We

I forgot the existence of you

We were lost

And I clung, structure kept me up but my legs ached and my fingers were burnt by the sun I painted blue

But in that, I remembered again

There you stood

The beautiful flesh of your feet

Soaked by the oil of olives

And jasmine creeped through your toes

Amber seeped from your pores

So firm in you was the essence I’m to love

And not because of command

Because all I had to do was remember

We met before time framed expansions

Before corners boxed our union, branding the blocks as real

Remember the sight we surrendered?

As we bowed, foreheads kissing the soil and eyes closed, resting

Together we rose, below the blossoming buds

We spread our roots to feed, I give back that which I received from you

And when I forgot this

My veins pulsed with such force, too rapid for the void

Too fast for death to settle

In death, there is no judgement

In death, the flesh surrenders to where home began

In death we are woven

Rising to the saviour

That is we.

Permission Slip

There’s not much you need to do

Just a little nod

Like a permission slip to the moon

Let her call home the cells of you, the fibres and the threads

With songs your cells remember

As you forgot such a long time ago, remember? For what cannot be pronounced is what we call nonsense

But she knows, and her work is effortless

So you see, there is little you can do

Her healing is effortless, like the simplistic complexity of breathing

All you need do is give a little nod, “ok, I’m ready now”

And let him join in too, let him wrap his arms around you

His hand is already clasped within yours, you’re just squeezing so tightly you feel only the weight of your own force

Be a permission slip to the son, the spirit, the mother who knows your every step

There really is little you have to do

Just nod

And this currency we call life will not only fill you, vibrate you, pleasure you

It will empty you of all those torn paper notes

That cut your fingers and toes and play a sad tune

This universe is never without chaos but sadness, we can burn the branches of sadness and scatter the ashes.

There’s not much you have to do except show up

With nothing

Expecting nothing

Saying nothing

Holding a permission slip that you know was probably never asked for in the first place

Is There?

Is there not this way inside

I can switch on like a TV

Is there a weed and a buttercup

Hidden deeply within me?

Is there not a song I’ve lost

Down trodden roads forgotten

Is there notes that weave away

The rocks at the very bottom

Is there not a deafening flow

Where grease is washed from my hair

Is there a me that is more than bones

And I witness both sides of the pair

Is there all of this and more

Cycled a million times through

These colours,

This dance

This patterned dream

This life I do how I do.

Remember

When I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling

and think of you

I remember those times you said we were through

or was that me?

memories blurred

yesterday was I fighting, my warrior stirred?

or was I laughing at jokes you told me

late at night when we should have been sleeping

but we weren’t

not knowing if the others eyes were open

never the words we yearned were spoken

remember the promise of road trips

and playing cards for cash?

when you said you’d teach me to swim

but alas

chlorine brings me out in a rash

“hey, who cares” you said

and we didn’t care, hot days brought naked bodies

fantasies soaring

sweat pouring

and leaky taps in the bathroom that annoyed the hell outta me

remember you saying “let it be”

let it be

I did

and we never managed to see it through

not doing those things we said we’d do

i’ll remember you the way I choose

not crying (like i did) “why the fuck did I lose!”

because really I lost nothing

i had so much to bring

and we showed up, the best we could

doing everything we believed we should

I remember the rainbow

I told you about it when you were there and I was here

when on the phone, remember I said “the rain on my face felt like the tear

I cried over you”

just the one

I lied

but the rainbow came and you hung up

a name in my inbox I decide to delete

I hope you remember me better

better than it felt we’d remember back then

even if you give me a two

I remember you now as a ten out of ten

 

 

#32 So Grateful I’m Making a List :)

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There’s always more to be grateful for, always more than one thing a day or one thing a week or even one thing a lifetime (not that I’d imagine any one person could only find one thing to be grateful for in their lifetime… that would be a rotten life).

This morning I woke up and the first thing I thought was ‘THANK YOU’. I think this most mornings, but this morning I felt the roots of my hair tingle and my toes wiggle with the delicious vibrations these words brought me. Thank you for the comfort of my bed, thank you for sleep (in general because it’s sleep that keeps me wanting to stay awake during the day :)), thank you for food in the fridge that will calm my hungry belly. There’s plenty to keep me smiling, even before I step out of bed. Now, not all mornings are like this but when I can stay flying high, I like to celebrate the feeling. The universe responds to the way we feel not what we say and as I’ve always been one to use lots of words to try and deceive myself and others what I was truly feeling, feeling great and not hiding it is now my No.1 treat.

So today I am writing a list, 10 things I am grateful for just because… well just because I want to.

