All this noise
Distracting me from birdsong
Did I once sit still for longer than an hour without ‘doing’
Even meditating can be a task, something to do as I attempt to do nothing
But doing nothing, for the sake of doing nothing
When I’m not watching or listening
But I am, always
Thoughts are cropped, shortened, thickened
‘Thinking’ I say out loud
Something, always something
The clouds are moving
The bees are working
The cat is snoring as she does nothing, dreaming whilst curled at the end of my bed
As long as breath fills me
And my eyelids open
So I interpret as I wish
Take full responsibility for the tide I choose to ride
I’m something, always
The past few weeks have been precious. I know that everyday is precious but some days we remember more than others. Some days we feel so sad and crippled with worry and panic those moments stamp our reality, other days we feel such exhilarating heights, we’re giddy from the pure air we breath when revolving on our high vibrational discs of love.
I used to think this came about mainly when we feel love for another being. Considerations of love were always projected on how another could make me feel. I loved falling in love, I loved the idea of falling in love, I loved the energising energy I felt when I fell in love. Of course now I appreciate that all those incredible, life-enriching energies were coming from the depths of me, flowing through me because I was capable of enjoying such limitless pleasures. Meeting someone who mirrors these feelings creates magic but it is not because of another human that we light up – the light has to be there in the first place.
When I love on this level I understand the concept of unconditional as I am not waiting or requesting or hoping on external circumstances to brew such feelings. Conditions arise when we lean outside of ourselves to smooth over discomforts we feel, to smoother pain with complimentary words from another, which we hold onto for recognition. Recognising our own depths of emotion distills reliance on outside ‘realities’. We crave because we believe to be lacking. Lack does not exist within the laws of the universe and when we fully acknowledge the volts of power we have pulsating through our bodies, all day every day… well we sure don’t need anyone else to reaffirm this. We experience new heights of being alive, all on our own.
Today I am feeling new heights of love because I’m believing wholeheartedly that boundless love lives within me. I feel powerfully loving towards myself, towards life, towards others. It’s taken me a while to feel self-assured in these playful, positive emotions. I believed myself to be ‘darker’ than that. Maybe in a way I visualised myself as the struggling artist or the un-worthy human, struggling through heartbreak and bad luck. This was the narrative I’d constructed but it didn’t feel right. I felt crap and feeling crap is not why I want to be alive. I also didn’t want anyone to think I was blowing my own trumpet when love began to overtake upset. Once upon a time I would judge those expressing love, especially those revelling in the love they felt for themselves. I would snigger at those who achieved great things, those who believed in their abilities. I convinced myself that their external circumstances were more complimentary than mine in terms of achieving a state of love and happiness.
I am so grateful to be able to recognise my own connections to universal energy, to god, to pure energising love. I am so grateful that I can experience moments of clarity and unconditional love. Love is such an incredible force and it never runs away or hides, we just have tendencies to build defensive, self-deprecating beliefs preventing us from feeling… well feeling good 🙂
Maybe we are afraid of our own power as when we begin to understand the limitless love that vibrates so absolutely through the galaxy that is our physical body, suddenly all that we thought impossible begins to creep into very possible visions of our reality. “Can I really do this??”
“YES YOU CAN”
When i first read about the act of surrender I couldn’t get my head around it. Say if I’m having an argument and I surrender, surly I am giving my power away to the other person by saying ‘sure, you go ahead and do or say whatever it is you want to say or do and I’ll just surrender to whatever you want as I have read this to be a healthy thing to do’.
Firstly, I got the analogy totally wrong as I was lost in the meaning. I was still thinking about myself in relation to other people, thinking about my reaction to them and how my behaviour makes others behave. Letting reaction lead rather than personal action, it’s been a common misplacement of power my whole life and when I first began to understand the concept of ‘waking up’ or living life more consciously I realised just how much I have let the opinions of others guide personal steps.
