#40 Grateful for Dangerous Questions

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Yesterday in church the most incredible thing happened.

I just want to add here that it’s the second time I’ve been to church in over 10 years. Also, I know no-one at this church, I just followed this faint voice inside, I listened if you like to a whisper that guided me there and boy, did yesterday prove that whisper was right (whispers from God are becoming louder and louder each day).

I didn’t plan to sit near the front, it just happened that way. I went with my mum and we were discussing the view (like we were at the cinema) and jumped seat to seat until we found ourselves a few seats from the front.

“This will do” she said. I was thinking, ‘holy wow this is way too close to the front! I don’t know if I’m comfortable here’. We stayed anyway.

As we stood to sing this incredible, unfathomable force reached someplace deep – if I had the words to describe I would but some experiences are beyond explanation. I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be an ‘easy’ service for me, the music was loud and beautiful and stirred up a bowl of uncomfortable emotions. All I can say is, holy spirit held my entire being and left me no place to escape. I panicked. I don’t like to feel confined, it’s the biggest trigger for my anxieties, the music was loud and LOTS of people surrounded me. Being so close to the front meant I couldn’t just slip away and having so many people behind me meant I couldn’t watch what people were doing. I guess this has been a control thing, watching people, thinking I know what they’re thinking by how they are behaving. I have felt like this has put me in the drivers seat, always thinking I’m one step ahead of everyone else. I am NEVER one step ahead, I know this now.

After the music stopped, we were asked to shake a persons hand we had never met before, this was easy for me as I’m new and know NO-ONE. The lady next to me turned and introduced herself. She’d been a member of the church community for 30 years and the first thing we spoke about was the music and how powerful it was. Then God gave me the permission I needed, she told me that spirit moves her most when she’s singing and is often moved to tears. The whole way through our short exchange of empowering words I could feel anxiety rise in me. Then as we listened to the readings, I truly believed I was about to pass out. I turned to my mum and said, “I’m going to faint”. She said we’d leave after the reading but as she said those words, something happened.

I heard God . He said, “No, you are here to heal, this is where it starts”.

To my mum I replied “I’m ok, we’ll stay”. Even though I wanted to run the hell outta there, I felt something greater holding my hand.

The pastor began to talk about the dangerous questions we often avoid asking ourselves, about our fears and how this limits the love of Jesus. I could feel every cell in my body resonate with these words. I have avoided searching deeply within, questioning the restrictions I bring about myself to prevent growth, to block from me the love of God – I have blocked out love and trust for such a long time. Always wanting to feel in control.

I wanted to faint, it was getting that difficult to process what I was feeling. I knew I had run from my faith for too long and now was the time to show up. I literally felt his presence behind me, ready to catch me should I fall.

Then I cried. The live band took to the stage, the music began and I cried like I’ve never cried in public before. My whole body trembled and tears streamed down my cheek. I felt His hand over my head, comforting and reassuring me this was exactly right, that I have all the permission in the world to feel, to feel the sorrowful pains I’ve felt as I’ve had my back turned for such a long time.

I cannot explain the release. The lady I had been speaking to handed me a tissue. No questions were asked as I could see others crying too. I could see that everyone in that church knew exactly what I was feeling as they’d been to that place too. I felt loved, I felt forgiven, I felt a lightness, like my heart was held in space beside the stars and the magic of creation. My heart was in the hands of God.

So, dangerous questions are not dangerous at all as they reveal so much about what we still hold onto to prevent unconditional love filling our hearts. Our anxieties and fears are revealed to us by God to show us where we’re holding back, where we’re not letting Him in. Where we don’t trust in his love. I have not trusted for such a long time and if I’m honest I’m scared shitless about happened. Surrendering to Jesus and God’s love is not something I had even contemplated before a few weeks ago. I now see that is the miracle, once we say “yes”, love flows more powerfully than ever experienced before and although my ego wants to question everything, my soul feels more alive and at home than ever before.

SURRENDER! (not so easy)

Ok, so I am held in the middle of confusion but I also know that I never want to turn my back on God again. I trust that all will be revealed, that God has always got my back.

Thank you for dangerous questions and the strength and courage to answer them as truthfully as I can. I am always learning and I trust the path will unravel, all I have to do is show up in love.

