#21 Grateful for 25,000 words

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Firstly, I want to own up to myself that when I began this gratitude diary, my intentions were to update every day for the next year. Ops, didn’t happen. I wanted to be all philosophical about it, I wanted each entry to ‘mean’ something. In the drawn out process of intellectualising everything, I haven’t kept to this commitment. It was an excuse, not a genuine reason. Day to day gratitudes do not need to be epic, life-changing revelations, they don’t need to actively shift my daily activities (but when they do it’s welcomed). Gratitude is the shift, to find reasons to be thankful and to notice beauty is the reward. Note to me: that’s all I have to say on the matter but remember to enjoy, not analyse and destroy.

This leads me onto my 25,000 into my novel… go me! I have to say, this is the most committed relationship I have ever been in. Seriously, this commitment to myself, to complete something that happens to take up more hours than I ever thought my concentration could handle, this is deep water for me.

I have shown very little commitment to myself in the past… forever. Ok, maybe not forever as I don’t know what forever feels like, lets say for a very long time, since I was a young adult at least. This commitment thing is not so easy to admit, as in the process I have shown little commitment to others. I have wanted freedom from myself, from my ways, my thoughts, my previous actions/reactions/circumstances. In my desperate attempts to detach from who I am as I wildly dream about the woman I think I should be, low and behold I have forgotten how to respect and commit to the woman who needs me this most, me. Also, the bitch of life is that all we say we don’t want, mysteriously (or not so mysteriously) appears, to piss us off even more. Yet it’s not really a bitch as what we think about, we invite into our lives. The words I don’t want is irrelevant, for thinking of what we lack, whatever it is we don’t want means we get… well basically we get more of the less. It’s simple yet why does this knowing slip so easily away when old habits creep back to snuggle into warm and familiar ‘crap me’ blankets.

‘This is who I am!’

Is it?

If something feels uncomfortable, if it’s a belief that doesn’t sit right, do we have to just accept it for who we are? Maybe we heard this pattern of thinking, or were told ‘this is just how it is’. We may have seen this played out in someone else’s life, believing it to be our truth too. Who knows, there are a million ways words and attitudes sneak into our psyche but we know when something doesn’t feel right. Blaming is pointless as no matter where it came from, the words/actions/attitudes are now within us and so it’s our responsibility to do something about it.

I didn’t even think about my attitude to commitment. It’s only as I sat this morning wondering why I feel a little isolated. Truth is, I have isolated myself. I have distanced myself from people, places, my dreams even as I didn’t have the will to commit. It was no good to think ‘I’ll make more of an effort with others’ as this soon subsides. The work is within and to grow is to nourish our own roots. There are many reasons why we self-sabotage and I know no-one who doesn’t hurt themselves by their own doing at times but to blame and get frustrated at our behaviours only gets us so far (no-where).

So I am committing to getting curious. I am committing to asking more questions but releasing the need for answers as mostly it is outside of our comprehension that we find understanding. Once the question is planted, the answer will grow.

This novel is so much more than the book itself, the process is like a magnet, drawing buried weights to the surface. Burying again doesn’t seem to be an option (damn it), like the soil is now full of new seeds, there’s no room for the old. I am committing myself to this book, for no other reason than to thrive within the relationship I am building with me, the words and all the medicine that soars in-between.

p.s. Yes, I have just written another ‘revelation’ gratitude entry but I am extending this commitment to my daily practice of giving thanks so tomorrow it could be an entry about warm socks or apple juice, who knows!

p.p.s. I am eternally grateful for warm socks and apple juice 🙂

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