Non-committed Writing


It’s been such a long time since I’ve sat down to commit to writing. Short, uncomplicated poems have been bursting from my hand like bubbles in pop but to actually commit to a thought that trails longer than a breath (which is how poetry feels to me, an exhalation, the next idea comes as quickly as the last) has felt weighty and awkwardly unnatural.

And I’ve been running with the unnatural by doing nothing. Not even trying to write beyond the poem. Not even brainstorming or journaling or thinking beyond the pauses, no longer stringing one idea to another to create a bulk of something that may or could or would mould into a story or reflection. And then I wonder if any of this even matters. Is this is worth even writing about, the not writing stuff. And is the not writing a symptom of a bigger disillusion? And what am I feeling disillusioned about… what has changed?

Everything has changed. Everything always does change, day by day. And these changes can build into a complete overhaul of how we perceive ourselves and the world. And that make me feel a little disillusioned at times as it only reminds me that all we label ourselves to be are only fleeting beliefs, constructed by everything we’ve absorbed till that point.

What a wild world we live in. It’s scary as hell and more beautiful than imagined galaxies, more surreal than dreams, more intense than heightened cravings. And to think about what I want want to write about overwhelms me as there are a million feelings worth exploring and endless sinarios that paint a complex tapestry of chapters. 

So poetry soothes this chaos, its eases the wordy pulse that quickens during 3am wake up calls. It makes sense to not try and make sense of anything, I wonder if we’re never supposed to understand. I’ve spent the past few years trying to find myself in a flow that suits. I still feel a little bloated and bulky during various moments of the day. That’s just me and I’m ok with that now.

Was I always trying to be an idea of myself, as I beat myself up for not writing the novel I once hoped I’d be able talk about to inquisitive strangers? Who knows, I certainly don’t. 

So I guess poetry is my commitment, steering frantic energies that would only bury themselves in my bones if I didn’t pick up the pen. It’s medicine to write what feels right. Fuck what I think I’m supposed to be doing. 

I’m supposed to be doing me, right now, being the only woman I know how to be. For now, anyway.

Bestest 

So said the dog ‘oh human, I’d really like to know, where exactly is the spot that biscuits like to grow?’
‘You know the ones you give me, to settle me at night, I’d like to find them for myself and take a crunchy bite’

The human laughed ‘oh dog, they do not grow on trees, they’re made by hands of human kind and travel overseas. See the biscuits that you eat, aren’t natural like the grass, they’re made of stuff I cannot spell and stamped to show they pass. Passed as what, I’m not too sure, but still you like to chew, they seem to keep you able, to do as dogs can do’

The dog was not too sure of this, as what should he then eat, if missiles were to hit the earth and kill off all the meat? ‘If that should happen’ the human said ‘you’d die as well, I’m sure.’ So said the dog, ‘how sad is that’ and cried into his paw.

The human and the dog, they hugged until it hurt, but then the human had a thought she couldn’t wait to blurt. ‘You see, we could get blown so high we find another planet, where I could be a butterfly and you could be a rabbit. And then we’d eat whatever’s there, be yellow, red or blue. We’d nibble on fresh pastures green or make a rainbow stew. Let’s hope that if this world should end our souls will stay together. To roam around this universe, best pals we’ll be forever’

#33 Grateful for Saturday Unravellings

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Today I feel inspired. I’ve been standing in what feels like a beam of light for the past few days and it’s feels delicious.  I am attributing this to tapping into energies of gratitude and love – letting my heart lead.

Thinking has taken a back seat and I’ve kinda surrendered into feelings, which is incredibly unusual for me as I have a tendency to tense my body in the illusion that I’m keeping control of my emotions. Of course when control comes from a place of fear it blocks any avenue of growth. Now my walls are down.

As today has been a calm, slow day. Slow in a unravelling kinda way. I wrote another gratitude list. Last year I read the book ‘Make Miracles in Forty Days’ by Melody Beattie. Her inspired idea is to write a list of gratitudes each day (in the morning as soon as you wake) and do this for forty days. She did this when she was going through a terrible time in life and as her levels of gratitude rose, her life began to flow more positively. Basically it helps you to feel good. She also shared her list with a friend each day, this gave the list more momentum. So I am taking a leaf out of her book and sharing my list.

