#34 Grateful For Fresh Perspectives

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I have been thinking a lot about the language I use. The words I have used for many, many years to describe uncomfortable feelings or circumstances have not been resonating as of late.

An example of this is anxiety. The word anxiety has many stale connotations attached. I that for me the past few years have been like a cheese of sadness and anxiety and depression all packed into one ball of wax and dumped into the chambers of my psyche. Well the cheese is beginning to smell and the chamber needs airing. I don’t want these stories to be my reality anymore – it’s not my reality, it actually feels ‘old’ to talk about how ‘hard’ things have been over the past few years as I know that each moment has been of great value – the faith and love I feel today is because of yesterday and the day before and the day before that etc :).

So I am now changing my vocabulary to suit the shift I have recently been experiencing. The term anxiety has now become an ‘influx of feeling’, influx for short. That is what it feels like, an influx of overwhelming sensations that ride my energy system for what feels like an eternity at the time but really only a minute or so. Once you attach yourself to the feeling it becomes harder to surrender, harder to release those expectations of repeat when faced with similar circumstances or emotional triggers. I know triggers must be recognised before any form of healing can take place but it’s important not to focus too much on how you have been feeling when you’re triggered but more on how you want to feel instead.

Also, the descriptive term of Panic Attack… nope, that has gotta change. Attack? There is no attack. My body is responding to assumptions that I am being attacked – panic is not attacking me. We panic because we think we’re in danger so our body is essentially helping us, doing exactly what it is programmed to do. This ‘panic attack’ is my body’s way of helping me to thrive. At all times, day and night, life want’s to survive. Out bodies heal, our breath calms, the body does what it can to keep us alive. Fight or flight is a part of being human yet when you hear the phrase ‘panic attack’ you think of an unsafe and distressing attack on the senses. Yes, the sensations are distressing but feeling unsafe is the one thing you don’t want to dwell on as the more unsafe you feel, the more our body want’s us to escape. The word influx works for this too as panic and anxiety kinda stand under the same umbrella, for me anyway.

I know this may sound like a small and insignificant step but truly, the language we use is imperative in our human experience. Each word has a frequency and if we keep using descriptions that ripple fear through our system then surly our body will never get a break. When the influx of feelings are turned up full volume then all we ever crave is quiet. We search for peace in places we believe will ease the tension when really we had the medicine all along, from the top of our head to the tips of our toes. It’s just a matter or switching perspectives. I don’t talk about this like it’s a light and easy switch to make, believe me the past few years has been an assortment of emotions, many constricting and uncomfortable but the more I begin to believe in myself, as a human being (and more than that, connected to something greater), the more I feel at peace being the woman I want to be (if I can visualise it then it’s who I am already).

Humans are incredibly powerful beings. Look at all that has been manifested, all that has been created in this physical world. All has stemmed from thought, some inspired some not so much but there is no denying that we can pretty much achieve anything should we put our minds to it.

It is the same with language and perspectives. Speak of how you want things to go, speak of new ideas and new interpretations. When our thoughts and our words align, the flow of possibility is endless. I am absolutely beginning to trust this process and am so grateful to be able to believe in the magic I am feeling right now.

Happy Monday and much love 🙂

p.s I have put a photo of my cat on this post because she has got allowing and living in the now down to a fine art! There is no need to describe anything in her world, she just lives and breathes her life. She sure is one of my greatest teachers.

#33 Grateful for Saturday Unravellings

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Today I feel inspired. I’ve been standing in what feels like a beam of light for the past few days and it’s feels delicious.  I am attributing this to tapping into energies of gratitude and love – letting my heart lead.

Thinking has taken a back seat and I’ve kinda surrendered into feelings, which is incredibly unusual for me as I have a tendency to tense my body in the illusion that I’m keeping control of my emotions. Of course when control comes from a place of fear it blocks any avenue of growth. Now my walls are down.

