#14 Grateful for Uninstructed Processes

Ok the title may sound a little odd, but I was thinking the other day about how my body functions without ANY conscious instruction from thought. I am a walking piece of intricate wonder, my whole system knows exactly what’s it’s doing, 100% of the time.

Even when I get sick, my body got the manual, the to-do sheet of wellness to get me back to health. I settle down, rest and let magic work within me to heal. It’s pretty awesome when you think about the whole universe inside all of us. We get so bogged down with externals and on a general day-to-day, our body makes little demands other than hunger rumbles and thirsty mouths. How grateful am I that I can feed my hunger, everyday, with little worry about how… very grateful, I can tell you!

When I think about the trust I have in my body, the expectation that all will function as is supposed to (well, apart from a few hiccups here and there), my faith in life increases. The unravelling of understandings, the chance encounters, the situations that lead us from one place to the next. The down-time that recoups us even though frustrations may rise as we’re desperate for results NOW (yep, feeling this deeply right now). It’s all part of the process. Yes, I can certainly take control about what I choose to focus my attentions on, what I choose to invest my time and energy into. Those are conscious choices but the rest, well that is the down to the trust we have in ourselves and the process of our self-evolution and how much I surrender to the flow of life. Trust and surrender. So important yet such hard concepts to practice as we’re taught in schools that to be the best, the ONLY way to make things happen is to attain higher grades and know ‘facts’ and figures and to be in constant competition with ourselves and others. Not that I’m saying you don’t need to work ‘hard’ but in my experience, once I started trusting in myself and being me, what I choose to work at is not hard, it may be a challenge but it’s a challenge thats enriching, rather than draining. Thing is, we are the best we can be just by being and trusting and loving ourselves enough to want to share who we really are with the world.

Yes, all the above came from me thinking about my body digesting my breakfast this morning. Inspiration hits in weird and wonderful ways.

 

#13 Grateful for Melting Hearts

fullsizerender

Morning blessings!

Today I am grateful for human resilience. For the strength we hold in our hearts, our minds, our soul. One day our hearts can feel frozen, the next melting waters feed our growth, our understandings.

There is nothing we are thrown that we cannot withstand, we keep going until we stop yet even then our spirit merges to a place so mysterious it has fed the imagination of a million generations. There is nothing we know for certain yet I truly believe that deep down, we have an understanding for everything.

As the earth rolls from pink skies to darkness, there is no end or beginning, just a continuation of movement and we glide, we soar, we soak in the changing view.

All happens for a reason and I am grateful for faith, trust and universal love as that is what holds us tightly through unchartered territory. Thank you for melting hearts, they are never wasted, only absorbed.

Novel Writing

I started this blog to write a book. I thought it would inspire me everyday to upload chapter by chapter, completing a rough first draft. Well that was about 9 months ago and although I’ve been inspired to write, my storytelling has taken on different forms since I began sharing on this blog, my imagination has pushed boundaries I didn’t even know I accommodated! BUT… I haven’t written my book.

That gonna change! The fear of commitment towards writing a full-blown-big-scary-word-count novel has been the stumbling block (oh who am I kidding, there’s a whole pool of fears regarding writing a book). I wrote a full-length play when I was doing my Masters degree in Creative Writing and it literally dragged my bones across a spiky floor, the process was brutal. There I go again, feeling the fear before I even begin!

So beginning today I am working on the book again and I have to say I’m a little excited to be pushing myself. This year has been much to do with healing and recovery regarding my mental health but now things are feeling a little more manageable (I’ll always be a little crazy but I’m learning to love that about myself, besides A) who isn’t? and B) normal is a stupid word that makes no sense in my book, literally in my book as no ‘normal’ character exists). So I’ve signed up for NaNoWriMo (writing a book in a month).. Ok so we’re 8 days into November, but thats OK… I’m fashionably late.

I’m just putting this out there, more for my benefit really. GO.TEAM.ME!

#12 Grateful for Moments of Madness

Moments of madness inject my thoughts with creative overflow. I am grateful for this. I am grateful when chaos settles, condensation moistens the air and all clears so I can notice the view.