  1. I am grateful for the watercolour set I found under my bed. I’ve had a load of art supplies under the bed for years. I almost gave away the watercolour set I own as I never thought I would use it but I had this feeling I should keep it, so I did. Well my premonition was right and now they are being put to good use. Adding colour to paper is the most satisfying thing. Even when you have no idea what you’re doing before you begin to paint (which is me 99% of the time) the outcome is always fun, even if the picture isn’t quite what you’d hoped for.
  2. I am grateful for lighter evenings. YES! I love the longer days of Spring and Summer. Just when I was thinking ‘oh man, this winter feels like it’s never ending’ I notice that it’s no longer getting dark at 4pm anymore. This makes me smile, a lot.
  3. I am grateful for warm socks. I love walking around bare foot but in the winter, this is not the cosiest option. I have a couple of pairs of extra warm socks and when the floor is cold and the air is chilly, putting on a pair of warm socks is like honey in tea.
  4. I am grateful for my meditation cushion. I have only gotten into using a cushion specially designed for meditation. I didn’t see the point of them before but now I spend most of my time sat on the floor, even when I’m working. The sturdy, buckwheat filled cushion has been medicine for my back.
  5. I am grateful for lemons. I LOVE a warm lemon tea in the morning. It’s become part of my wake up ritual and when I smell the freshly cut citrus scent, it sends my senses into a frenzy of ecstasy (I know that sounds extreme but boy, do I love lemons).
  6. I am grateful for the tulips in the vase on the cabinet. A dear friend of mine visited me yesterday and brought me some flowers. I feel so blessed as not only is it lovely to receive flowers unexpectedly, now whenever I look at them I think of her and how we laughed and connected over lunch and a hot chocolate. Beautiful times!
  7. I am grateful for my hemp yoga mat. It took me a while to get used to having less grip than the rubber one I previously owned but my whole body feels stronger because of my core having to strengthen in order to flow as I’d done before. Also, it’s better for my skin as the rubber was making my feet and arms itch (my skin obviously doesn’t like rubber!). It’s made with 100% natural materials… good for me and the environment 🙂
  8. I am grateful for Earl Grey tea. Yep, although I have given up coffee I still enjoy a little cup of caffeinated tea in Earl Grey form. Today’s was extra delicious for some reason, I’m not questioning the deliciousness 🙂
  9. I am grateful for chips. I don’t eat much fatty food, for the reason that it makes me feel crappy and tired. I seem to be craving fresh foods over processed these days anyway. However tonight is gonna be chips for dinner as it’s nice to enjoy a little of what you fancy.
  10. I am grateful for coconut oil. I don’t actually use it to cook, I use it on my skin and it seems to agree. Eating coconut makes me feel sick for some reason, I think it aggravates my stomach acid. I adore the smell though and the texture of the oil feels like luxury on my skin. Who doesn’t like a touch of luxury every now and again 🙂

Well that’s my ten for today. Life is FULL of magic and making miracles has become a priority for me. We all have a choice, we can decide we want to feel good or we don’t 🙂

Much love and magic to y’all!

Found

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She sings to caged bones, lost within the mist of belonging.

She dances bare foot upon moistened earth, praying for understanding.

It never comes.

She bows to tradition, seeking ritual to carve truths. Surface wounds bleed, iron seeping into her receptive soul.

With open arms she calls for the owl at midnight hours.

Yet hours mock, the clock is no friend. Ideals from childhood still haunting present fascinations.

No owl spied. Only paper reflections are points of reference for her, landscape fantasies gracing daydreams.

Traffic echoes.

Mechanic limbs constricting her breath. Machine realities play vividly during meditations. Her world is one of construction, built by green-fingered desires.

Stung by tastes of metal and chemical pastes, smeared across her pastel complexion.

Her skin is worn from tired work. Decades never to resurrect.

Her hair knotted.

Her vision hovers below sun kissed horizons, counting steps to avoid straight lines in pavements.

Her nights are late. Conversations with electric devices partner imaginings of community. Muttering of others existence to be one full of wrongs.

Her life is lost.

Mystery cradles tearful days. The moon ignites primal blueprints and wants of change that never come about. She sits, palms connect to ancient chants, wrenching her from modern chains. Fearless commitment is more than she can fathom.

Yet commit she must, to save a soul not yet broken.

#13 Grateful for Melting Hearts

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Morning blessings!

Today I am grateful for human resilience. For the strength we hold in our hearts, our minds, our soul. One day our hearts can feel frozen, the next melting waters feed our growth, our understandings.

There is nothing we are thrown that we cannot withstand, we keep going until we stop yet even then our spirit merges to a place so mysterious it has fed the imagination of a million generations. There is nothing we know for certain yet I truly believe that deep down, we have an understanding for everything.

As the earth rolls from pink skies to darkness, there is no end or beginning, just a continuation of movement and we glide, we soar, we soak in the changing view.

All happens for a reason and I am grateful for faith, trust and universal love as that is what holds us tightly through unchartered territory. Thank you for melting hearts, they are never wasted, only absorbed.

LoVe

The beauty in me

I decide to see

Depends on the winds

That coast

Since I can’t grasp the air

Nor solemnly swear

That I’ll feel this way

For the rest of the day

So I call on my heart

To draft me a chart

Of what to do

When I feel like shit

And low and behold

Such feelings unfold

Of love

And that is it

As not one little bit

Does the beauty in me

Need more than to be

Feeling such feelings

Of love

Day’s

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Day’s flow

Weaving their way into perceptions

Some days I can’t help but force

To ignite a need for outcome, to satisfy

To push against the wall ahead, breaking fingers and scarring knuckles

Day’s ebb

Confined spaces only contract as I grow

Some days, what’s the point?

Our hopes dwindle as the air thickens but we never stop

Atoms swell, caressing our view

And stone fears must be carved into tools

Then we are useful, our use becomes much more than 9-5

And we may follow gravel paths walked before

Recognising our footprints

Knowing all too well

And days link from one to the next

But each brings a new taste, a new scent from buds blossoming

And we learn

We learn that the same may never need be the same again.