  1. Grateful for brightly dressed visions :). I have a vivid imagination. Daydreaming used to get me into so much trouble at school but I can go about it, guilt free, It’s like watching a movie but I am in the directors chair. I love colour and to be able feel the vibrations of pink and green and yellow and purple, it lights up my eyes. I know this makes me sound like I’m tripping out but hey, I just feel like a rainbow today.
  2. Grateful for friendship. I spend more time with my dog than any human friends at the moment and he teaches me so much. Then I think about what I have learnt from all the friends I’ve had in my life. When I’ve been treated kindly by wonderful friends I learn how to keep my heart open. When I was treated not so kindly I understood what it means it feel strong, even though it felt like the world was against me at the time. I also see that we mirror each other so how others treat me is often a response to how I am treating myself. It’s ALL an unravelling, de-layering if ya like. Friendship helps me to find myself and discover what it means to be human.
  3. Grateful for Winter. It’s usually about this time of year I crave the spring but this year I am enjoying the pleasures of this chilly season. Nature is never in a hurry so this year I intend to follow in patient footsteps.
  4. Grateful for the building work happening to the house next door. I hate the sound of a drill, it pierces through me and I just want to escape it. When the whole house next door is being gutted, the sound of a drill is everyday SO I have had to get used to it. I’ve meditated through it, enjoyed yoga, I’ve written, I’ve painted and I’ve rested. So now I can manage how I feel through this sound and if I can manage my feelings around that, I am sure I can manage uncomfortable feelings elsewhere too.
  5. Grateful for my laptop. Technology has been getting on my nerves lately. I turned my phone off for a week and now I love shutting off from the hum of electrical waves. However, I realise it’s my attitude towards what is in my life that matters so getting frustrated at something that is just a ‘thing’ and has been influential is just silly. This laptop I’m using right now has allowed me to share poems and stories – that is priceless.
  6. Grateful for my feet. I can explore because of them 🙂
  7. Grateful for my occasional bloated tummy as I know my body is communicating, letting me know how certain foods and thoughts are effecting my whole system.
  8. Grateful for Tilly (the cat) who has just jumped on the table for a stroke and cuddle. She always reminds me that there’s always enough time for love and appreciation. She’s got enjoying the now down to a fine art.
  9. Grateful for white tea. I have recently discovered the delights of white tea. I have no idea of the health benefits but it feels cleansing as I drink it. It’s subtler than green tea, less bitter and I am trying to keep bitter tastes out of my diet at the moment. It seems to stir up the acid and excess acid is no good for anyone :).
  10. Grateful for allowing myself to feel good. I have spent the past two years feeling pretty sad and shitty and lost and undecided. It’s hasn’t been easy to just feel good without some negative thought creeping in. I lost the will to have fun, lightness was overshadowed by dark. Today I am grateful that feeling good happens, it’s happening more and more and with conscious effort to allow myself to love more… well more love seems to be entering my life and that feels good.

That is my list for today. It’s been fun writing it 🙂

Sending love to y’all… You are appreciated beyond words!

#31 Grateful for DAY(S) OF LOVE

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Ok, so everyday is a day for lovin’, a day for squeezin’, a day for hugging but today I can feel love in the air. Yep, it’s Valentines day and I can feel how much more people are thinking of the ones they love – like love is coasting collective thought, riding those limitless waves :).

Vibrations are buzzing and smiles are decorating the streets (this could just by state of mind imagining such scenarios but I have certainly witnessed more joy in strangers eyes, more than usual anyway). I may not be in a relationship with another being but I am certainly embracing the relationship I have with myself. I am evolving each day and becoming more aware of this expansion has been so deliciously invigorating. Something incredible happens when you begin to truly love who you are. No Bullshit, no pretence, just being you…. always becoming, always loved, always.

I love that word ‘becoming’. No one human has ever ‘arrived’ (well maybe a couple of Saints and Sages :)) as there is final terminal, just renewal, in one way or another. This idea of becoming allows me to forgive myself for all the mishaps and choices I once scolded myself for in the past. I was making choices I thought best at the time as I was and always will be ‘becoming’. We can only ever learn, there is no perfect answer or right way to go about things. We can only do what feels right, even if this doesn’t align with others wishes, we do what feels best for us. I have not always done what was best for me but I have learnt that I hurt myself and others more in making decisions based on the fear that I didn’t want to cause bother or upset (otherwise I might not be liked anymore). People will stay in your life and understand your reasons if they love you. Love connects us, not hazy decision making and cosy (untruthful) words.

Today I am lovin’ the shit out of myself. Magic is happening everyday, and I am noticing, really understanding the subtleties of love – allowing this power force to sail through me with less resistance. It’s not always an easy task to return to love, especially when we feel claustrophobic with responsibility or our hearts feel heavy from past trauma/pain or empathising with those around us as they ride difficult times. However, there is no stronger healing force than love and as Frankie Goes to Hollywood says ‘The power of love, a force from above, cleaning my soul… make love your goal’.

So breath in that force, it is everywhere! Today I am grateful for Love and the celebration of Love. I promise to say ‘I Love you’ to myself every single day. Just hearing those three  words, they make me smile, no matter the circumstances I find myself in.

Happy day of Love to y’all, may it carry through to tomorrow and the next day and the day after that :).