Madness is seeing the world in a way that exceeds conservative imaginations, to look beyond the valley towards details of distant unknowns. To smoothly soar into realms thought crazy yet visited by millions before, where ancestors dwell to recognise their awakenings in us.

No human has gone without moments of madness. Yes, some may feel more deeply than others but art and literature and music thrives in minds hosting such diagnoses. We are all tales of mad happenings, we are all the duality of sanity and madness yet these words are only a consequence of human understandings, understandings that cannot begin to comprehend the magnitude of our expansive senses. We cannot hide from corners our ourselves so today I am grateful for knees cradled as I curl within dark spaces of myself. To know myself is not to fear myself. I no longer want to fear who I am.

#11 Grateful for New Moon Fog.

This morning the sun rose early – well it didn’t, we just put the clocks back an hour so us humans can sync with the sun and enjoy brighter mornings. Great, I can get out for run earlier… I’m not actually so pumped to run that I can’t wait to get out, it’s more that if I wake and it’s still dark, I wait until the sun rises and by that point I’ve talked myself out of going. So, this morning, the sun was up but the sky was as grey as grey can be. I couldn’t see three steps ahead of myself due to fog. It’s also halloween weekend and after passing a few houses with dead mannequins outside their doors, it was a spooky, grey, damp, chilly run.

This new moon has me feeling all hazy, my mind pretty much resembling the fog I ran through this morning. Isn’t it incredible how we’re faced with what we’re trying to run from and this morning it was like ‘you’re gonna run straight through what you’re avoiding!’ I’ve always kept my head down this time of year, there is something about the energy of late October, early November. Maybe it’s to do with the darkness of nights, and the entering into the cooler, more contracting days. The clouds appear lower and we wrap up to keep warm when all i want to do is shed, constantly. However, I know that I can’t keep shedding otherwise all I’d have to let go of is my own skin and bones. I run from everything and this time of year its harder to blank what I’m not wanting to face as the longer nights evoke hibernation mode and when in hibernation, mostly we have only ourselves for company and when we’ve ourselves for company, we’re faced with ourselves and.. well you get where I’m going with this. So the veil is thin, I am feeling prickly and during previous years I’ve fallen victim to the sting that injects deeply during in the month of Scorpio.

This year feels different. The only example I can give of this is during my run this morning. Striding through the thick fog obstructing the familiarity of surrounding streets, all I could do was notice what is often overlooked on clear, sunny days.

Hello spiderwebs!

fullsizerender

I believe that spiderwebs are the most beautiful pieces of art (I know they’re as natural to a spider as breath is to us but if only they knew how influential their gift was – but that’s the beauty of existence, non of us really know the significance we may hold in others lives). I was once terrified of spiders but since noticing the intricacy of their magnificent creations, I have turned full circle, admiring them so. This morning I was surrounded by dewy webs scattered everywhere. I went for a walk yesterday and noticed not one. Today, because of the fog they stood out like pieces of wonderland, luring me to magical understandings.

img_7476

Thing is, I can’t escape the fog, not in my mind or on the street. It just gets foggy sometimes – all part of the cycle that is life. What I can do is become aware of what stands out in the fog, those intricate, enchanted threads that can so easily disguise themselves as part of the scenery. Yet every part of the scenery is essential in making the scenery so fucking beautiful. I saw that this morning. What we see outside of ourselves is often a reflection from within. This new moon sure got me on my knees in total wonder of how beautiful all those ‘scary’ parts of me can be. I guess it just depends on the ever-changing weather conditions and how willing I am to appreciate the art that is me :).

#10 Grateful for Days Lived A Million Times Over

img_7381

Have you had one of those days when you feel like you’ve lived it a million times before and you’re lost in the routine?  Today was one of those days. I find routine kinda uncomfortable. I know we’re habitual creatures, we like to know the ways of things, to not dwell for too long in the unknown but I really find routine difficult. I’m not sure why, I’m sure I could look into my psychological profile and find a reason as to why this may be but at the moment, I’m trying to lesson my thinking and heighten my feeling. Today I was firmly cemented in the feeling of routine and that made me squirm.