As today has been a calm, slow day. Slow in a unravelling kinda way. I wrote another gratitude list. Last year I read the book ‘Make Miracles in Forty Days’ by Melody Beattie. Her inspired idea is to write a list of gratitudes each day (in the morning as soon as you wake) and do this for forty days. She did this when she was going through a terrible time in life and as her levels of gratitude rose, her life began to flow more positively. Basically it helps you to feel good. She also shared her list with a friend each day, this gave the list more momentum. So I am taking a leaf out of her book and sharing my list.

  1. I am grateful for the watercolour set I found under my bed. I’ve had a load of art supplies under the bed for years. I almost gave away the watercolour set I own as I never thought I would use it but I had this feeling I should keep it, so I did. Well my premonition was right and now they are being put to good use. Adding colour to paper is the most satisfying thing. Even when you have no idea what you’re doing before you begin to paint (which is me 99% of the time) the outcome is always fun, even if the picture isn’t quite what you’d hoped for.
  2. I am grateful for lighter evenings. YES! I love the longer days of Spring and Summer. Just when I was thinking ‘oh man, this winter feels like it’s never ending’ I notice that it’s no longer getting dark at 4pm anymore. This makes me smile, a lot.
  3. I am grateful for warm socks. I love walking around bare foot but in the winter, this is not the cosiest option. I have a couple of pairs of extra warm socks and when the floor is cold and the air is chilly, putting on a pair of warm socks is like honey in tea.
  4. I am grateful for my meditation cushion. I have only gotten into using a cushion specially designed for meditation. I didn’t see the point of them before but now I spend most of my time sat on the floor, even when I’m working. The sturdy, buckwheat filled cushion has been medicine for my back.
  5. I am grateful for lemons. I LOVE a warm lemon tea in the morning. It’s become part of my wake up ritual and when I smell the freshly cut citrus scent, it sends my senses into a frenzy of ecstasy (I know that sounds extreme but boy, do I love lemons).
  6. I am grateful for the tulips in the vase on the cabinet. A dear friend of mine visited me yesterday and brought me some flowers. I feel so blessed as not only is it lovely to receive flowers unexpectedly, now whenever I look at them I think of her and how we laughed and connected over lunch and a hot chocolate. Beautiful times!
  7. I am grateful for my hemp yoga mat. It took me a while to get used to having less grip than the rubber one I previously owned but my whole body feels stronger because of my core having to strengthen in order to flow as I’d done before. Also, it’s better for my skin as the rubber was making my feet and arms itch (my skin obviously doesn’t like rubber!). It’s made with 100% natural materials… good for me and the environment 🙂
  8. I am grateful for Earl Grey tea. Yep, although I have given up coffee I still enjoy a little cup of caffeinated tea in Earl Grey form. Today’s was extra delicious for some reason, I’m not questioning the deliciousness 🙂
  9. I am grateful for chips. I don’t eat much fatty food, for the reason that it makes me feel crappy and tired. I seem to be craving fresh foods over processed these days anyway. However tonight is gonna be chips for dinner as it’s nice to enjoy a little of what you fancy.
  10. I am grateful for coconut oil. I don’t actually use it to cook, I use it on my skin and it seems to agree. Eating coconut makes me feel sick for some reason, I think it aggravates my stomach acid. I adore the smell though and the texture of the oil feels like luxury on my skin. Who doesn’t like a touch of luxury every now and again 🙂

Well that’s my ten for today. Life is FULL of magic and making miracles has become a priority for me. We all have a choice, we can decide we want to feel good or we don’t 🙂

Much love and magic to y’all!

#32 So Grateful I’m Making a List :)

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There’s always more to be grateful for, always more than one thing a day or one thing a week or even one thing a lifetime (not that I’d imagine any one person could only find one thing to be grateful for in their lifetime… that would be a rotten life).

This morning I woke up and the first thing I thought was ‘THANK YOU’. I think this most mornings, but this morning I felt the roots of my hair tingle and my toes wiggle with the delicious vibrations these words brought me. Thank you for the comfort of my bed, thank you for sleep (in general because it’s sleep that keeps me wanting to stay awake during the day :)), thank you for food in the fridge that will calm my hungry belly. There’s plenty to keep me smiling, even before I step out of bed. Now, not all mornings are like this but when I can stay flying high, I like to celebrate the feeling. The universe responds to the way we feel not what we say and as I’ve always been one to use lots of words to try and deceive myself and others what I was truly feeling, feeling great and not hiding it is now my No.1 treat.

