A Herb A Day

A herb a day

Keeps the doctor away

And calls in the witches

The white and the green

The rosemary sprig

The kiwi, the fig

All help keep me glowing

Through times hitting hard

The end of the tunnel

The light in my funnel

Isn’t further than reach

As we’re told it can be

And this delight I feel

I didn’t earn it nor steal

It’s a thought that I had

And decided to keep

When my health starts to tip

Herbal tea I do sip

And imagine my body

To be sparkly and well

Before Me Now

I wonder who I was before me, now?

What if I’d been a tree before I was a human

Or a decomposing leaf

Or I was the tree, the leaf, the rabbit that rummaged amongst the fallen leaves and the soil on the rabbits paw

What if I was the field that the rabbit dreamed of

Every blade of grass and dandelion

Or the roots of a weed

Or the bacteria that lives on the root

Or the worm that travels underground

What if I was the bird that ate the worm and so food that feeds her babies, could have been me too

Or the dirt in her nest or the twigs she collects

What if I was the shell on the beach that breaks when stepped on or the blood that trickles into the sand

Or the sand itself or the seabed

Or the crab or the jellyfish

Or the seaweed that dances on the surface

Or the salt in the sea

What if I was the pepper ground to a powder

Or the potato cooked to perfection or the metal of the fork before it was moulded

What if I’d once lived in the intestine of a whale

Or a shark or even the creatures we now find in fossils

What if I’d once lived on a meteorite which plummeted to this planet

What id I’d been every colour of the galaxy

Or a spark in the big bang, present at the start of beginnings

And endings

Recycled over and over until I got to be here

What if I’m ancient and my soul is so old I’ll never remember exactly where I came from

Or know where I’m going

What if I grew out of nothing and thats where I’m headed

Or I’m the smallest of everything floating within the infinite of nothing

I wonder who I was before me, now?

 

No Longer Asking

 

Spirit, lead me someplace to find you

I ask them to make themselves heard

And make it bright, with flames I’ll see in the mist

I waited, for a day or two

Their response I’d so clearly plotted

To which I believed they’d ignored

I prayed to the moon

Clasped within a wishbone cage

“Am I to ask you instead?”

Sunk are my pleas as I notice nothing

So I tug at myself, limbs that entwine senses

I must find a place to curl into these wonders

Surely the fineness of these landscapes know something?

And with broken tissue, I fight on

Nothing came

But soreness, buried

How am I to know the order of this chaos?

The beginnings of inquisition, I cannot remember

But I do remember answers, logical

Yet still the questions poured

And deeper I clawed

But the crawling, it hurt

So I cry to the clouds

“You impersonal temptress!”

Enough is enough

I’m too tired for this precision

Instead, thank you and goodbye

For your love is swollen

And I’ve no time

Thinking time is all I have to waste

But darn it, it was me

Holding on for instruction

And I am bursting at the seams with knowing

Harnessing needs

Silencing birth pains

And thank god, spirit transcends suffocation

I asked for forgiveness, for the blaming and taming

But not before my cells resonate

With the unfolding of bestowed blessings

Mastery in motion

To see myself as that

In the dirt, with blood on my knees

And pimpled skin and bones that ache from dancing in the dark

Brilliance is what I am

I am the perceiver of every sign I need

And I’ll dance as one

With those I’d once requested reassurance

No longer asking

But thankful to know already.

 

I


Where did I place I, 

       the capital, the stamp?

The stem that propped success 

Where did I get lost? 

       as not looking so straight as before

And falling into stand,

       but cannot find the footprints 

            where heels were dug so deep.

Searching back to written as proper

But now

         we melt 

              or so it feels

As we 

    becoming

Once I was drawn in water,

           a line dividing fishes 

               now tides remember  

So I ask where is I?

           knowing already,

               but pray to forget. 

#40 Grateful for Dangerous Questions

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Yesterday in church the most incredible thing happened.

I just want to add here that it’s the second time I’ve been to church in over 10 years. Also, I know no-one at this church, I just followed this faint voice inside, I listened if you like to a whisper that guided me there and boy, did yesterday prove that whisper was right (whispers from God are becoming louder and louder each day).

I didn’t plan to sit near the front, it just happened that way. I went with my mum and we were discussing the view (like we were at the cinema) and jumped seat to seat until we found ourselves a few seats from the front.

“This will do” she said. I was thinking, ‘holy wow this is way too close to the front! I don’t know if I’m comfortable here’. We stayed anyway.