So, in my attempts to feel not think, and for the first time in, well ever, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m not even gonna try and fight this’. So I didn’t. I just felt crappy and uncomfortable and did absolutely nothing to distract from feeling and asked no questions.

Then, with no reflection or forcing answers came a deep knowing, like I’d known all along (which I have but just ignored) that it ALL boils down to control. Routine ties me in, it binds me to whatever it is I’m to do regularly. This could be anything from taking a multivitamin everyday, to committing myself to a relationship. Everything becomes routine eventually and this sets an alarm of ‘I gotta get free from this because it’s beginning to control me, not me controlling it’.

But why do I have to control anything? I thought I had this all figured out over a year ago but news flash, I really don’t!

One thing I do know is this: I’ve never really found an outlet or understood how to process the amount of feelings that rummage around my mind minute by minute SO I have to find a way to control the way I’m feeling by controlling something outside of myself as I’ve often believed this to be the only thing I have control over. Logically I know this is BS, I know the reality I experience is a result of what I’m thinking so trying to control what’s outside of me is basically saying I’ve no control over what’s going on inside. It’s like I’ve lost all trust, in myself. I don’t feel like this everyday, but I am grateful when these feelings do rise as although it’s tough to sit in whatever comes up during those moments of ‘losing’ control, feelings that often arise during the routine of everyday, I know that each time I get to feel discomfort, it’s a new understanding that unfolds.

Life is hard sometimes but tough days squeeze doses of forgotten courage from frightened bones and this give us the sweet nectar to soothe and revive tired wounds.

#9 Grateful for Grumpy Grandmas

Ok, my grandma isn’t grumpy, not all the time anyway. I just always thought of her as grumpy when growing up because when I stayed with her as a kid, she’d mostly tell me what I shouldn’t do rather than what I could.

She’s been staying with us for 3 weeks, basically my uncle has been poorly and there is a huge possibility he could have pancreatic cancer. He’s in the middle of having tests at the moment and as my grandma lives alone, she didn’t want to be on her own during the stressful time of waiting to find out what exactly is the matter with him.

Previously, when she’d stay with us in London (she’s from Leeds in Yorkshire), I’d find it a little stressful, only because I was focusing on the idea that we are completely different. I always found it exhausting defending my views on life during conversations with her about this and that. However, this visit has been like no other. It hasn’t been hard or stressful or challenging at all. We’ve got on, we’ve talked about opposing views but I haven’t flared like I may have done in the past. I’ve stopped judging her (I realise I’ve been very judgemental in the past, obviously the less I judge myself the less I feel the desire to judge others). I have enjoyed her company and appreciated her for who she is, rather than finding fault as she’s not living up the expectations I was imposing upon her. She’s 90! I can learn so much from her… yes she may eat cheap meat and not worry about animal welfare and has very conservative opinions about political affairs but she’s also caring and strong and vibrant and loves meeting people and enjoys her life.

I have been amazed these past few weeks with how much I have learnt about her as I loosen those judgement reigns. I haven’t built the usual ‘I’m not going to talk to you much because you’re just going to upset me’ wall that I’ve been hauling around in her company for the past 10 years. I am so grateful for that, so grateful that I have been able to listen to her, to witness her softer side and to feel a genuine warmth between us that may have previously frozen due to frosty bites I’d use to defend against something that was never attacking me. That’s the point isn’t it, we can build up so much attack in our systems that everything outside begins to resemble a dangerous weapon of mass destruction.

These few weeks I’ve seen many of my weapons melt in the fire that has kept grandma and I warm as we play cards and I show her how to make a almond milk hot chocolate. Turns out, she likes my plant-based cooking and has now bought herself a blender to make smoothies like the one’s she’s enjoyed here.

Life throws us surprises every single day and for me it’s just being receptive, showing an openness to learn rather than defend. Learning to love is the greatest lesson so far (and I can’t imagine it ever gets better than that).