So today I am writing a list, 10 things I am grateful for just because… well just because I want to.

  1. Grateful for brightly dressed visions :). I have a vivid imagination. Daydreaming used to get me into so much trouble at school but I can go about it, guilt free, It’s like watching a movie but I am in the directors chair. I love colour and to be able feel the vibrations of pink and green and yellow and purple, it lights up my eyes. I know this makes me sound like I’m tripping out but hey, I just feel like a rainbow today.
  2. Grateful for friendship. I spend more time with my dog than any human friends at the moment and he teaches me so much. Then I think about what I have learnt from all the friends I’ve had in my life. When I’ve been treated kindly by wonderful friends I learn how to keep my heart open. When I was treated not so kindly I understood what it means it feel strong, even though it felt like the world was against me at the time. I also see that we mirror each other so how others treat me is often a response to how I am treating myself. It’s ALL an unravelling, de-layering if ya like. Friendship helps me to find myself and discover what it means to be human.
  3. Grateful for Winter. It’s usually about this time of year I crave the spring but this year I am enjoying the pleasures of this chilly season. Nature is never in a hurry so this year I intend to follow in patient footsteps.
  4. Grateful for the building work happening to the house next door. I hate the sound of a drill, it pierces through me and I just want to escape it. When the whole house next door is being gutted, the sound of a drill is everyday SO I have had to get used to it. I’ve meditated through it, enjoyed yoga, I’ve written, I’ve painted and I’ve rested. So now I can manage how I feel through this sound and if I can manage my feelings around that, I am sure I can manage uncomfortable feelings elsewhere too.
  5. Grateful for my laptop. Technology has been getting on my nerves lately. I turned my phone off for a week and now I love shutting off from the hum of electrical waves. However, I realise it’s my attitude towards what is in my life that matters so getting frustrated at something that is just a ‘thing’ and has been influential is just silly. This laptop I’m using right now has allowed me to share poems and stories – that is priceless.
  6. Grateful for my feet. I can explore because of them 🙂
  7. Grateful for my occasional bloated tummy as I know my body is communicating, letting me know how certain foods and thoughts are effecting my whole system.
  8. Grateful for Tilly (the cat) who has just jumped on the table for a stroke and cuddle. She always reminds me that there’s always enough time for love and appreciation. She’s got enjoying the now down to a fine art.
  9. Grateful for white tea. I have recently discovered the delights of white tea. I have no idea of the health benefits but it feels cleansing as I drink it. It’s subtler than green tea, less bitter and I am trying to keep bitter tastes out of my diet at the moment. It seems to stir up the acid and excess acid is no good for anyone :).
  10. Grateful for allowing myself to feel good. I have spent the past two years feeling pretty sad and shitty and lost and undecided. It’s hasn’t been easy to just feel good without some negative thought creeping in. I lost the will to have fun, lightness was overshadowed by dark. Today I am grateful that feeling good happens, it’s happening more and more and with conscious effort to allow myself to love more… well more love seems to be entering my life and that feels good.

That is my list for today. It’s been fun writing it 🙂

Sending love to y’all… You are appreciated beyond words!

#31 Grateful for DAY(S) OF LOVE

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Ok, so everyday is a day for lovin’, a day for squeezin’, a day for hugging but today I can feel love in the air. Yep, it’s Valentines day and I can feel how much more people are thinking of the ones they love – like love is coasting collective thought, riding those limitless waves :).

Vibrations are buzzing and smiles are decorating the streets (this could just by state of mind imagining such scenarios but I have certainly witnessed more joy in strangers eyes, more than usual anyway). I may not be in a relationship with another being but I am certainly embracing the relationship I have with myself. I am evolving each day and becoming more aware of this expansion has been so deliciously invigorating. Something incredible happens when you begin to truly love who you are. No Bullshit, no pretence, just being you…. always becoming, always loved, always.

