Sense

It may make no sense

No sense at all

But listen to this

As man of tall

Shall bend at the knees

As petals fall

And the breaking of day

Is best thought at night

To imagine to the sun

Most vivid in sight

And some days I’m weary

Some days I’m cold

Some days I’m young and others I’m old

Sense is the happen

No need for the why

As we’re born, we exist

And the end, we die.

Bless

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Bless the turns that I made wrong

And bless those right as well

For neither turned out how I’d hoped

Both led me straight to hell

I joke

At least I think I do

As hell can’t be all day

Yet hell can be when hell decides

Or do we have final say?

I’d hope to think we make that call

On how we rule our fate

So bless me on my choices made

And the paths I choose to take

#19 Grateful for (More) Confusions

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I pulled the above card three days ago. I’m pulling a card every three or four days to help me with my buddhist studies from the Tibetan Buddhist meditation deck and boy, is it making me think.

I feel it would be the ‘right’ thing for me to insert here… ‘I feel this so deeply. I wish nothing more than to be able to alleviate suffering. To reach lovingly not just to those we hear about on the news but the hidden cries that many shield from even their families. Those who are abused, mentally, physically and sexually behind closed doors. The depressed who carry on with their 9-5 as they’ve children to support and fear what they’d loose if they put their health first. The artist who hasn’t the confidence to support their creative endeavours and therefor represses expression (and believe themselves mad in the process).’

I feel like my whole heart should be invested in ‘extinguishing the pain of others’ and in the words above however, in total honesty, it isn’t.

This is not because I don’t care. I do care, I feel others pain so much so it can cripple me. I’ve done what I believed would help, like working for a charity, I’ve donated, I’ve given all the clothes I’ve ever owned to charity shops. Although I feel the pain of those around me I also know that there is absolutely nothing I can do to neutralise their suffering. I can only offer a soothing balm but it’s their choice to apply and only their skin can do the healing. I know this from my own experience. I spent many years in pain, secretly, with a smile on my face everyday but tears pouring the evening. There was absolutely nothing anyone could do. Support me, yes but to heal… that must come from the individual.

Also, there are many unintended consequences that can arise from wanting to help another. Our intensions can be drawn from a heartfelt place, yet what we see to be medicine, others may perceive as hell. When I was at my worst with anxiety, I know the actions of those close to me grew from love but often decisions they thought to be best, were in fact not. I knew what was right for me and I think as a society we want to fix others, to steer them in the direction we believe to be their healing path. Yet, each one of us has our own journey, our own speed we travel, our own differing energies to work though.

So how can I extinguish the pain of others? Yes, to be of service is a wonderful and priceless gift but can this extinguish pain, or just lighten the load?

I love this study, as I know questions drive discoveries. Discoveries that lead to new questions… oh how life is a long string of questions and this question I may need to sit with for longer. I know it has struck a cord as I felt the need to write about it. Often when things sit uncomfortably, there is a reason. What this reason is, I shall have to wait to discover.

 

 

 

 

Simple

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To the moon

Said the sun

‘Begin us some fun

Let such rules be heard

That all shall submerge

In the wild, to be free

Precariously

Doing all to survive

Roaming far and wide

Thinking they may control

How it works

But they don’t’.

Said the moon in return

‘But what should they learn?

If they stride too fast

What lessons will last

How will one reflect?

Acting circumspect

And driven by fear

Keeping hate too near

And they keep themselves going

But where do they go?’

A confident sun

Said ‘free will has begun!’

They’ll follow their call

Choosing big, choosing small

The truth will be theirs

And we’ll comfort their stares

As they pray for our voice

To guide their next choice

But deep down they know

Which way they’re to go

And they’ll do what is best

For their soul

To grow

‘Gosh’ the moon sighed

A worry reply

‘We’ve not thought this through

For what should we do?

If the soul of the meek

Should faintly speak

And reflection dies

As lies

They rise

And time drives a need

To travel with speed

From one place to another

To only discover

Dissatisfaction

And plan further action

To plough much more

Than they managed before!’

The sun scratched his head

‘Let’s try this instead

We work closely together

With land

And the weather

To us all may ponder

Their faith growing fonder

In what we create

To be loved’.

‘Agreed!’ said the moon

No moment too soon

When life

Gives life

All reasons to be.’

Knowing

Of knowing nothing I know more

than the nothing known before

And of nothing I can hold

Knowing nothing will unfold

And unknowing what is known

Knows theres nothing to be blown

Nothing comes

Nothing goes

Nothing up won’t stop the lows

So the nothing of unknown

Sees the knowing as a loan

And the nothing in unknowing is the comfort I am sewing

Into life I thought I knew

But I don’t.

What’s to Understand?

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I’d no say

On the day I was born

Stars aligned

Hand of design

Drew me faintly

And fire burned

As water churned

The mystical notion

Of understanding

What I ask

Am I to know?

Seeds I sow

Break below

And prickly heat

Scratches away

Play

And no sense

Only pretence

Guides the parade

Voices made

I hear

Loud and clear

What I’m to say

Gestures I may

Introduce

To fit in

To win

But the day I was born

I mourned

The release

Of all this shit

For all I am loaned

Is known

In the passing breeze

Stop Listening

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Tomorrow

I’m gonna stop listening

To this and that

To bull-shit chat

To no you don’t

For the lesser pays what the mighty won’t

I’ll cover my ears

As brooding fears

Stain bloody soils

And fuses boil

As secrets blurt

And saliva spurts

Upon the face

Of everyone

Tomorrow

I’m gonna stop listening

To pulling strings

That money brings

Such happiness

Silence our say!

