Yesterday

Where does my fear settle, in the replay?

Your lip bitten after creased sheets graced our morning rituals.

Your lip bitten

Bitten

Aggressions, agreed, accepted

Smiles creeping into hidden expressions, you sensed, you asked and heads tilt as we exchange permission.

Deep dwellings, so deep we fall to lands visited by no other, our souls swinging to familiar beats. We knew the score, had we met once before?

Am I fearless hoping that we had?

Yes, I was first to wrench the dagger but torn skin plagued us, blood poured the night we met. Mars tinted Moon and dirt tracks patiently waiting for our muddied boots. Graves were dug, twists and hurricane howls knew the way, tripping our step, tumbling effortlessly towards the full stop. We played our parts well, a deafening applaud awaited our bow as not one line forgotten. Never so easy to perfect such manipulations but damn, we were good.

Am I fearless doing nothing?

Bewildered in the vacuum of now, without you.

Breathing, only movement I can muster. A finger may flinch as my mind turns to tomorrow but God, please bring me yesterday.

Messy

I remember our bodies sweating like sea lions

Simmering under the southern heat

Both full of bar food and dark rum from the night before

You drank enough for the both of us

But then you always did

I remember amber stained fingers from your Marlboro reds

Pawing at me

Curves purring

Tenderness ripe

Your hand melting upon my swollen stomach

Comfort deadened your weight

I crawled under you

Towards the sunlight tickling my toes

To fill up again

On something

I remember you stirring

Emerging from the airless pit ploughed by drunken words

A promise of eternity uttered

Yet hours evaporated

Forgotten

And empty longings coated our lungs

Our mouths were dry

For we’d swallowed all we could give

I remember watching smoke escape you

That first cigarette of the day

Rousing euphoria

I was never able to awaken similar pleasures

You wouldn’t allow me to

I remember we never cleaned up

A sink full of midnight cravings

Half eaten pancakes from 4am proposals

“Ask me again in the morning”

Well morning came

And bitter coffee softened the beaten shadow

Clouds of knowing

Knowing the rain would fall

To disperse such words

Never to be heard again

I remember the permanent current

A chaos never ceasing

I remember falling deeply in love with our mess

Mirroring untamed gardens

Seeds sown by others to grow wild within

I remember your divinity

But I was numb

Bursting with an excess of salty tears

Smudging the ink as we wrote our story

I remember the ending

Waves crashing

Eroding the chalk my bones were now made of

My survival depended on it

I cleaned up.

You

The broken bones had set

Yet not healed.

The grazed knees

And darkened eyes,

You liked that about me.

You stirred the mud, the grit

With no filter

Dirt scattered.

The damp, it rose.

As the mould grew, you were there.

Am I to always clean up as you leave?

But it was there already

The ground was stained before we met

Before your claws hooked under my ribs.

The wood chipped

You held the axe

But I did not need you

I could destroy, all by myself

I’m strong like that.

As I howled

You howled too.

As I prayed to the moon

It was you who answered.

Broken

 

There’s no smile to fake

No branded pill I can hourly take

It is what it is, like the death of a star

The empty tank in a travelling car

Time, they say, it takes a lot

Gobbling moments, losing the plot

Fuck this

Fuck that

Wipe your feet on the welcome mat

Home? A place to dry these bones

To close the curtains and turn off my phone

My nails are bitten

The poems are written

What more can I do

But wait.