was full, the dog was grumbling because he wanted to go to the toilet and the clouds above were low. All closed in.

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The car had to stop, to pull over, letting me open the door to breathe. To feel my feet on the ground and stare at fallen leaves and bare branches. It’s the only way to resume some colour, to slow down, to focus and breathe through the rise of thorny physical sensations. There is a positive to this experience, I didn’t want to go home, to curl up and beat myself up for ‘letting panic take over’. My colour returned, we carried on to the church, I walked into the field behind and smiled at the glorious powers that can whip us, beat us and heal us all at the same time.

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I am so grateful for this claustrophobia to rise within me today. I found a strength I knew I had but was afraid to tap into. I delighted in the outdoors and knew the air was my medicine. For an agoraphobic to feel that, well for me it’s pretty exciting stuff. I also recognised my trigger. I understood what was happening and why. I was able to smile at my reactions and tap myself on the back for being the human that I am. That was enough for me today, surrendering to the human I am. I don’t need to ‘change’, I just need to embrace every fleck of colour surrounding the pupil of my soul.

What if?

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What if there’s no side to take

No thoughts to break

No roads to travel

Or habits to unravel

No dark to face

Or time in space

 

And questions die

Before answers lie

And faker’s mould

Everything

What if all we saw

We’ve seen before

And the world we know

Above and below

Comes only as we see

Individually

No one smells the rose like me

What if we’re only here to feel

We’ve no layers to peel

Feeling weak or strong

Neither lasts for long

Lightening strikes

And sharp tooth bites

They hurt

What if we search too hard

And disregard

The reasons we breathe

As we tightly weave

Stories made up