Now surrender means something entirely different. It means to allow, to relax into the moment and not fight rising sensations. This has been one of the most valuable tools for healing. I have spent a very long time fighting myself. Getting frustrated at the present moment as I’d wanted things to be different. Always different. Like the moment was not quite as I’d wanted it to be. Of course, I now see that everything is exactly as it should be, I had manifested my thoughts perfectly as inside I was fighting. Fight within and without gives you more to fight about. It’s plain and simple, think something and you get more of it. Complain and you get more to moan about. Be dissatisfied and satisfaction doesn’t get a look in, no matter what comes your way, dissatisfaction will take centre stage
“Nope, this is not what I wanted!”
“What did you want?”
“I don’t know, but not this!”
It’s a vicious conversation but one that played over in my head like a badly scripted drama. However it’s never just in the head is it? Every thought, every visual, every feeling is a part of our whole self. Therefore, with each conflicting thought I was having a fist fight under the surface and some part of my body was feeling the brunt. Like I was turning my reality into a boxing match with no end to decide on a winner. Bash, here you go kidneys or thump, take that lower back. You catch my drift.
Surrender eases all this. It releases attachment and that is the medicine right there, letting go. Attachment is illusionary. There really is nothing outside of our being that can satisfy us more than all we are within. Even opinions are formed, usually from words spoken by others. Opinions can feel definite but more often than not opinions will change, they will morph over time and what you once thought to be the absolute truth can eventually feel like a lie. Attachments can be made to a new ideas until a ‘better’ one comes along, one that makes more sense in that moment, until another and then another. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have opinions, I know me too well to know I will continue to have opinions, plenty I’m sure. It’s the attachment that causes the conflict, that you’re right and others are wrong. That is what I am looking out for, the certainty and righteousness that attachment can bring.
To me, surrender is like the balm that moistens the skin before attachment buries into my pores. It has allowed me to observe myself in the moment rather than hold onto feelings and continue the story of ‘My entire being is this feeling I am feeling right now’. That was a crappy story and only had crappy endings. If a feeling arises, my best bet is to surrender to it. I don’t need to fight it as I know it won’t last. It doesn’t need a huge amount of energy invested as it is just that, energy – so therefore I’d be fighting my energy with my energy, investing a whole load of me into the destruction of me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a freaking hard practice. One that I am far from mastering but just making the decision to surrender has been soothing. “Oh yummy, I don’t need to fight anymore”.
Surrendering is not a loss of power. We gain as are able to process in a more calm and centred way, without letting conflict drain our life force (and it drains by the gallon!). To witness the process of being human rather than getting swept up in the drama and stories and confusion is precious. Even if I can only manage a few minutes a day, it’s a gift to myself. To remove tensions and limiting beliefs about who I am, this is what I know to be the best healing tonic. Today I feel incredibly grateful that I am able to practice surrender, to be able to let go of thoughts and habits that no longer serve me. I doubt they ever served me well in the first place. I am grateful for the peace surrender brings.
Most of all I am grateful for the journey, as I do feel like each minute is a journey back to me and it never gets boring as there are new discoveries, always.
Stems from me
Grows inside my pocket
I held so hard onto thinkin’
Knowing I knew rights from wrong
But shit, I know nothing
Days are a chalkboard
Smeared by grasping fingers
Blowing upon words to disappear
Within the breeze
Defiant in belief
‘Wrong you say?’
‘Fuck off, this is my way!’