#39 Grateful for 40 Days of Reflection

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So, seeing as I’ve not even thought about lent for the past loads and loadsa years, I want to use the next 40 days to fast from something that really makes me think and pray and requires loving commitment – to break an old pattern that no longer serves me, God or anyone else.

I don’t eat sugar, I don’t drink coffee or alcohol and I’m rarely on social media these days (I can turn my phone off all day and not really notice). As a child, for lent I would give up chocolate but this felt like an empty act, I was doing it because… well just because and I rarely reflected on the meaning behind why. This year it’s different. I want to go deeper than material restrictions.

I’ve decided to fast from complaining – venting petty, disempowering words to others and to myself, about myself. No words of belittlement, no moaning, no ‘sorrowful’ words to dwell in ‘woe is me’. I do have a tendency to turn my thoughts to dissatisfaction, especially when things are not going as I planned – my separated-self wanting to take the wheel. This is going to take lots of surrender and prayer but I feel excited about the prospect of watching my words, noticing when these feelings of smallness and worry take over. I feel like I am only beginning this close relationship with God (even though I know he has been with me always) and although I feel stages are early, I know for a fact that God wants us to shine and words can be healing treasures or weapons to knock us down. I choose healing treasures! 🙂

With God in my heart, I have no need to complain. I have all I need, I am rich. When I remember this, life feels clear, there is clarity in my thoughts and I reach out to others. However, when words of discontent and lack fill my heart (often feeling before thoughts register that such words are not welcome), I shut down.

I Edge.God.Out.

This year I am letting God back in.

#38 Grateful for my Christian Roots (Home)

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Me, a Christian?

Me? No way

Me? Nope

Me? Not me

Going backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards and sideways and backwards, I’ve been having the above conversation with myself… a battle if you like for the past… wait for it… 20 years!

I’ve researched many religions, many philosophies over the space of 5 years. I’ve searched and I’ve read many texts, valuing greatly the time and opportunity to do so. I enjoy learning about different cultures and belief systems – how societies all over the world have varying beliefs in something greater than themselves. I guess during this process I was rediscovering my relationship with myself and my faith. It seems that the more I research the more I am led to where I came from, back to the unquestionable faith I had as a child, my Christian roots. As I turned my back on God and my faith, I turned my back on myself.

The previous week has been one of enlightenment if you like, a week of letting go to receive Gods love, listening without any restrictions or requests. I have opened myself fully and in doing so, I have come to feel empowered, discovering that when I invite God back into my life, I feel like I am home again (which is the most incredibly calming and settling sensation ever!)

Home is the best way to describe how I am feeling. The last time I felt like I was home was when I visited Texas in 2014. I am a London girl, born and bred. I’d never been to the US before yet when I stepped off the plane in Austin, Tx I felt a softness, like my soul had elevated to a place unknown to me – I felt like I was home. This has baffled me for some time, why there and not in the place I have known my whole life? Yet, opening my heart to God has given me the answer in a very fast and simplistic way. When I went to Texas I let go. I let my guard down as even the miracle of getting on the plane to America was an inspired action of courage, one I never thought I’d be able to carry out. I didn’t think too heavily about this at the time but I allowed myself to surrender all egotistical control. I felt like I was home because I believed. I believed in myself and as a consequence I shone brighter than I remembered I could. The whole holiday was full of miracles, I cannot even begin to explain how magic rippled through each moment. I offered no resistance to the unlimited power of spirit and I know for a fact I met angels, yes beautiful, soul-enriching Angels. Now I see that angels come into my life everyday, especially when invited 🙂 I can’t say the holiday went according to plan but that just accelerated surrender.

I’ve turned my back on light and Love for too long. I’ve dampened my own spirit and I’ve shut my heart to God. I am so grateful to be able to acknowledge this, I feel so blessed that Love has become my primary goal each and every day.

I am so grateful to feel like I’m home no matter where I am as God’s love is everywhere… LOVE is present, always. God Loves, God Loves more than our human minds could ever imagine possible and what greatness this inspires! Greatness beyond expectations.