The price to pay

Nothing comes free

Apparently

More death to fuel

The tool

That progress relies

And only denies

Our soul

Tomorrow

I’m gonna stop listening

To everyone.

 

#11 Grateful for New Moon Fog.

This morning the sun rose early – well it didn’t, we just put the clocks back an hour so us humans can sync with the sun and enjoy brighter mornings. Great, I can get out for run earlier… I’m not actually so pumped to run that I can’t wait to get out, it’s more that if I wake and it’s still dark, I wait until the sun rises and by that point I’ve talked myself out of going. So, this morning, the sun was up but the sky was as grey as grey can be. I couldn’t see three steps ahead of myself due to fog. It’s also halloween weekend and after passing a few houses with dead mannequins outside their doors, it was a spooky, grey, damp, chilly run.

This new moon has me feeling all hazy, my mind pretty much resembling the fog I ran through this morning. Isn’t it incredible how we’re faced with what we’re trying to run from and this morning it was like ‘you’re gonna run straight through what you’re avoiding!’ I’ve always kept my head down this time of year, there is something about the energy of late October, early November. Maybe it’s to do with the darkness of nights, and the entering into the cooler, more contracting days. The clouds appear lower and we wrap up to keep warm when all i want to do is shed, constantly. However, I know that I can’t keep shedding otherwise all I’d have to let go of is my own skin and bones. I run from everything and this time of year its harder to blank what I’m not wanting to face as the longer nights evoke hibernation mode and when in hibernation, mostly we have only ourselves for company and when we’ve ourselves for company, we’re faced with ourselves and.. well you get where I’m going with this. So the veil is thin, I am feeling prickly and during previous years I’ve fallen victim to the sting that injects deeply during in the month of Scorpio.

This year feels different. The only example I can give of this is during my run this morning. Striding through the thick fog obstructing the familiarity of surrounding streets, all I could do was notice what is often overlooked on clear, sunny days.

Hello spiderwebs!

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I believe that spiderwebs are the most beautiful pieces of art (I know they’re as natural to a spider as breath is to us but if only they knew how influential their gift was – but that’s the beauty of existence, non of us really know the significance we may hold in others lives). I was once terrified of spiders but since noticing the intricacy of their magnificent creations, I have turned full circle, admiring them so. This morning I was surrounded by dewy webs scattered everywhere. I went for a walk yesterday and noticed not one. Today, because of the fog they stood out like pieces of wonderland, luring me to magical understandings.

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Thing is, I can’t escape the fog, not in my mind or on the street. It just gets foggy sometimes – all part of the cycle that is life. What I can do is become aware of what stands out in the fog, those intricate, enchanted threads that can so easily disguise themselves as part of the scenery. Yet every part of the scenery is essential in making the scenery so fucking beautiful. I saw that this morning. What we see outside of ourselves is often a reflection from within. This new moon sure got me on my knees in total wonder of how beautiful all those ‘scary’ parts of me can be. I guess it just depends on the ever-changing weather conditions and how willing I am to appreciate the art that is me :).

#10 Grateful for Days Lived A Million Times Over

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Have you had one of those days when you feel like you’ve lived it a million times before and you’re lost in the routine?  Today was one of those days. I find routine kinda uncomfortable. I know we’re habitual creatures, we like to know the ways of things, to not dwell for too long in the unknown but I really find routine difficult. I’m not sure why, I’m sure I could look into my psychological profile and find a reason as to why this may be but at the moment, I’m trying to lesson my thinking and heighten my feeling. Today I was firmly cemented in the feeling of routine and that made me squirm.

So, in my attempts to feel not think, and for the first time in, well ever, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m not even gonna try and fight this’. So I didn’t. I just felt crappy and uncomfortable and did absolutely nothing to distract from feeling and asked no questions.

Then, with no reflection or forcing answers came a deep knowing, like I’d known all along (which I have but just ignored) that it ALL boils down to control. Routine ties me in, it binds me to whatever it is I’m to do regularly. This could be anything from taking a multivitamin everyday, to committing myself to a relationship. Everything becomes routine eventually and this sets an alarm of ‘I gotta get free from this because it’s beginning to control me, not me controlling it’.

But why do I have to control anything? I thought I had this all figured out over a year ago but news flash, I really don’t!

One thing I do know is this: I’ve never really found an outlet or understood how to process the amount of feelings that rummage around my mind minute by minute SO I have to find a way to control the way I’m feeling by controlling something outside of myself as I’ve often believed this to be the only thing I have control over. Logically I know this is BS, I know the reality I experience is a result of what I’m thinking so trying to control what’s outside of me is basically saying I’ve no control over what’s going on inside. It’s like I’ve lost all trust, in myself. I don’t feel like this everyday, but I am grateful when these feelings do rise as although it’s tough to sit in whatever comes up during those moments of ‘losing’ control, feelings that often arise during the routine of everyday, I know that each time I get to feel discomfort, it’s a new understanding that unfolds.

Life is hard sometimes but tough days squeeze doses of forgotten courage from frightened bones and this give us the sweet nectar to soothe and revive tired wounds.