I love that word ‘becoming’. No one human has ever ‘arrived’ (well maybe a couple of Saints and Sages :)) as there is final terminal, just renewal, in one way or another. This idea of becoming allows me to forgive myself for all the mishaps and choices I once scolded myself for in the past. I was making choices I thought best at the time as I was and always will be ‘becoming’. We can only ever learn, there is no perfect answer or right way to go about things. We can only do what feels right, even if this doesn’t align with others wishes, we do what feels best for us. I have not always done what was best for me but I have learnt that I hurt myself and others more in making decisions based on the fear that I didn’t want to cause bother or upset (otherwise I might not be liked anymore). People will stay in your life and understand your reasons if they love you. Love connects us, not hazy decision making and cosy (untruthful) words.

Today I am lovin’ the shit out of myself. Magic is happening everyday, and I am noticing, really understanding the subtleties of love – allowing this power force to sail through me with less resistance. It’s not always an easy task to return to love, especially when we feel claustrophobic with responsibility or our hearts feel heavy from past trauma/pain or empathising with those around us as they ride difficult times. However, there is no stronger healing force than love and as Frankie Goes to Hollywood says ‘The power of love, a force from above, cleaning my soul… make love your goal’.

So breath in that force, it is everywhere! Today I am grateful for Love and the celebration of Love. I promise to say ‘I Love you’ to myself every single day. Just hearing those three  words, they make me smile, no matter the circumstances I find myself in.

Happy day of Love to y’all, may it carry through to tomorrow and the next day and the day after that :).

 

 

 

#30 Grateful for The Practice of Surrender

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When i first read about the act of surrender I couldn’t get my head around it.  Say if I’m having an argument and I surrender, surly I am giving my power away to the other person by saying ‘sure, you go ahead and do or say whatever it is you want to say or do and I’ll just surrender to whatever you want as I have read this to be a healthy thing to do’.

Firstly, I got the analogy totally wrong as I was lost in the meaning. I was still thinking about myself in relation to other people, thinking about my reaction to them and how my behaviour makes others behave. Letting reaction lead rather than personal action, it’s been a common misplacement of power my whole life and when I first began to understand the concept of ‘waking up’ or living life more consciously I realised just how much I have let the opinions of others guide personal steps.

Now surrender means something entirely different. It means to allow, to relax into the moment and not fight rising sensations. This has been one of the most valuable tools for healing. I have spent a very long time fighting myself. Getting frustrated at the present moment as I’d wanted things to be different. Always different. Like the moment was not quite as I’d wanted it to be. Of course, I now see that everything is exactly as it should be, I had manifested my thoughts perfectly as inside I was fighting. Fight within and without gives you more to fight about. It’s plain and simple, think something and you get more of it. Complain and you get more to moan about. Be dissatisfied and satisfaction doesn’t get a look in, no matter what comes your way, dissatisfaction will take centre stage

“Nope, this is not what I wanted!”

“What did you want?”

“I don’t know, but not this!”

It’s a vicious conversation but one that played over in my head like a badly scripted drama. However it’s never just in the head is it? Every thought, every visual, every feeling is a part of our whole self. Therefore, with each conflicting thought I was having a fist fight under the surface and some part of my body was feeling the brunt. Like I was turning my reality into a boxing match with no end to decide on a winner. Bash, here you go kidneys or thump, take that lower back. You catch my drift.

Surrender eases all this. It releases attachment and that is the medicine right there, letting go. Attachment is illusionary. There really is nothing outside of our being that can satisfy us more than all we are within. Even opinions are formed, usually from words spoken by others. Opinions can feel definite but more often than not opinions will change, they will morph over time and what you once thought to be the absolute truth can eventually feel like a lie. Attachments can be made to a new ideas until a ‘better’ one comes along, one that makes more sense in that moment, until another and then another. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have opinions, I know me too well to know I will continue to have opinions, plenty I’m sure. It’s the attachment that causes the conflict, that you’re right and others are wrong. That is what I am looking out for, the certainty and righteousness that attachment can bring.

