Where I Stand

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Where I stand I feel mighty, like the warrior of woodpeckers, the communicator of common fulfilment. I am a cell, coasting playfully inside violet veins. Our great mother teaches us well, her lungs spread to frame the sunlight from my eyes.

Where I stand, there is no place I cannot be. Joy, strapped upon the wings of migrating birds, gliding so closely to my understandings. I am all that I see and all that I see is all I hope to know one day.

Where I stand I see unity drawn in messy portraits. Collections on mass create landscapes I’ve come to call home. Who I wonder shall inherit these?

That house upon the hill, do you see it? Look further afield, in the distance. Behind the rattling windows and red bricks live little witches who watch over the trees and paint faces on the moon. Owls live in the wall and I hear them call forward the sunset.

Do you hear them too?

Where I stand I raise my chin towards the sun, my vision is guided by angel trails decorating the turquoise blanket above me. They are careful, like moths, to not get caught within the flames of hazel sight. I blink, once, twice, thrice. Such action is my hope to catch a shadow but they are too quick, too rapid for human consumption.

Where I stand I listen, hearing playground chatter behind my stare. Boisterous fists play notes I remember. Yet I am still, travelling without trampling the grass and beheading snowdrops I fail to see beneath my thoughts.

Only God hears me now.

Only God hears the poetry I read silently from post-it notes stuck on my bedroom wall. Where did she go, that girl ironing raw and honest words? Words written by busy fingers scrambling to decipher unknown certainties. Words I have come to live by and this I regret, like the slurring of existence during alcohol stained nights.

Where I stand, in that tiny second I see the enormity of effect. In that second a whole life is resurrected to only be forgotten as I’m distracted. The present moment beckons and I salute.

The bark of a dog calls me to walk on.

And now I am gone someplace new.

 

#38 Grateful for my Christian Roots (Home)

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Me, a Christian?

Me? No way

Me? Nope

Me? Not me

Going backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards and sideways and backwards, I’ve been having the above conversation with myself… a battle if you like for the past… wait for it… 20 years!

I’ve researched many religions, many philosophies over the space of 5 years. I’ve searched and I’ve read many texts, valuing greatly the time and opportunity to do so. I enjoy learning about different cultures and belief systems – how societies all over the world have varying beliefs in something greater than themselves. I guess during this process I was rediscovering my relationship with myself and my faith. It seems that the more I research the more I am led to where I came from, back to the unquestionable faith I had as a child, my Christian roots. As I turned my back on God and my faith, I turned my back on myself.

The previous week has been one of enlightenment if you like, a week of letting go to receive Gods love, listening without any restrictions or requests. I have opened myself fully and in doing so, I have come to feel empowered, discovering that when I invite God back into my life, I feel like I am home again (which is the most incredibly calming and settling sensation ever!)

Home is the best way to describe how I am feeling. The last time I felt like I was home was when I visited Texas in 2014. I am a London girl, born and bred. I’d never been to the US before yet when I stepped off the plane in Austin, Tx I felt a softness, like my soul had elevated to a place unknown to me – I felt like I was home. This has baffled me for some time, why there and not in the place I have known my whole life? Yet, opening my heart to God has given me the answer in a very fast and simplistic way. When I went to Texas I let go. I let my guard down as even the miracle of getting on the plane to America was an inspired action of courage, one I never thought I’d be able to carry out. I didn’t think too heavily about this at the time but I allowed myself to surrender all egotistical control. I felt like I was home because I believed. I believed in myself and as a consequence I shone brighter than I remembered I could. The whole holiday was full of miracles, I cannot even begin to explain how magic rippled through each moment. I offered no resistance to the unlimited power of spirit and I know for a fact I met angels, yes beautiful, soul-enriching Angels. Now I see that angels come into my life everyday, especially when invited 🙂 I can’t say the holiday went according to plan but that just accelerated surrender.

I’ve turned my back on light and Love for too long. I’ve dampened my own spirit and I’ve shut my heart to God. I am so grateful to be able to acknowledge this, I feel so blessed that Love has become my primary goal each and every day.

I am so grateful to feel like I’m home no matter where I am as God’s love is everywhere… LOVE is present, always. God Loves, God Loves more than our human minds could ever imagine possible and what greatness this inspires! Greatness beyond expectations.

 

#37 Grateful for the Holy Spirit

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I never thought I’d begin a blog post using the words ‘Holy Spirit’. I have associated the word ‘Holy’ with the traditional teachings of Catholicism, as this was the religion I was most familiar with growing up. I went to a Catholic school and to be honest, I was not happy. This was not because the schools foundations were built on Catholic teachings necessarily. I was often sent to see our school nun as I struggled with my mental health during GCSE years. She was kind but of no healing help as I could not resonate with the place she was preaching from. Saying Hail Mary over and over again and going to confession was not what I needed at this time, however I cannot fault her compassion and good intentions. Mental health in school is a difficult thing to address, no matter the schools principles.

Point is, in my early teenage years I completely severed my relationship with God, for various reasons – I have come to realise that the relationship we have with God is incredibly personal and layered.

I have resisted faith. I cannot find definite reasons why. Our experiences in life are so often beyond explanation. Maybe that’s the point. I have spent so long trying to intellectualise life. I’ve wanted meaning and understanding. I followed a path of further education to broaden my knowledge. This has not been a fruitless path, I believe we walk the road we are supposed to and I have certainly found expansion through shared ideas and expressions, I regret nothing. I value education immensely and feel blessed that I had the choice yet through all those years of learning, I was yearning – always striving forward, heading to the next, needing more and more but never feeling any peace.

It has only been in the past year, a year I have spent learning more about myself, getting to know me more intimately that faith has ignited again. I have meditated and prayed and found a beautiful bond between my mind, body and spirit. It seemed the deeper I swam into the depths of me, my faith in something greater than my individual self grew stronger. Faith was beginning to return, but on a level I have never experienced before.

My relationship with God begins again.

As with all relationships it takes commitment and love, plenty of love. I see God everywhere and when I let go of explanation, I see God in everyone. I cannot even describe the profound love I feel when I surrender to God, letting this incredible force of love into my heart. Maybe I don’t need words. Maybe all I need to do is feel and believe, not demanding proof. Signs have been streaming into my life since I was born, I see that now and I have resisted. I have resisted so much.

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I am tired of resisting. I am tired of judgements. I am tired of bitterness towards those who seem so content in their relationship with God. Once upon a time I would sneer at their beliefs in something greater than them, often belittling to make myself feel more superior. It’s freaking hard work being the ‘right’ party or the holder of hurtful judgements – like a gerbil on a wheel, it gets us no-where.

No longer do I invest energy in ‘seeing is believing’. I believe and then I see. I see beauty and joy and love in so many more places. Joy and pain no longer feels so fleetingly empty, as that is what I struggled with for so many years, feeling alienated and disconnected, no matter my external circumstances. Connection to the Holy Spirit has opened my eyes to possibilities and I feel so eternally grateful to be in this position of love and acceptance. The word Holy feels so incredibly sacred now, like love pulsating consistently through my field of existence, connecting me with all.

With ALL of my heart, I cannot wait to continue this closeness with myself and God. I cannot wait to open my heart even more as I have no doubt that this is only the beginning of something truly wonderful and delicious.