I woke at 6.50am and my first thoughts were (after my self-love prayer – that is essential morning pep-talk) ‘how can I get out of going for a run’. I was the naughty school kid trying to play the ‘sick’ card to my PE teacher but the PE teacher was me and this morning, I wasn’t taking any shit.
I do that a lot. I think of something that could prevent me from doing what it is that I think I don’t want to do and low and behold, it manifests in some form of another. I’ve made myself pretty physically sick by wanting and asking, almost begging my body to ‘fall-apart’. Our minds are so fucking powerful. When I think about when physical sickness has dominated my life, it’s been when I mentally believed I wasn’t strong enough, or worthy enough, or I didn’t want to commit myself to anything as I’d already failed before I began (in my mind, anyway).
I’ve been witnessing this behaviour and each day I try my best to override the ‘I can’t’ with ‘YES I CAN’. Of course if I’m having a really bad day I’m learning to not give myself such a hard time, beating myself up is what got my anxiety so fired up in the first place. This morning was a usual morning in the history of me and before I’d even put on my running gear, I was like ‘I’m too tired and my monthly cycle is due in a couple of days so my body won’t be as strong as usual’… but instead of agreeing with the story I’d just made up, I called Bullshit on myself.
I looked out of the window, saw the bright morning sky beyond the condensation on the window and smiled at the still visible full Moon. I swear she was whispering ‘go for that run you Moon goddess’. So I did, I went for the damn run and I enjoyed it. Yes, Ok I felt a little tired but I got out the house and I did it, for that I thank the crisp, beautiful morning and the power of that magic moon.