I’m hungover and I don’t drink.
I’m spent and I didn’t over indulge financially this year.
I don’t do cards anymore as the paper waste makes me want to cry and I don’t buy presents for the sake of it as the plastic waste also makes me want to cry. I celebrate with my close family and on Christmas morning we open our gifts and slowly but surely make a nice meal to eat at 3pm, only to end up eating at 5pm. This is the same xmas day formula as most families I’d imagine but this year ours felt low key, intimate and incredibly calm.
Yet, I feel spent. My energies are low and I’m propped up against the pillows on my bed writing this at 1.15 in the afternoon thinking about taking a nap. It took me 30 mins to even open my laptop and even writing this I feel lazy and half arsed about it. Not because I don’t want to write, I just feel zapped (neon pink laser zapped).
I don’t know if this is because 2016 has been a whooper of a year. Personally, politically, emotionally… it’s been a roller coaster. I cannot think of anyone I know who has said to me, ‘wow, 2016 has been such an awesome year!’ I don’t know if any year can be ‘awesome’ throughout but some are certainly more uplifting than others. Thats ok, life isn’t supposed to be peaches and cream all the time. I don’t even like the cream so peaches is enough for me.
I’m spent because although 2016 has been a bitch of a year, it’s been the most powerful too. I’ve felt such a shift… almost like my Saturn return take II. I feel like I’ve spent most of the year crawling across the floor, watching the clock, counting the seconds until I finally stop giving a crap. But this is good! Honestly, what a liberating feeling to suddenly not think about time or discomfort or the slow crawl to places unknown the feel like no-where but really they’re the best places as no-where is everywhere really. Even that makes little sense but I am rolling with the shift right now, even if that means talking gibberish for gibberish sake. Really, what sense do we need to make? That has been the biggest revelation for me this year. That I don’t need to analyse every little thing and that the only moment I need to be in is NOW. No tomorrow, no yesterday, only now.
So now I feel spent and sleepy and I may or may not make it onto the yoga mat after I’ve written this but I am so grateful to be in this moment that feels so reclusive and reflective and makes little sense. This year I have written more than I thought I ever could and have believed in myself enough to share my work. I have taken up drawing and painting, Ok so I’m no master but I smile when I’m drawing and that’s been enough to keep at it.
The new year cycle begins at winter-solstice for me so I don’t celebrate New Year in the traditional sense but due to the holiday season I am able to decompress and meditate as London slows down a little. Breathing feels easier when things around me slow down.
So YES to Christmas emotional hangovers. With contraction comes expansion and I always look forward to how energised I hope to feel tomorrow, or the next day or maybe even next week. I am grateful for the choice to nap, the choice to relax – that I am able to breath through the awkward or crappy feelings, rather than feel I need to do a thousand things at once. Who am I kidding, I could never do a thousand things at once, even thinking about it is making me want to take a nap.
I think I’ll take a nap now 🙂