 

#37 Grateful for the Holy Spirit

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I never thought I’d begin a blog post using the words ‘Holy Spirit’. I have associated the word ‘Holy’ with the traditional teachings of Catholicism, as this was the religion I was most familiar with growing up. I went to a Catholic school and to be honest, I was not happy. This was not because the schools foundations were built on Catholic teachings necessarily. I was often sent to see our school nun as I struggled with my mental health during GCSE years. She was kind but of no healing help as I could not resonate with the place she was preaching from. Saying Hail Mary over and over again and going to confession was not what I needed at this time, however I cannot fault her compassion and good intentions. Mental health in school is a difficult thing to address, no matter the schools principles.

Point is, in my early teenage years I completely severed my relationship with God, for various reasons – I have come to realise that the relationship we have with God is incredibly personal and layered.

I have resisted faith. I cannot find definite reasons why. Our experiences in life are so often beyond explanation. Maybe that’s the point. I have spent so long trying to intellectualise life. I’ve wanted meaning and understanding. I followed a path of further education to broaden my knowledge. This has not been a fruitless path, I believe we walk the road we are supposed to and I have certainly found expansion through shared ideas and expressions, I regret nothing. I value education immensely and feel blessed that I had the choice yet through all those years of learning, I was yearning – always striving forward, heading to the next, needing more and more but never feeling any peace.

It has only been in the past year, a year I have spent learning more about myself, getting to know me more intimately that faith has ignited again. I have meditated and prayed and found a beautiful bond between my mind, body and spirit. It seemed the deeper I swam into the depths of me, my faith in something greater than my individual self grew stronger. Faith was beginning to return, but on a level I have never experienced before.

My relationship with God begins again.

As with all relationships it takes commitment and love, plenty of love. I see God everywhere and when I let go of explanation, I see God in everyone. I cannot even describe the profound love I feel when I surrender to God, letting this incredible force of love into my heart. Maybe I don’t need words. Maybe all I need to do is feel and believe, not demanding proof. Signs have been streaming into my life since I was born, I see that now and I have resisted. I have resisted so much.

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I am tired of resisting. I am tired of judgements. I am tired of bitterness towards those who seem so content in their relationship with God. Once upon a time I would sneer at their beliefs in something greater than them, often belittling to make myself feel more superior. It’s freaking hard work being the ‘right’ party or the holder of hurtful judgements – like a gerbil on a wheel, it gets us no-where.

No longer do I invest energy in ‘seeing is believing’. I believe and then I see. I see beauty and joy and love in so many more places. Joy and pain no longer feels so fleetingly empty, as that is what I struggled with for so many years, feeling alienated and disconnected, no matter my external circumstances. Connection to the Holy Spirit has opened my eyes to possibilities and I feel so eternally grateful to be in this position of love and acceptance. The word Holy feels so incredibly sacred now, like love pulsating consistently through my field of existence, connecting me with all.

With ALL of my heart, I cannot wait to continue this closeness with myself and God. I cannot wait to open my heart even more as I have no doubt that this is only the beginning of something truly wonderful and delicious.

 

#36 Grateful for New Heights of Deliciousness (LoVe)

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The past few weeks have been precious. I know that everyday is precious but some days we remember more than others. Some days we feel so sad and crippled with worry and panic those moments stamp our reality, other days we feel such exhilarating heights, we’re giddy from the pure air we breath when revolving on our high vibrational discs of love.

I used to think this came about mainly when we feel love for another being. Considerations of love were always projected on how another could make me feel. I loved falling in love, I loved the idea of falling in love, I loved the energising energy I felt when I fell in love. Of course now I appreciate that all those incredible, life-enriching energies were coming from the depths of me, flowing through me because I was capable of enjoying such limitless pleasures. Meeting someone who mirrors these feelings creates magic but it is not because of another human that we light up – the light has to be there in the first place.

When I love on this level I understand the concept of unconditional as I am not waiting or requesting or hoping on external circumstances to brew such feelings. Conditions arise when we lean outside of ourselves to smooth over discomforts we feel, to smoother pain with complimentary words from another, which we hold onto for recognition. Recognising our own depths of emotion distills reliance on outside ‘realities’. We crave because we believe to be lacking. Lack does not exist within the laws of the universe and when we fully acknowledge the volts of power we have pulsating through our bodies, all day every day… well we sure don’t need anyone else to reaffirm this. We experience new heights of being alive, all on our own.

