I don’t feel so crappy, so overwhelmed by anxiety like I used to. Those days of fretting about how to cope with unwanted yet invited fears tease me less and less. The fear is still there but slowly what once felt like a foot off deathly heights, now feels like softer footprints in the sand, I’m managing more comfortably.
Those ‘sick’ thoughts have taken a back seat on the bus, chilling with memories of youth.
What the hell do I do now?
Weakness and sickness has been my story, my velvet pillow to curl up on and prove to myself that limiting beliefs were my truth. Don’t we have such a wonderful ability to manifest anything we want, even truths that damage; they seem more real to us than intangible oxygen.
I was the woman to ‘suffer’ to blame anyone, anything for failings that I now see were never really failings in the first place. Even writing is hard at the moment, old ground is being covered and poetry doesn’t flow like it once did. I don’t want to write about pulling thorns from bloody flesh anymore, the wound is healing.
The word healing is also taking on different connotations. Was I ever really broken in the first place, was all that led me to this moment, to write this, all part of the perfect timing that is my evolution? If I wasn’t broken, where does healing come in? However, I’ve deeply surrendered to my intentions to ‘heal’. It has been monumental in allowing me the space to find love and unconditional support that fills every cell of my being.
Is that it, is self love all we need to find? (Or re-find as I don’t think it’s gone anywhere, we’ve just forgotten how to love ourselves completely). Not needing to worry about the words we use or the rituals we adopt, just finding a way to uncover the gem within.
I am different now.
I say no when I want to and I bless myself each morning with as much love as I can muster when I wake. I’m taking time to tune in and assess my wellness. I’m no longer ashamed to talk about my journey, my life, as it feels worthy, not so detached. In actual fact the more I share, the more connected I feel. Not so much on a physical level, I’ve certainly found much needed peace in my own company. Maybe that’s the next chapter, finding peace amongst the busy I’ve previously found so hard to withstand.
We are not living life detached from each other, even though we might want to think we are. We’re much bigger than that, connected on many levels, so mysteriously intertwined in ways we still cannot comprehend. I am only beginning to truly understand this and yes, I’ve still a long distance to travel but don’t we all. It’s the middle of a story that keep us intrigued not the ending. Each day as I learn something new about myself, I learn more about being human and how we thrive off the invisible thread that binds us together.
I’m scared shitless though, the ground beneath is violently shaking and patterns or habits that no longer serve me and disintegrating. I feel like loose tea in a cup of hot water, finding a different leaf and new taste sensations with each stir.
I guess we are more afraid of our power than our failings. There’s an illusion of security in our failings, like we know what we’re getting. Yet really all we’re doing is staying on our knees where our body gets bored and our joints stiffen, a painful position to keep. Faith in our power means trusting, it means standing up and loosening stiff joints. It means trusting we have all we need is within, not so easy when we’ve grown to believe that the tools to keep our lives enriched comes from external ‘stuff’. Who knows what can be achieved if we just trust and believe.