#33 Grateful for Saturday Unravellings

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Today I feel inspired. I’ve been standing in what feels like a beam of light for the past few days and it’s feels delicious.  I am attributing this to tapping into energies of gratitude and love – letting my heart lead.

Thinking has taken a back seat and I’ve kinda surrendered into feelings, which is incredibly unusual for me as I have a tendency to tense my body in the illusion that I’m keeping control of my emotions. Of course when control comes from a place of fear it blocks any avenue of growth. Now my walls are down.

As today has been a calm, slow day. Slow in a unravelling kinda way. I wrote another gratitude list. Last year I read the book ‘Make Miracles in Forty Days’ by Melody Beattie. Her inspired idea is to write a list of gratitudes each day (in the morning as soon as you wake) and do this for forty days. She did this when she was going through a terrible time in life and as her levels of gratitude rose, her life began to flow more positively. Basically it helps you to feel good. She also shared her list with a friend each day, this gave the list more momentum. So I am taking a leaf out of her book and sharing my list.

  1. I am grateful for the watercolour set I found under my bed. I’ve had a load of art supplies under the bed for years. I almost gave away the watercolour set I own as I never thought I would use it but I had this feeling I should keep it, so I did. Well my premonition was right and now they are being put to good use. Adding colour to paper is the most satisfying thing. Even when you have no idea what you’re doing before you begin to paint (which is me 99% of the time) the outcome is always fun, even if the picture isn’t quite what you’d hoped for.
  2. I am grateful for lighter evenings. YES! I love the longer days of Spring and Summer. Just when I was thinking ‘oh man, this winter feels like it’s never ending’ I notice that it’s no longer getting dark at 4pm anymore. This makes me smile, a lot.
  3. I am grateful for warm socks. I love walking around bare foot but in the winter, this is not the cosiest option. I have a couple of pairs of extra warm socks and when the floor is cold and the air is chilly, putting on a pair of warm socks is like honey in tea.
  4. I am grateful for my meditation cushion. I have only gotten into using a cushion specially designed for meditation. I didn’t see the point of them before but now I spend most of my time sat on the floor, even when I’m working. The sturdy, buckwheat filled cushion has been medicine for my back.
  5. I am grateful for lemons. I LOVE a warm lemon tea in the morning. It’s become part of my wake up ritual and when I smell the freshly cut citrus scent, it sends my senses into a frenzy of ecstasy (I know that sounds extreme but boy, do I love lemons).
  6. I am grateful for the tulips in the vase on the cabinet. A dear friend of mine visited me yesterday and brought me some flowers. I feel so blessed as not only is it lovely to receive flowers unexpectedly, now whenever I look at them I think of her and how we laughed and connected over lunch and a hot chocolate. Beautiful times!
  7. I am grateful for my hemp yoga mat. It took me a while to get used to having less grip than the rubber one I previously owned but my whole body feels stronger because of my core having to strengthen in order to flow as I’d done before. Also, it’s better for my skin as the rubber was making my feet and arms itch (my skin obviously doesn’t like rubber!). It’s made with 100% natural materials… good for me and the environment 🙂
  8. I am grateful for Earl Grey tea. Yep, although I have given up coffee I still enjoy a little cup of caffeinated tea in Earl Grey form. Today’s was extra delicious for some reason, I’m not questioning the deliciousness 🙂
  9. I am grateful for chips. I don’t eat much fatty food, for the reason that it makes me feel crappy and tired. I seem to be craving fresh foods over processed these days anyway. However tonight is gonna be chips for dinner as it’s nice to enjoy a little of what you fancy.
  10. I am grateful for coconut oil. I don’t actually use it to cook, I use it on my skin and it seems to agree. Eating coconut makes me feel sick for some reason, I think it aggravates my stomach acid. I adore the smell though and the texture of the oil feels like luxury on my skin. Who doesn’t like a touch of luxury every now and again 🙂

Well that’s my ten for today. Life is FULL of magic and making miracles has become a priority for me. We all have a choice, we can decide we want to feel good or we don’t 🙂

Much love and magic to y’all!