Today I am feeling new heights of love because I’m believing wholeheartedly that boundless love lives within me. I feel powerfully loving towards myself, towards life, towards others. It’s taken me a while to feel self-assured in these playful, positive emotions. I believed myself to be ‘darker’ than that. Maybe in a way I visualised myself as the struggling artist or the un-worthy human, struggling through heartbreak and bad luck. This was the narrative I’d constructed but it didn’t feel right. I felt crap and feeling crap is not why I want to be alive. I also didn’t want anyone to think I was blowing my own trumpet when love began to overtake upset. Once upon a time I would judge those expressing love, especially those revelling in the love they felt for themselves. I would snigger at those who achieved great things, those who believed in their abilities. I convinced myself that their external circumstances were more complimentary than mine in terms of achieving a state of love and happiness.

I am so grateful to be able to recognise my own connections to universal energy, to god, to pure energising love. I am so grateful that I can experience moments of clarity and unconditional love. Love is such an incredible force and it never runs away or hides, we just have tendencies to build defensive, self-deprecating beliefs preventing us from feeling… well feeling good 🙂

Maybe we are afraid of our own power as when we begin to understand the limitless love that vibrates so absolutely through the galaxy that is our physical body, suddenly all that we thought impossible begins to creep into very possible visions of our reality. “Can I really do this??”

“YES YOU CAN”

#35 Grateful For 10 More Things To Be Grateful About

 

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Here comes another list 🙂

  1. Grateful for garlic. I know this sounds weird but I love the smell of garlic on my hands. It’s a strong scent so even after a few hand washes the scent stays on my fingers. I LOVE IT. Garlic is delicious and full of good stuff for our body and when I cook with it I feel the meal is complete. So little scent reminders of this medicine is always welcomed.
  2. Grateful for the internet. Our internet went down for about 4 days. It wasn’t a catastrophe and I’m not saying we wouldn’t be able to survive without the internet, we would but it did make me appreciate how often I find inspiration on the world wide web. The internet can make things so much easier and allows me to post on this blog – a place where I’ve connected with people from all over the world! That is pretty darn cool.
  3. Grateful for flaked almonds. I adore almonds but there’s something about them being flaked, maybe it’s the ease of eating them and because of that the flavour seems more intense. It’s like grated carrot – for me the flavour is fuller as it’s softer and not such an effort to chew (that makes me sound so lazy!).
  4. Grateful for my morning meditation. I’ve been meditating for about 3 years now but I can honestly say that only recently I feel I have clicked with this practice/process. When I first started I think I was just going through the motions and trying to find a way that suited me. I was still imposing ego over the process and wanted it to make me feel the way I thought it should be making me feel. You read so many books and quotes about how meditation changes your life, it’s the ‘answer’. It’s not the answer but it certainly helps you to find your truth, something that has been a part of you the whole time, even during darker days. It’s just so easy to muffle our inner voice by thinking what we’ve been told to think and feel. Meditation allows me to tap back into who I truly am… a whole loada love, no matter what circumstances I’m going through 🙂
  5. Grateful for daffodils. Yes, the daffodils are coming out to play. A warm, sunny reminder that spring is on it’s way. A splash of colour reminds me how much I adore the cycle of seasons and the UK does seasons so well.
  6. Grateful for the pretty white house opposite ours. There is something about this house. It’s the only white house on the street, it looks more like a cottage really. We have a large tree outside our house too so from the front room window you can see the house and tree and it kinda looks like a scene from the country rather than a busy suburban London borough.
  7. Grateful for the local farmers market. I was thinking this morning about how much I love our local farmers market. I have this tendency to think about living someplace not so busy and more ‘wild’ than the outskirts of London. However to appreciate where you are each moment is vital if you want to feel good. So I have been thinking about what I love about where I live and the farmers market is one of these things. You can buy local produce and speak to those who make/sell their products – I think that forming a relationship with those who have a hand in creating what you personally enjoy is a beautiful way to truly appreciate what you’re eating/drinking/using/wearing.
  8. Grateful for miso soup. We get an organic vegetable delivery every week and often the box if full of greens (kale, spinach etc). I don’t like raw kale and as we often get a massive bag of it, some was getting wasted as I wasn’t eating it on a daily basis. Now I put it in a miso soup for lunch 🙂 – it’s getting eaten daily and not only am I benefiting from kale’s nutritional offerings, there is no waste at the end of the week.
  9. Grateful for sore cuticles. This is kinda odd but having sore cuticles reminds me that I no longer want to pick at my own skin! It’s become a habit as I used to do it all the time when I was nervous as a kid. Now I do it when I’m reading or even typing as whenever I take a breather from the keyboard my nail automatically begins picking at some hard piece of skin (sounds gross, I know). Now, I am making a conscious decision to stop as I’m only hurting myself.
  10. Grateful for new music discoveries. I love listening to new artists, especially when I’m led to them. I think music represents the energies we’re vibin’ at and when you’re led to new discoveries it feels like it’s tapping into a part of you that may have been asleep. I feel this.