To me, surrender is like the balm that moistens the skin before attachment buries into my pores. It has allowed me to observe myself in the moment rather than hold onto feelings and continue the story of ‘My entire being is this feeling I am feeling right now’. That was a crappy story and only had crappy endings. If a feeling arises, my best bet is to surrender to it. I don’t need to fight it as I know it won’t last. It doesn’t need a huge amount of energy invested as it is just that, energy – so therefore I’d be fighting my energy with my energy, investing a whole load of me into the destruction of me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a freaking hard practice. One that I am far from mastering but just making the decision to surrender has been soothing. “Oh yummy, I don’t need to fight anymore”.

Surrendering is not a loss of power. We gain as are able to process in a more calm and centred way, without letting conflict drain our life force (and it drains by the gallon!). To witness the process of being human rather than getting swept up in the drama and stories and confusion is precious. Even if I can only manage a few minutes a day, it’s a gift to myself. To remove tensions and limiting beliefs about who I am, this is what I know to be the best healing tonic. Today I feel incredibly grateful that I am able to practice surrender, to be able to let go of thoughts and habits that no longer serve me. I doubt they ever served me well in the first place. I am grateful for the peace surrender brings.

Most of all I am grateful for the journey, as I do feel like each minute is a journey back to me and it never gets boring as there are new discoveries, always.

#29 Grateful for My New Found Love of Art

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This no-phone week has been delicious, I almost want to turn if off permanently! I feel calmer, I feel less anxious and less afraid to experiment with my art (my newly discovered passion). On a side note, I would seriously recommend turning your phone off for longer than a day. Life will go on and people will find you should they need to. I don’t think we need to be so accessible all the time, we’re just made to think life won’t be full without it. It will… but that is just my opinion 🙂

Today I painted the above. I call it  I see. 

I have zero art experience, well apart from a GCSE in art (taken nearly 20 years ago!!), but I freaking LOVE to paint and draw. It has only been in the past few months that I bothered to pick up a paintbrush and I only started drawing because I wanted to create a visual to match my poems, to jazz ‘um up a little (obviously I didn’t think they were good enough on their own!).

I’m no master and to be honest, that isn’t my aim –  I won’t be trying to impress anyone with what I create, that’s for sure. Surely the personal benefits of self-expression are more important than how ‘accurate’ or ‘masterful’ the painting is.

Also, what I love about painting is seeing the results of your labour straight away. When I’m writing, it’s a slow process, or it feels slow anyway (especially the novel for obvious reasons). The page can become a blur of words, thoughts can seem scattered but when I paint, it seems to make more immediate sense (to me anyway).

I  feel so lucky that I am able to express myself in this way. In many ways. I truly believe that we find so much peace and healing when we get intimate with ourselves, to begin to understand our soul truth. Self-expression is a grounding practice. It centres us, keeps our hearts open to feel, no matter what feelings arise. Self-expression keeps us wild and alive and in touch with what it means to be human. I’m sure I have written something similar to this in previous posts, I guess it’s been an incredibly important healing tool for me. For a long time I became so obsessed with ‘being spiritual’ I forgot I AM SPIRITUAL, just by being alive. Painting leads me back to me, the real me, the me I am learning to love unconditionally. Honouring my creativity taps deeper into the universal force that dances inside of us all. I feel so strongly that my mental health has improved due to expressing myself, not worrying about what others may think of my work, just expressing who I am. I have noticed that being honest in my work has attracted more honesty into my life and this has been such a gift, one I didn’t even know I wanted.

Within, we have all the magic and pleasures of life. We are the holders of so much love and light (darkness too as without dark we have no understanding of light). We all have much to share and many talents just waiting to be explored.

Let’s get busy exploring 🙂

 

#28 Grateful for Being Able To Switch Off (for a week!)

 

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When I was doing theatre studies at school, we studied feminist theatre, which essentially introduced me to feminism and I guess you could say I’ve been a feminist ever since (I then went on to study feminist performance for my degree). I remember the term ‘The Personal is Political’ and it’s only been in the last year that I’ve realised just how much these words have driven my life. The decisions I make, on a daily basis effect the WHOLE system in one way or another.