And outright lie
Everyday doing something small
That needs not to be done
Because it eases
Softens the separation
I cry for a turtle bound by plastic
As I open a packet of fruit shipped from afar
It’s fucking bizarre
Consequences pave the decline
Labels of ‘mine’
Heals without our pity
But hate we hold
And selves we scold
Kills her softly
Nothing lightens until the load is shared
To gently mould
To venture on
When roles taken
We feel deeply
Left on fingers
As beaten thoughts
The howls that rumble
And we stumble
Upon that strength
To snap the wire
Are the bands
That bound our hands
To what we believed
Was all we could be
In the depths of our core
We’ve grown to aspire
Than all we know
As above and below
Gratitude is addictive… like the most delicious cup of creamy coffee yet without any heart palpitations or needing the loo 20 minutes after! I have been documenting daily gratitudes on my instagram account for the past 60 odd days and it.is.magic! I wanted to do the 365 project but, well technology had other ideas and for the past three days my personal instagram account keeps crashing (thankfully not my writing account, which is weird as I’m using the same phone… I’m taking it as a sign!). Today I made the decision to delete my personal feed, I’ve been posting for the past 7 or so years so it’s time to retire and let go.
So I’m transferring my daily gratitudes over to here, to keep that momentum of ‘Thank Yous!’ rolling like pockets of air picking up all the good stuff and dumping it right in my path. The harder you search the more you find and I’m discovering that sharing my gratitude seems to heighten grateful intentions, meaning more energy is invested, meaning more grateful pills swallowed, meaning appreciation filling more pores… basically gratitude becoming my attitude.
When you’ve let fear run your life for as long as I have, finding things/thoughts/people/obstacles/fixed n’ broken ideas/tears/pain/dreams to be grateful for is the most natural way to help soften the ‘lets-find-things-to-be-scared-of’ voice that has chatted away for too long now. Everyday I am making conscious decisions to bring more love into my life, to appreciate my wholeness and power as a human. Gratitude is the warming, healing tonic I’ve been craving without even knowing it and I wanna ingest as much of that medicine as I can – well until my belly gets comfortably full anyway.
My gratitude post of the day is this… making this switch and lightening my social media weight, because it can get heavy. Minimal living, it’s a life saver :).
Many times I’ve doubted the strength I have to carry myself.
‘Am I enough or are broken pieces of me distributing weight unevenly?’
I wasn’t enough, or so I believed.
My knees ached as I dragged conflicting reasoning’s everywhere I travelled, not truly feeling safe anywhere. Mainly blaming environment or circumstance.
I’m claustrophobic because feeling confined within the dark space of my mind dampens my palms and revs up the heat, exhausting vitality. In the company of so many people I feel anonymous, I feel alone and my thoughts are deafeningly loud. Did I feel so unworthy that I never screamed, never vented any of my worries?
‘Fuck you life, Fuck you!’
I never did screamed, ever. I swallowed instead.
And anxiety grew, rooting deeply into my pelvic bone, unsettling every step I took.
The inhospitable me that I’d grown to accept, to misunderstand was the only reality I knew when I slept, when I roamed, when I sat to eat dinner at the kitchen table.
Safety in my shell, was this ever a possibility when attacks from within were so violently satisfying? Sharp blades of self-hatred pierced through my gut lining. I was a walking battlefield.
But not anymore…
I am fed up with fleeting doubts that poison my power.
So my shell is a little dented and scarred tissue decorates my flesh, so what?
I am unravelling restrictive bands from around my lungs, it is safe for me breathe as deeply as when I first arrived into this world.
Breathing life into the only home I’ll ever need to invest in
Investing in me
I am home.
Seeking breaks in double lines
When sense don’t seem to make some
Outward light from shining states
And rowdy hums from rumbling tum
What feels right and what feels wrong
Can’t tell apart what is, is what
Ain’t nothing what I thought I was
And tacky lips turn cold to hot
Double days they treat me as
As best it can, as can as is
Sensing made of crawling change
And flat-lines bubble up to fizz
How do I know what it’s like for anyone else?
I have no clue how others feel when thunder shakes their walls.
What advice can I hear but mine
Yes, others talk but what are they really saying?
We pour our heart into open palms
But non of us know how to keep another alive
Trials test my own abilities, its too heavy a load to carry another
How can I know how rain feels upon others skin?
Damp days are welcomed after summer but cursed during the frost.
Is this the case for you?
I’ll never know