This gratitude list malarky sure does raise the vibrations to places of deliciousness. Thinking this way allows me to see miracles every where and every day. I can’t ask for more than that.

Happy Tuesday and much love!

#34 Grateful For Fresh Perspectives

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I have been thinking a lot about the language I use. The words I have used for many, many years to describe uncomfortable feelings or circumstances have not been resonating as of late.

An example of this is anxiety. The word anxiety has many stale connotations attached. I that for me the past few years have been like a cheese of sadness and anxiety and depression all packed into one ball of wax and dumped into the chambers of my psyche. Well the cheese is beginning to smell and the chamber needs airing. I don’t want these stories to be my reality anymore – it’s not my reality, it actually feels ‘old’ to talk about how ‘hard’ things have been over the past few years as I know that each moment has been of great value – the faith and love I feel today is because of yesterday and the day before and the day before that etc :).

So I am now changing my vocabulary to suit the shift I have recently been experiencing. The term anxiety has now become an ‘influx of feeling’, influx for short. That is what it feels like, an influx of overwhelming sensations that ride my energy system for what feels like an eternity at the time but really only a minute or so. Once you attach yourself to the feeling it becomes harder to surrender, harder to release those expectations of repeat when faced with similar circumstances or emotional triggers. I know triggers must be recognised before any form of healing can take place but it’s important not to focus too much on how you have been feeling when you’re triggered but more on how you want to feel instead.

Also, the descriptive term of Panic Attack… nope, that has gotta change. Attack? There is no attack. My body is responding to assumptions that I am being attacked – panic is not attacking me. We panic because we think we’re in danger so our body is essentially helping us, doing exactly what it is programmed to do. This ‘panic attack’ is my body’s way of helping me to thrive. At all times, day and night, life want’s to survive. Out bodies heal, our breath calms, the body does what it can to keep us alive. Fight or flight is a part of being human yet when you hear the phrase ‘panic attack’ you think of an unsafe and distressing attack on the senses. Yes, the sensations are distressing but feeling unsafe is the one thing you don’t want to dwell on as the more unsafe you feel, the more our body want’s us to escape. The word influx works for this too as panic and anxiety kinda stand under the same umbrella, for me anyway.

I know this may sound like a small and insignificant step but truly, the language we use is imperative in our human experience. Each word has a frequency and if we keep using descriptions that ripple fear through our system then surly our body will never get a break. When the influx of feelings are turned up full volume then all we ever crave is quiet. We search for peace in places we believe will ease the tension when really we had the medicine all along, from the top of our head to the tips of our toes. It’s just a matter or switching perspectives. I don’t talk about this like it’s a light and easy switch to make, believe me the past few years has been an assortment of emotions, many constricting and uncomfortable but the more I begin to believe in myself, as a human being (and more than that, connected to something greater), the more I feel at peace being the woman I want to be (if I can visualise it then it’s who I am already).

Humans are incredibly powerful beings. Look at all that has been manifested, all that has been created in this physical world. All has stemmed from thought, some inspired some not so much but there is no denying that we can pretty much achieve anything should we put our minds to it.

It is the same with language and perspectives. Speak of how you want things to go, speak of new ideas and new interpretations. When our thoughts and our words align, the flow of possibility is endless. I am absolutely beginning to trust this process and am so grateful to be able to believe in the magic I am feeling right now.

Happy Monday and much love 🙂

p.s I have put a photo of my cat on this post because she has got allowing and living in the now down to a fine art! There is no need to describe anything in her world, she just lives and breathes her life. She sure is one of my greatest teachers.