Sortin’ Shit Out

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There’s some weird shit going on in my head

You hear that too?

And I ain’t yet through

It’s not always pretty

There’s more to come

I don’t yet think I’ve even begun

To know the depths

Of where I was

Those currents took me far because

I’d swear I’ve not been to places I see

Downing bitters and herbal tea

Making me shed before I was this

And when the hell will I vomit up bliss?

I’ve waited for centuries

Or longer still

To crumple to crap

‘Just pop in a pill’

It’ll help I’m told

Just do as they say

Oh boy, it got me fucked up that way

So this stuff I feel

I’ll shake it out

Cheers to the movers

Salute to the soothers

Draw me a circle of where I should be

And there I’ll shuffle, hesitantly

As I know this shit

I’ve mastered the (eye)

Fenced by a name

And found lenses to lie

I’ll be something special

I’ll always be that

Cos I’m freestyle dancing

Wearing Kraps hat

 

 

#31 Grateful for DAY(S) OF LOVE

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Ok, so everyday is a day for lovin’, a day for squeezin’, a day for hugging but today I can feel love in the air. Yep, it’s Valentines day and I can feel how much more people are thinking of the ones they love – like love is coasting collective thought, riding those limitless waves :).

Vibrations are buzzing and smiles are decorating the streets (this could just by state of mind imagining such scenarios but I have certainly witnessed more joy in strangers eyes, more than usual anyway). I may not be in a relationship with another being but I am certainly embracing the relationship I have with myself. I am evolving each day and becoming more aware of this expansion has been so deliciously invigorating. Something incredible happens when you begin to truly love who you are. No Bullshit, no pretence, just being you…. always becoming, always loved, always.

I love that word ‘becoming’. No one human has ever ‘arrived’ (well maybe a couple of Saints and Sages :)) as there is final terminal, just renewal, in one way or another. This idea of becoming allows me to forgive myself for all the mishaps and choices I once scolded myself for in the past. I was making choices I thought best at the time as I was and always will be ‘becoming’. We can only ever learn, there is no perfect answer or right way to go about things. We can only do what feels right, even if this doesn’t align with others wishes, we do what feels best for us. I have not always done what was best for me but I have learnt that I hurt myself and others more in making decisions based on the fear that I didn’t want to cause bother or upset (otherwise I might not be liked anymore). People will stay in your life and understand your reasons if they love you. Love connects us, not hazy decision making and cosy (untruthful) words.

Today I am lovin’ the shit out of myself. Magic is happening everyday, and I am noticing, really understanding the subtleties of love – allowing this power force to sail through me with less resistance. It’s not always an easy task to return to love, especially when we feel claustrophobic with responsibility or our hearts feel heavy from past trauma/pain or empathising with those around us as they ride difficult times. However, there is no stronger healing force than love and as Frankie Goes to Hollywood says ‘The power of love, a force from above, cleaning my soul… make love your goal’.

So breath in that force, it is everywhere! Today I am grateful for Love and the celebration of Love. I promise to say ‘I Love you’ to myself every single day. Just hearing those three  words, they make me smile, no matter the circumstances I find myself in.

Happy day of Love to y’all, may it carry through to tomorrow and the next day and the day after that :).

 

 

 

#29 Grateful for My New Found Love of Art

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This no-phone week has been delicious, I almost want to turn if off permanently! I feel calmer, I feel less anxious and less afraid to experiment with my art (my newly discovered passion). On a side note, I would seriously recommend turning your phone off for longer than a day. Life will go on and people will find you should they need to. I don’t think we need to be so accessible all the time, we’re just made to think life won’t be full without it. It will… but that is just my opinion 🙂

Today I painted the above. I call it  I see. 

I have zero art experience, well apart from a GCSE in art (taken nearly 20 years ago!!), but I freaking LOVE to paint and draw. It has only been in the past few months that I bothered to pick up a paintbrush and I only started drawing because I wanted to create a visual to match my poems, to jazz ‘um up a little (obviously I didn’t think they were good enough on their own!).

