Craving

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I craved the wild roses, thorns combing my hair as I outran the river

I craved the beast outside my door, roaming for beetroot and rosemary

I craved the red rock, rough canvas smeared with silk like dust. Red clay dug from the belly to quench my skin and soften my thirst

I craved silver reflections, sea caught moons that dance below the surface at night

I craved violins at dawn, trumpets at tea and pianos to soundtrack sun-kissed skies before bedtime

I craved being led to the mountains, to breathe the air so close to purity as I can imagine

I craved wholeness, a fullness so ripe I could taste my own sweet juice

I craved standing in the storm, unafraid, watching the leaves surrender to grey horizons

I craved being fearless

I craved being fearless again and again

I craved because I remember. I remember being fearlessly built inside my mothers womb and the taste of letting go

I craved because I needed to remember

I remember

I remember the river that catches the rosemary and carries the beetroot and plays with the beasts and dances with the moonlight through red rock valleys, listening to sweet tunes played fearlessly by the lips that taste

I remember that all I have craved, all the delicious feelings of worth and discovery and abundant visions of life’s great loves have been closer to me than the end of my fingertips

I remember all the miracles that sculpted me, the love that built me from the inside out

I craved what I remembered to be holy and sacred and now that I remember, I am holy and sacred again.

 

 

Where I Stand

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Where I stand I feel mighty, like the warrior of woodpeckers, the communicator of common fulfilment. I am a cell, coasting playfully inside violet veins. Our great mother teaches us well, her lungs spread to frame the sunlight from my eyes.

Where I stand, there is no place I cannot be. Joy, strapped upon the wings of migrating birds, gliding so closely to my understandings. I am all that I see and all that I see is all I hope to know one day.

Where I stand I see unity drawn in messy portraits. Collections on mass create landscapes I’ve come to call home. Who I wonder shall inherit these?

That house upon the hill, do you see it? Look further afield, in the distance. Behind the rattling windows and red bricks live little witches who watch over the trees and paint faces on the moon. Owls live in the wall and I hear them call forward the sunset.

Do you hear them too?

Where I stand I raise my chin towards the sun, my vision is guided by angel trails decorating the turquoise blanket above me. They are careful, like moths, to not get caught within the flames of hazel sight. I blink, once, twice, thrice. Such action is my hope to catch a shadow but they are too quick, too rapid for human consumption.

Where I stand I listen, hearing playground chatter behind my stare. Boisterous fists play notes I remember. Yet I am still, travelling without trampling the grass and beheading snowdrops I fail to see beneath my thoughts.

Only God hears me now.

Only God hears the poetry I read silently from post-it notes stuck on my bedroom wall. Where did she go, that girl ironing raw and honest words? Words written by busy fingers scrambling to decipher unknown certainties. Words I have come to live by and this I regret, like the slurring of existence during alcohol stained nights.

Where I stand, in that tiny second I see the enormity of effect. In that second a whole life is resurrected to only be forgotten as I’m distracted. The present moment beckons and I salute.

The bark of a dog calls me to walk on.

And now I am gone someplace new.

 

#40 Grateful for Dangerous Questions

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Yesterday in church the most incredible thing happened.

I just want to add here that it’s the second time I’ve been to church in over 10 years. Also, I know no-one at this church, I just followed this faint voice inside, I listened if you like to a whisper that guided me there and boy, did yesterday prove that whisper was right (whispers from God are becoming louder and louder each day).

I didn’t plan to sit near the front, it just happened that way. I went with my mum and we were discussing the view (like we were at the cinema) and jumped seat to seat until we found ourselves a few seats from the front.

“This will do” she said. I was thinking, ‘holy wow this is way too close to the front! I don’t know if I’m comfortable here’. We stayed anyway.

As we stood to sing this incredible, unfathomable force reached someplace deep – if I had the words to describe I would but some experiences are beyond explanation. I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be an ‘easy’ service for me, the music was loud and beautiful and stirred up a bowl of uncomfortable emotions. All I can say is, holy spirit held my entire being and left me no place to escape. I panicked. I don’t like to feel confined, it’s the biggest trigger for my anxieties, the music was loud and LOTS of people surrounded me. Being so close to the front meant I couldn’t just slip away and having so many people behind me meant I couldn’t watch what people were doing. I guess this has been a control thing, watching people, thinking I know what they’re thinking by how they are behaving. I have felt like this has put me in the drivers seat, always thinking I’m one step ahead of everyone else. I am NEVER one step ahead, I know this now.

After the music stopped, we were asked to shake a persons hand we had never met before, this was easy for me as I’m new and know NO-ONE. The lady next to me turned and introduced herself. She’d been a member of the church community for 30 years and the first thing we spoke about was the music and how powerful it was. Then God gave me the permission I needed, she told me that spirit moves her most when she’s singing and is often moved to tears. The whole way through our short exchange of empowering words I could feel anxiety rise in me. Then as we listened to the readings, I truly believed I was about to pass out. I turned to my mum and said, “I’m going to faint”. She said we’d leave after the reading but as she said those words, something happened.

I heard God . He said, “No, you are here to heal, this is where it starts”.

To my mum I replied “I’m ok, we’ll stay”. Even though I wanted to run the hell outta there, I felt something greater holding my hand.

The pastor began to talk about the dangerous questions we often avoid asking ourselves, about our fears and how this limits the love of Jesus. I could feel every cell in my body resonate with these words. I have avoided searching deeply within, questioning the restrictions I bring about myself to prevent growth, to block from me the love of God – I have blocked out love and trust for such a long time. Always wanting to feel in control.

I wanted to faint, it was getting that difficult to process what I was feeling. I knew I had run from my faith for too long and now was the time to show up. I literally felt his presence behind me, ready to catch me should I fall.

Then I cried. The live band took to the stage, the music began and I cried like I’ve never cried in public before. My whole body trembled and tears streamed down my cheek. I felt His hand over my head, comforting and reassuring me this was exactly right, that I have all the permission in the world to feel, to feel the sorrowful pains I’ve felt as I’ve had my back turned for such a long time.

I cannot explain the release. The lady I had been speaking to handed me a tissue. No questions were asked as I could see others crying too. I could see that everyone in that church knew exactly what I was feeling as they’d been to that place too. I felt loved, I felt forgiven, I felt a lightness, like my heart was held in space beside the stars and the magic of creation. My heart was in the hands of God.

So, dangerous questions are not dangerous at all as they reveal so much about what we still hold onto to prevent unconditional love filling our hearts. Our anxieties and fears are revealed to us by God to show us where we’re holding back, where we’re not letting Him in. Where we don’t trust in his love. I have not trusted for such a long time and if I’m honest I’m scared shitless about happened. Surrendering to Jesus and God’s love is not something I had even contemplated before a few weeks ago. I now see that is the miracle, once we say “yes”, love flows more powerfully than ever experienced before and although my ego wants to question everything, my soul feels more alive and at home than ever before.

SURRENDER! (not so easy)

Ok, so I am held in the middle of confusion but I also know that I never want to turn my back on God again. I trust that all will be revealed, that God has always got my back.

Thank you for dangerous questions and the strength and courage to answer them as truthfully as I can. I am always learning and I trust the path will unravel, all I have to do is show up in love.