Steady

I wonder if I was a cat in a past life

Staring at the birds

Lazing for hours

Except in this life I don’t pounce on prey

I devour those darting movements, those transparent beams fighting inside

And I’m too rapid as I eat

As they repeat

Again and again

I can see my habits reflected in distractions that carried me here

And are those distractions working?

This cycle, drawing up soils I’ve neglected for 35 years knows little of the answer

And these worms I found, would they have satisfied the cat I was

Would the seeds I planted grow into life that nourishes me and my babies

I shrug, as for now

Being the human I appear to be

Am hungry

Not because the soil isn’t fertile

But I’ve boxed time so neatly that no root had a chance to bed a home, to spread

I can be still for hours, like a lioness

But once I move

It’s violent

And I may have forgotten where I left my cubs

So for now I roam alone

Until I remember that the rain can find me better when I grow tall, steadily.

No life wants to hide away from the sun.

My Favourite Fairies

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Last night in my dreams

I climbed high up a tree

And I spoke to the fairies

Who live higher than me

Their wings were green

And were brighter than bright

I could see them coming

In the darkness of night

They whispered they’d heard me

Before I could ask

And I couldn’t believe

They knew my wish so fast

And with that they went

Before saying any more

I frowned and felt cheated

Then fell to the floor

“Those fairies are rubbish

They don’t grant wishes

I should have gone to the water

And asked all the fishes”

But as I walked home

Bare foot in the woods

I was stopped by some wolves

Faces shaded by hoods

I screamed to the fairies

“You know that I’m scared

Why send me these wolves

If you really cared”

I froze from the fear

And awaited my fate

I’ll be tasty I’m sure

On their wolf sized plate

But all fell silent

And I opened one eye

The wolves they nodded

And passed me by

I laughed to myself

Oh fairies, you’re wise

You sent me my wish

In a hairy disguise

As to you I had prayed

That I’d live my days

Driven not by fear

But in courageous ways

Wings

Because the birds can fly

It makes me question things

Why was I born a human?

When I dream of having wings.

I would take off everyday

Hearing nothing but the breeze

No toes to break anymore

Nor more grazing of my knees.

Never wishing I was someplace else

As I’d soar across the sand

I’d be free to coast the ocean

And my garden’s where I land.

Before Me Now

I wonder who I was before me, now?

What if I’d been a tree before I was a human

Or a decomposing leaf

Or I was the tree, the leaf, the rabbit that rummaged amongst the fallen leaves and the soil on the rabbits paw

What if I was the field that the rabbit dreamed of

Every blade of grass and dandelion

Or the roots of a weed

Or the bacteria that lives on the root

Or the worm that travels underground

What if I was the bird that ate the worm and so food that feeds her babies, could have been me too

Or the dirt in her nest or the twigs she collects

What if I was the shell on the beach that breaks when stepped on or the blood that trickles into the sand

Or the sand itself or the seabed

Or the crab or the jellyfish

Or the seaweed that dances on the surface

Or the salt in the sea

What if I was the pepper ground to a powder

Or the potato cooked to perfection or the metal of the fork before it was moulded

What if I’d once lived in the intestine of a whale

Or a shark or even the creatures we now find in fossils

What if I’d once lived on a meteorite which plummeted to this planet

What id I’d been every colour of the galaxy

Or a spark in the big bang, present at the start of beginnings

And endings

Recycled over and over until I got to be here

What if I’m ancient and my soul is so old I’ll never remember exactly where I came from

Or know where I’m going

What if I grew out of nothing and thats where I’m headed

Or I’m the smallest of everything floating within the infinite of nothing

I wonder who I was before me, now?

 

No Longer Asking

 

Spirit, lead me someplace to find you

I ask them to make themselves heard

And make it bright, with flames I’ll see in the mist

I waited, for a day or two

Their response I’d so clearly plotted

To which I believed they’d ignored

I prayed to the moon

Clasped within a wishbone cage

“Am I to ask you instead?”

Sunk are my pleas as I notice nothing

So I tug at myself, limbs that entwine senses

I must find a place to curl into these wonders

Surely the fineness of these landscapes know something?

And with broken tissue, I fight on

Nothing came

But soreness, buried

How am I to know the order of this chaos?

The beginnings of inquisition, I cannot remember

But I do remember answers, logical

Yet still the questions poured

And deeper I clawed

But the crawling, it hurt

So I cry to the clouds

“You impersonal temptress!”

Enough is enough

I’m too tired for this precision

Instead, thank you and goodbye

For your love is swollen

And I’ve no time

Thinking time is all I have to waste

But darn it, it was me

Holding on for instruction

And I am bursting at the seams with knowing

Harnessing needs

Silencing birth pains

And thank god, spirit transcends suffocation

I asked for forgiveness, for the blaming and taming

But not before my cells resonate

With the unfolding of bestowed blessings

Mastery in motion

To see myself as that

In the dirt, with blood on my knees

And pimpled skin and bones that ache from dancing in the dark

Brilliance is what I am

I am the perceiver of every sign I need

And I’ll dance as one

With those I’d once requested reassurance

No longer asking

But thankful to know already.

 

Wild Opals

I saw you

Above the tiles that promised to keep out the rain

Your eyes were opal, that’s how I remembered them

And the sun was always setting but your hair was more golden than the light

I sat crossed legged

Like a child waiting to hear a fairytale

Your nails were short

But not bitten, you had been working on the land

And your fingers were stained by the soil

Or the cigarettes you used to smoke

You told me smoking was bad for your health

I assumed you stopped, you never told me you had

And we were there

Saying very little to each other but then we never did speak much

My joints loosened as you spoke and your rhythm pulsed within me

Your voice

Still, those whispers caught in the tide

Are your way

Go North you told me

Catch the red berries

Place them on the ground around your shivering body

Breathe into your cold palms

And let your warmth remind you

That you are enough

I called you a witch

Because I couldn’t pen you down

You were defiant against description

Beyond the madness of sanity

I was haunted by you

And as I prayed to understand you

Your craft I wished to home

I was gifted with an empty note

And a furious breeze

That beckoned towards the northern sea

Keep moving, I hear

Don’t stiffen with the wanting

As then you’d be like those

And I, I hear

Have become, already.

I


Where did I place I, 

       the capital, the stamp?

The stem that propped success 

Where did I get lost? 

       as not looking so straight as before

And falling into stand,

       but cannot find the footprints 

            where heels were dug so deep.

Searching back to written as proper

But now

         we melt 

              or so it feels

As we 

    becoming

Once I was drawn in water,

           a line dividing fishes 

               now tides remember  

So I ask where is I?

           knowing already,

               but pray to forget.