So, I’m getting personal in my political activism. I’m going to turn my phone off for a week. No text messages, no phone calls, no social media, no nothing.

How is this political?

Seriously, our attachment to phones is kinda scary. On a personal level I check mine way more than I need to. It’s become a habit. An addiction, an addiction that is ruling my life, not me ruling it. So, I am going to try and go without it, to break this unhealthy cycle. An iPhone is not an organ, it doesn’t keep my alive. Political? The powers that be rely so heavily on our fixation with social media – it keeps us occupied, distracted and maintains a level of anxiety and fear. Plus Money is EVERYTHING and where is money? Technology. And what is money? Power.

Not only that but the natural resources being drained to keep this industry alive is astronomical. I wish I could sit here and write ‘I am giving up ALL forms of technology, forever!’ but alas, I am keeping my computer on as I use it to write, I’ll also stay on email. I’m seeing this as an experiment, to notice the small (or great) changes it brings to my life. I know we live in a time when technology seems to be the backbone of existence, and don’t get me wrong, technology has empowered so many and social media can connect in wonderful ways. I guess I just need to do this, for me, to break a habit that needs breaking, for my own sanity.

We are living in a time of excess – information overload and more hunger for power. This is effecting everything and everyone. How can we expect huge changes if we are not willing to change ourselves and patterns of behaviour. Change must come from within to then be mirrored externally.

I am so grateful to be in position where I can make this choice, that my job does not revolve around the phone – I am going to take full advantage of this while I can.

We can only do our bit. For now, turning my phone off for a week feels like the needed change, for me and our planet.

#27 Grateful for Riches

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Today I feel rich, abundant, up to my chin (and almost can’t move) in wealth because of… well many reasons but many reasons can be easily forgotten until the sky lights up to remind you that life is full of anything you want it to be full of.

This morning I asked for release. Just a few moments of release from my chatty thoughts, oh and also a reason to get out of bed and go running. This was my reason, the best reason a woman could hope for, the sunrise took my breath away and calmed me more than words ever could.

That is the definition of rich right? To be consumed in pleasure and joy and all things delicious.. well that was how I felt seeing the sunrise this morning and guess what, it’s free, every single day.

Blessed, blessed, blessed.

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#26 Grateful for Minimalism

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The past few weeks I’ve been hard on myself and the state of the world. The more I cradle into news feeds and environmental issues and animal neglect and… the general crisis we seem to be plummeting into, I just wanna cry. Brexit (Ahhhh) Trump (AHHHHHH)… I could list ALL the shit but I’m not gonna, you know the deal.

Anyway, last night, during my wallow I got into bed early, flipped open my laptop, logged into Netflix and headed to the documentaries.

“More ‘real life’ crisis, feed me more crisis”

I’d like to add here this post is headed someplace more upbeat, I promise.

Then I remembered my friend recommending the documentary ‘Minimalism: A documentary about the important things’. I pressed play and I got even more depressed during the first 20 minutes (btw it’s not a depressing documentary, it’s hopeful, I really recommend the watch, it sure inspired me).

Modern day consumption is insane! The rate at which we are filling our oceans and landfills with crap is just beyond belief. Hey there missy! (I address myself)… I buy stuff wrapped in plastic, I buy water in plastic bottles when I’m out and get thirsty. I have a mobile phone, I have a computer, I invest lots of my time on the world wide web, filling up on information I don’t need (mostly enjoy, sometimes not so much). I check my instagram everyday, and I’m blessed to have a huge choice of foods on my doorstep. When more is available, it’s hard to not want to take it.

A comment was made by… someone (a psychologist or scientist, one or the other) in this documentary about how things cannot go on the way they are, we’re in full destruction mode – of our health and our environment. Flash thought in that moment: 20 years. 20 years could be it. At this rate, we’ll be lucky to have an earth that can sustain us in 20 years time… once the CO2 levels rise and oxygen becomes more precious than diamonds, that will be it. 20 years! I know, it’s an extreme thought but we are living in extreme times. I freaked out.

20 fucking years!