I’m no master and to be honest, that isn’t my aim –  I won’t be trying to impress anyone with what I create, that’s for sure. Surely the personal benefits of self-expression are more important than how ‘accurate’ or ‘masterful’ the painting is.

Also, what I love about painting is seeing the results of your labour straight away. When I’m writing, it’s a slow process, or it feels slow anyway (especially the novel for obvious reasons). The page can become a blur of words, thoughts can seem scattered but when I paint, it seems to make more immediate sense (to me anyway).

I  feel so lucky that I am able to express myself in this way. In many ways. I truly believe that we find so much peace and healing when we get intimate with ourselves, to begin to understand our soul truth. Self-expression is a grounding practice. It centres us, keeps our hearts open to feel, no matter what feelings arise. Self-expression keeps us wild and alive and in touch with what it means to be human. I’m sure I have written something similar to this in previous posts, I guess it’s been an incredibly important healing tool for me. For a long time I became so obsessed with ‘being spiritual’ I forgot I AM SPIRITUAL, just by being alive. Painting leads me back to me, the real me, the me I am learning to love unconditionally. Honouring my creativity taps deeper into the universal force that dances inside of us all. I feel so strongly that my mental health has improved due to expressing myself, not worrying about what others may think of my work, just expressing who I am. I have noticed that being honest in my work has attracted more honesty into my life and this has been such a gift, one I didn’t even know I wanted.

Within, we have all the magic and pleasures of life. We are the holders of so much love and light (darkness too as without dark we have no understanding of light). We all have much to share and many talents just waiting to be explored.

Let’s get busy exploring 🙂

 

Warrior (I)

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I don’t see a broken woman anymore

I’m not the wreck I thought myself before

Yes, I hold the crap I’ve kept

I greet the fears I’ve always met

My heart still aches from shrapnel wounds

Still blinded by those darn typhoons

I wonder still where time has flown

Why seeds of doubt have stubbornly grown

But life stirs up the shit I hid

Those frets, they’re living, not stains to rid

I’ll loosen grip through daily strains

Nor question tears that ease my pains

I’m not shattered glass upon the floor

I am not a broken woman anymore

Tales of Love

 

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Saturate me with tales of love

Not dinner dates or three-day rules

Forget about void conversation

That relentless depletion as illusion builds

And caged intentions quiver, anticipating defeat

My skin is my skin

But my soul is forever boundless in her scope

Let me love, as the trees welcome the ants

Love, as perfume shared by the lavender

So freely coasts the summer breeze

Love, as the sunrise tickles enthusiasms

Yearnings explode. Purples and pinks decorate the mist

Let me feel the truth in love

The bond that ties our hands to the soil

Muddy fingers planting apple seeds and cherry pits

Let me love with no receipt

And watch demands disappear, pulled under by natures current

I think I’m beginning to understanding

What love is

Me, delicious?

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What if

I forget how to breathe

One day my lungs pack up

And I freeze

For longer than a minute

An hour

I die right there

And purple veins decorate marbled blood

Clots of dark, crumble

Hawks hover above

Liquid pink drenches the earth

And twigs played by bones

Settle alone

Waiting for the squirrel to collect

What if

All I knew of myself

When painted lips pout in the morning

As I decide by the light of the mirror

My worth

Was gone in a flash

Ground down to feed the worms

Every inch of me

Nourishes another

So what if

Before I die

I decide to be delicious

Before the hawks and the squirrels and the worms

Enjoy me

I’ll make sure to enjoy myself first

Bless

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Bless the turns that I made wrong

And bless those right as well

For neither turned out how I’d hoped

Both led me straight to hell

I joke

At least I think I do

As hell can’t be all day

Yet hell can be when hell decides

Or do we have final say?

I’d hope to think we make that call

On how we rule our fate

So bless me on my choices made

And the paths I choose to take