Devil

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The devil

Leans on faultless side

Blaming aches on broken toes

Gritting teeth to catch my will

Cramming roots with raucous woes

The devil

Bears upon my win

Her loosing forces tongue to rip

Knowing not how far she’ll swipe

I bow to miss her chorus grip

The devil

Dates my wondrous flight

She clips my wings as failing soars

Her nails carve out sharpened nibs

To empty raw and heart filled pores

The devil

Wears my crown at night

Shielding light from sleeping eyes

Her fingers bash upon my brow

And stamps my fortune red with lies

The devil

Dances wildly right

While steady rains on all went wrong

Her thread I knot around my neck

And pray she stays for lengths too long

#19 Grateful for (More) Confusions

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I pulled the above card three days ago. I’m pulling a card every three or four days to help me with my buddhist studies from the Tibetan Buddhist meditation deck and boy, is it making me think.

I feel it would be the ‘right’ thing for me to insert here… ‘I feel this so deeply. I wish nothing more than to be able to alleviate suffering. To reach lovingly not just to those we hear about on the news but the hidden cries that many shield from even their families. Those who are abused, mentally, physically and sexually behind closed doors. The depressed who carry on with their 9-5 as they’ve children to support and fear what they’d loose if they put their health first. The artist who hasn’t the confidence to support their creative endeavours and therefor represses expression (and believe themselves mad in the process).’

I feel like my whole heart should be invested in ‘extinguishing the pain of others’ and in the words above however, in total honesty, it isn’t.

This is not because I don’t care. I do care, I feel others pain so much so it can cripple me. I’ve done what I believed would help, like working for a charity, I’ve donated, I’ve given all the clothes I’ve ever owned to charity shops. Although I feel the pain of those around me I also know that there is absolutely nothing I can do to neutralise their suffering. I can only offer a soothing balm but it’s their choice to apply and only their skin can do the healing. I know this from my own experience. I spent many years in pain, secretly, with a smile on my face everyday but tears pouring the evening. There was absolutely nothing anyone could do. Support me, yes but to heal… that must come from the individual.

Also, there are many unintended consequences that can arise from wanting to help another. Our intensions can be drawn from a heartfelt place, yet what we see to be medicine, others may perceive as hell. When I was at my worst with anxiety, I know the actions of those close to me grew from love but often decisions they thought to be best, were in fact not. I knew what was right for me and I think as a society we want to fix others, to steer them in the direction we believe to be their healing path. Yet, each one of us has our own journey, our own speed we travel, our own differing energies to work though.

So how can I extinguish the pain of others? Yes, to be of service is a wonderful and priceless gift but can this extinguish pain, or just lighten the load?

I love this study, as I know questions drive discoveries. Discoveries that lead to new questions… oh how life is a long string of questions and this question I may need to sit with for longer. I know it has struck a cord as I felt the need to write about it. Often when things sit uncomfortably, there is a reason. What this reason is, I shall have to wait to discover.

 

 

 

 

Urban Leaf

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When exhausts filter sunlight

And handfuls of dust

Have us craving fresh peaches

And pit chiselled lust.

When leaves litter concrete

Swept by songs unsung

And feet tread the mill

Their silk left unspun.

When weaving fumes tempt

Breath looses the lead

Then caged is our wisdom

And deadened the need.

When scent is ignored

And tar coats worn skin

I’ll call upon heaven

Heard faintly within.

Little Listener

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Delicate lace

Imprints my palm

And symbols of faith

Tattooed on arm

Waves on crown

Hair grows so thin

Untouched by blade

On thigh and shin

Fingers bitten

Nails short and blunt

Stories on back

Hope riding in front

Muddy paths

Staining my feet

And ridid toes

Ignoring the beat

Breasts carved small

And ribs poke free

Frame thought weak

Bears the weight of me

Faintly drawn clouds

Days roaming slow

Subtleties roar

Guiding where to go

I follow not knowing

Which way to turn

Does it matter?

Either way, I’ll learn.

 

Frightened

I’m frightened when the wolves howl

Too wild is their call

I’m frightened in the mountains

Feeling big for those too small

 

I’m frightened in cold winds

As frost won’t thaw my heart

I’m frightened when I write things down

As truth comes out in art

 

I’m frightened by the mystic’s way

For what might they uncover?

I’m frightened when I speak of love

And lean upon my lover

 

I’m frightened when the night draws close

As stars are all I see

But mostly I am frightened by

The strength I have in me.

Holly

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From bones grow thorns

And stems of might pierce tender skin

Fingers pricked so often by the holly

Now branches shelter my tangled heart

Movement seems futile

For where shall I go?

Remembering there is life in still

And below me

Where rivers of blood run through root valleys

Flooding holy lands

Are reached by prayer alone

Unbeknown to me

As I believed my own silence

But circling disbelief is the frailty of breath

Naked yearnings born from womb

And resting upon the riverbank

Where I dreamt my own reflection

Are shards of dust

Stones, once grazing palms

Thrown to disperse clouds in water

Rippling through being

To her I return

As glossy leaves embalm my spine

Shooting up to catch the sun

I am bare

Harvesting berries before they fall

I am the strength of her

And the death of her too

 

Dreamin’

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A girl, fast asleep

As staining stars sweep

Across the moonlit sky so bright

In darkened hours

Bleeds rosy powers

As her mother and father continue to fight

Distantly dreaming

New life she is scheming

So different from hers in someway

The banks of the lake

Where candy drops fake

The landscape she dreams so often to stay

A snake of pink

Invites her to think

Asking the girl of her loves and her fears

On sweet grass she sat

Musing this, voicing that

Calling on scents to honey her tears

The snake told her so

Think not of your woe

But laugh as the tide flips the fish

Was with small understandings

And feathered landings

She woke with thoughts of her wish

Then tickles her ear

A song she holds dear

As her mother sings wildly downstairs

Her father, he roars

But the girl, she ignores

And sings too, forgetting her cares

They sing to the birds

And distant herds

Praying their cries will reach the bull

The girl had not known

Such freedom shown

Worrying not if she looked the fool

Cautions once reckoned

Took rest for a second

Peace reaching moments lost in time

For the snake was right

As laughter set flight

And the girl smiled kindly, heart beating in rhyme.