I woke up thinking about it, I ate my breakfast thinking about it (even though I’m trying to be mindful when I eat, 20 years of life on earth is not something you can so easily put to one side as you crunch on puffed rice). What the hell is the point, of anything? I even said the words out loud.

“What’s the point, nothing matters!”

Light bulb – it ALL matters! We just don’t value matter anymore. If we don’t like it, if it doesn’t fit, we bin it and buy a new one. Disposable lifestyles R Us.

20 years? If I only had 20 years left on this earth, what would I do?

The calmest I’ve felt in very, very long time was when I thought about imminent death at the very moment I’d convinced myself we have 20 years left.

Shit, I got a lot of living to do.

And by living I mean loving and by loving I mean enjoying what I have and by enjoying what I have I mean enjoying this very moment, the now. I have sunrises to enjoy and wet grass to feel on my bare feet in the morning and animals to adore and people to connect with. So much living to do!

And what if it does turn around? We don’t know what the future has in store for us. All we can do is love what we’ve been given and boy, does the earth know how to share. We got mountains to explore (should that be something you wish to do) we got landscapes to paint, forests to walk through, oceans to sail, we got laughter to share and taste sensations to explode upon our tongues (from naturally grown natural foods). We got so much love to feel.

I gotta get loving!

I am going to get minimal too. I would love to be able to fit everything I own into a large bag, wouldn’t that be swell. It’s good to have goals. I am going to try with every fibre in my being to laugh more, to enjoy those moments that were once filled with ‘don’t enjoy this, panic instead as you know that feeling so well and it’s not safe to step outside comfort spots!’. I want to dance more, to smile more, to use my phone less (this is a big need I think) and to reduce my plastic consumption (a HUGE need)

Yea sure, some days are gonna be hard, some are going to be crap and grey and I might not want to even get out of bed on those days but as I may only have 20 years left, I don’t want to be miserable and hard on myself for too long. Besides, if everyone got minimal, well we might just have a good chance of beating my guess (based on unsubstantial evidence) of 20 years.

Cheers to loving the freebies of mother earth, she got us sorted, we just gotta show her some lovin’ and respect in return.

#25 Grateful for Close Ups

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When the mind goes a little…

CRAP

THINK PINK

THINK BRIGHT HEALING LIGHT

THINK OF A STRAIGHT LINE

IT’S GONE!

FUCK

I CAN’T

I CAN

NOPE, I REALLY CAN’T

I DID IT ONCE I CAN DO IT AGAIN

You catch my drift.

Such chatter rides my waves, mainly storming up when I’m outside, when my anxiety roars ‘you’re agoraphobic, you can’t go outside without a fight!’

Screw it, there’s no fight to be had anymore. I don’t want to fight myself!

I don’t want labels anymore either. I don’t want to call myself something that doesn’t sit comfortably with me… and today I decided to think of myself as calm, at peace, able to go outside without feeling ‘weak’ (I think I may eliminate ‘weak’ from my vocabulary. No one is weak, we all have boundaries in different areas of life and these boundaries can always be expanded, should we choose).

So today, as I woke feeling particularly empowered, I thought ‘I’ll take advantage of this calm’ and went out for a run, then for a walk, then for another walk with the dog. High flying these days, ey? 🙂

As I was out with the pooch, I felt the worry rise – of course it was going to, I’ve become so accustomed to ‘the fight’, worry wanted to play the rebelling game. What helps, what always helps is noticing nature. The birds, the grass, the muddy patches on the grass and the trees. The trees are medicine. I know I’ve said this before, over and over. Today, as my anxiety wanted to perform centre stage, I was distracted by falling head over heels in love with one particular tree – anxiety didn’t stand a chance.

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… And the close ups, oh boy. The colours, the textures, the light reflections, the rough and the smooth. Calm had come in the shape of a tree. Ask and you shall receive.

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Thank you for up close and personal. For beauty that is often overlooked as we worry or rush or think of our ‘to-do’ lists. NOW was (is always) full of natures miracles and what better way to spend our time, loving all that we are a part of, art by Gaia.