Blind Faith

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Blind faith got me this far

I’ve no house to call mine

I’ve no children and I’m not struck by certainty when I think about wanting them

I’ve no partner to cradle, I’ve no arms of comfort and reassurance when I crave human, because we all crave human

I’ve absolutely no idea where I’m headed and where I’ve been is rather baffling too

Mostly, I feel like my 20’s were spent repairing the patchwork blanket I unravelled as a child, stitched by the incessant hands of others

Frightened moments feel like I’m sat in a pitch black room but fear is not of the dark, feeling more than feels comfortable and sensing without seeing, this is where true fear lives

Recently this fear seems to be subsiding as my awareness of this slippery existence grows so massive, so beyond the known. I’ve never felt so powerful as I do in this void, I have no choice but to surrender. There’s no prop, they were destroyed by the downpour of salt waters, and there have been plenty of downpours

All I feel is that which guides me

Graffiti obstructs once recognised signs

Not my art

Not my way anymore

When so much falls away so quickly, I’m raw to the elements. I’ve no shell, well not one I’m familiar with and this has scared the crap out of me

Still does

I look in the mirror and question ‘Who the hell are you, really?’

It’s my only job to find out, what other responsibility do I have

Rebuilding, it can feel so overwhelmingly impossible but when I say that word, Impossible, when those 4 syllables bounce from my tongue over and over, I loose all understanding of its meaning

A word, like yes and no and high and low, their meaning is nothing more than a belief, taught truths

Scripts once worshipped and meanings I now question, such misunderstandings leave me deserted. All I can do now is unapologetically feel, to sense and trust this new language I’ve still to learn.

I listen

My place is no longer to dictate who I am and where I’m headed. See, I believed to have that figured out years ago and now, I couldn’t be more detatched from imagined expectations

So I’m in the dark, listening

And keeping those blind faiths that brought me here, writing this

Faith is all I have

 

 

Fuse back

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There are broken days

When I don’t work so well

Nothing around me lights up

The moon is only a sphere behind polluted clouds

And the stars

Well they’ve buggered off to light up some bright young things universe

I look at my feet and I curse the miles they’ve travelled

‘You didn’t take me far enough!’

And my cuticles are bitten red raw

But hey, healed skin would give me nothing to pick or complain about

Then there are days when I make the decision to fuse myself back

Because it is a decision I have to make

When I pray to lost entries, extinct chapters, or so I had wished when I tore them from me

Come home, I plea

Because without you I forget what it means to love

I ripped from me pleasure when I feared the pain

Come back to me, please

I can’t be great without you

I want all the tears and frustration and angry spells

Sounds crazy, I know

But only then do I have the power to light up again

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And my feet are happy as my strides are less hesitant

And my cuticles are happy because they’re not bleeding

And I love

On those days when I fuse back

I love so much it hurts

Holes

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Your niceties

Match mine

They’re not yours

As mine are not owned by me

Hanging on your fathers wall are glass memories

They’re so fragile, as are his beliefs in you

And your belief in me

Sits wanting behind the mirror

Yet those holes

Not recognised but undeniable

Those holes to bathe burnt toes

Offer such comfort and shelter for exhaustion

And I’m exhausted by your niceties

And mine

Because all we’re meant to be through tampered eyes

I’m done

So let my fingers bind with yours

Within those darkened spots

Your holes

Allow my holes

To be

Generous

 

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Am I so generous?

Handing my power over

Now the property of others

Sometimes mostly

Often mainly

How kind I am to permanently loan

My power lives further than undecided boundaries

Because I dumped it

Somewhere on busy street corners

Lost amongst the bustle of unchartered souls

I just keep giving and giving

And giving

Yes, the odd occasion may arise when I collect

But someplace or somewhere or someone will own it again

Loosing a grip of myself has become a habit

Misunderstood patterns have become my absolutes

So what? I may feel a little disjointed

Sound may bounce off empty walls

Jarring such sensitive systems

And roots may loosen

They never sat firmly within familiar soils anyway

But I’ve not known myself other than this

Because the majority of me has been deposited elsewhere

Am I so generous?

One thing I know for sure

Time travel exists

Truth!

They say tomorrow is a new day but my days resemble those I’ve lived before

And I’m most certain that all I gave still lives in my pocket

Am I to be selfish?

To take one of two

I could sever the cord

Releasing my addictions to warped perceptions

Leaving behind what’s given

Or I retrieve

Inviting home shady grains I so willingly brushed off

Rewarding the return of all that I don’t want but need

Either way, I wait

I’ve waited not so patiently for others to bring me pieces of them

But what crap they gave me

So this generosity of mine

Misquote

Abandonment

Who the hell wants that?

So I’m keeping

My choice

My power

Product recall of all that belongs to me

Only I know how

But really, how?

I know, I know

Only I know how

Settled

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I’m not allowed to settle anywhere

Well technically I am

But I’m not

Because I never have

And because I never have it feels wrong

And if something feels wrong

Well I must be doing something wrong

And doing something wrong isn’t allowed

It makes me feel odd

And odd is wrong, right?

So I’m not allowed

Because that’s what I’ve told myself

And my rules are right

Just like my father taught me.