As we stood to sing this incredible, unfathomable force reached someplace deep – if I had the words to describe I would but some experiences are beyond explanation. I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be an ‘easy’ service for me, the music was loud and beautiful and stirred up a bowl of uncomfortable emotions. All I can say is, holy spirit held my entire being and left me no place to escape. I panicked. I don’t like to feel confined, it’s the biggest trigger for my anxieties, the music was loud and LOTS of people surrounded me. Being so close to the front meant I couldn’t just slip away and having so many people behind me meant I couldn’t watch what people were doing. I guess this has been a control thing, watching people, thinking I know what they’re thinking by how they are behaving. I have felt like this has put me in the drivers seat, always thinking I’m one step ahead of everyone else. I am NEVER one step ahead, I know this now.

After the music stopped, we were asked to shake a persons hand we had never met before, this was easy for me as I’m new and know NO-ONE. The lady next to me turned and introduced herself. She’d been a member of the church community for 30 years and the first thing we spoke about was the music and how powerful it was. Then God gave me the permission I needed, she told me that spirit moves her most when she’s singing and is often moved to tears. The whole way through our short exchange of empowering words I could feel anxiety rise in me. Then as we listened to the readings, I truly believed I was about to pass out. I turned to my mum and said, “I’m going to faint”. She said we’d leave after the reading but as she said those words, something happened.

I heard God . He said, “No, you are here to heal, this is where it starts”.

To my mum I replied “I’m ok, we’ll stay”. Even though I wanted to run the hell outta there, I felt something greater holding my hand.

The pastor began to talk about the dangerous questions we often avoid asking ourselves, about our fears and how this limits the love of Jesus. I could feel every cell in my body resonate with these words. I have avoided searching deeply within, questioning the restrictions I bring about myself to prevent growth, to block from me the love of God – I have blocked out love and trust for such a long time. Always wanting to feel in control.

I wanted to faint, it was getting that difficult to process what I was feeling. I knew I had run from my faith for too long and now was the time to show up. I literally felt his presence behind me, ready to catch me should I fall.

Then I cried. The live band took to the stage, the music began and I cried like I’ve never cried in public before. My whole body trembled and tears streamed down my cheek. I felt His hand over my head, comforting and reassuring me this was exactly right, that I have all the permission in the world to feel, to feel the sorrowful pains I’ve felt as I’ve had my back turned for such a long time.

I cannot explain the release. The lady I had been speaking to handed me a tissue. No questions were asked as I could see others crying too. I could see that everyone in that church knew exactly what I was feeling as they’d been to that place too. I felt loved, I felt forgiven, I felt a lightness, like my heart was held in space beside the stars and the magic of creation. My heart was in the hands of God.

So, dangerous questions are not dangerous at all as they reveal so much about what we still hold onto to prevent unconditional love filling our hearts. Our anxieties and fears are revealed to us by God to show us where we’re holding back, where we’re not letting Him in. Where we don’t trust in his love. I have not trusted for such a long time and if I’m honest I’m scared shitless about happened. Surrendering to Jesus and God’s love is not something I had even contemplated before a few weeks ago. I now see that is the miracle, once we say “yes”, love flows more powerfully than ever experienced before and although my ego wants to question everything, my soul feels more alive and at home than ever before.

SURRENDER! (not so easy)

Ok, so I am held in the middle of confusion but I also know that I never want to turn my back on God again. I trust that all will be revealed, that God has always got my back.

Thank you for dangerous questions and the strength and courage to answer them as truthfully as I can. I am always learning and I trust the path will unravel, all I have to do is show up in love.

#39 Grateful for 40 Days of Reflection

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So, seeing as I’ve not even thought about lent for the past loads and loadsa years, I want to use the next 40 days to fast from something that really makes me think and pray and requires loving commitment – to break an old pattern that no longer serves me, God or anyone else.

I don’t eat sugar, I don’t drink coffee or alcohol and I’m rarely on social media these days (I can turn my phone off all day and not really notice). As a child, for lent I would give up chocolate but this felt like an empty act, I was doing it because… well just because and I rarely reflected on the meaning behind why. This year it’s different. I want to go deeper than material restrictions.

I’ve decided to fast from complaining – venting petty, disempowering words to others and to myself, about myself. No words of belittlement, no moaning, no ‘sorrowful’ words to dwell in ‘woe is me’. I do have a tendency to turn my thoughts to dissatisfaction, especially when things are not going as I planned – my separated-self wanting to take the wheel. This is going to take lots of surrender and prayer but I feel excited about the prospect of watching my words, noticing when these feelings of smallness and worry take over. I feel like I am only beginning this close relationship with God (even though I know he has been with me always) and although I feel stages are early, I know for a fact that God wants us to shine and words can be healing treasures or weapons to knock us down. I choose healing treasures! 🙂

With God in my heart, I have no need to complain. I have all I need, I am rich. When I remember this, life feels clear, there is clarity in my thoughts and I reach out to others. However, when words of discontent and lack fill my heart (often feeling before thoughts register that such words are not welcome), I shut down.

I Edge.God.Out.

This year I am letting God back in.