#34 Grateful For Fresh Perspectives

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I have been thinking a lot about the language I use. The words I have used for many, many years to describe uncomfortable feelings or circumstances have not been resonating as of late.

An example of this is anxiety. The word anxiety has many stale connotations attached. I that for me the past few years have been like a cheese of sadness and anxiety and depression all packed into one ball of wax and dumped into the chambers of my psyche. Well the cheese is beginning to smell and the chamber needs airing. I don’t want these stories to be my reality anymore – it’s not my reality, it actually feels ‘old’ to talk about how ‘hard’ things have been over the past few years as I know that each moment has been of great value – the faith and love I feel today is because of yesterday and the day before and the day before that etc :).

So I am now changing my vocabulary to suit the shift I have recently been experiencing. The term anxiety has now become an ‘influx of feeling’, influx for short. That is what it feels like, an influx of overwhelming sensations that ride my energy system for what feels like an eternity at the time but really only a minute or so. Once you attach yourself to the feeling it becomes harder to surrender, harder to release those expectations of repeat when faced with similar circumstances or emotional triggers. I know triggers must be recognised before any form of healing can take place but it’s important not to focus too much on how you have been feeling when you’re triggered but more on how you want to feel instead.

Also, the descriptive term of Panic Attack… nope, that has gotta change. Attack? There is no attack. My body is responding to assumptions that I am being attacked – panic is not attacking me. We panic because we think we’re in danger so our body is essentially helping us, doing exactly what it is programmed to do. This ‘panic attack’ is my body’s way of helping me to thrive. At all times, day and night, life want’s to survive. Out bodies heal, our breath calms, the body does what it can to keep us alive. Fight or flight is a part of being human yet when you hear the phrase ‘panic attack’ you think of an unsafe and distressing attack on the senses. Yes, the sensations are distressing but feeling unsafe is the one thing you don’t want to dwell on as the more unsafe you feel, the more our body want’s us to escape. The word influx works for this too as panic and anxiety kinda stand under the same umbrella, for me anyway.

I know this may sound like a small and insignificant step but truly, the language we use is imperative in our human experience. Each word has a frequency and if we keep using descriptions that ripple fear through our system then surly our body will never get a break. When the influx of feelings are turned up full volume then all we ever crave is quiet. We search for peace in places we believe will ease the tension when really we had the medicine all along, from the top of our head to the tips of our toes. It’s just a matter or switching perspectives. I don’t talk about this like it’s a light and easy switch to make, believe me the past few years has been an assortment of emotions, many constricting and uncomfortable but the more I begin to believe in myself, as a human being (and more than that, connected to something greater), the more I feel at peace being the woman I want to be (if I can visualise it then it’s who I am already).

Humans are incredibly powerful beings. Look at all that has been manifested, all that has been created in this physical world. All has stemmed from thought, some inspired some not so much but there is no denying that we can pretty much achieve anything should we put our minds to it.

It is the same with language and perspectives. Speak of how you want things to go, speak of new ideas and new interpretations. When our thoughts and our words align, the flow of possibility is endless. I am absolutely beginning to trust this process and am so grateful to be able to believe in the magic I am feeling right now.

Happy Monday and much love 🙂

p.s I have put a photo of my cat on this post because she has got allowing and living in the now down to a fine art! There is no need to describe anything in her world, she just lives and breathes her life. She sure is one of my greatest teachers.

Sortin’ Shit Out

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There’s some weird shit going on in my head

You hear that too?

And I ain’t yet through

It’s not always pretty

There’s more to come

I don’t yet think I’ve even begun

To know the depths

Of where I was

Those currents took me far because

I’d swear I’ve not been to places I see

Downing bitters and herbal tea

Making me shed before I was this

And when the hell will I vomit up bliss?

I’ve waited for centuries

Or longer still

To crumple to crap

‘Just pop in a pill’

It’ll help I’m told

Just do as they say

Oh boy, it got me fucked up that way

So this stuff I feel

I’ll shake it out

Cheers to the movers

Salute to the soothers

Draw me a circle of where I should be

And there I’ll shuffle, hesitantly

As I know this shit

I’ve mastered the (eye)

Fenced by a name

And found lenses to lie

I’ll be something special

I’ll always be that

Cos I’m freestyle dancing

Wearing Kraps hat

 

 

#32 So Grateful I’m Making a List :)

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There’s always more to be grateful for, always more than one thing a day or one thing a week or even one thing a lifetime (not that I’d imagine any one person could only find one thing to be grateful for in their lifetime… that would be a rotten life).

This morning I woke up and the first thing I thought was ‘THANK YOU’. I think this most mornings, but this morning I felt the roots of my hair tingle and my toes wiggle with the delicious vibrations these words brought me. Thank you for the comfort of my bed, thank you for sleep (in general because it’s sleep that keeps me wanting to stay awake during the day :)), thank you for food in the fridge that will calm my hungry belly. There’s plenty to keep me smiling, even before I step out of bed. Now, not all mornings are like this but when I can stay flying high, I like to celebrate the feeling. The universe responds to the way we feel not what we say and as I’ve always been one to use lots of words to try and deceive myself and others what I was truly feeling, feeling great and not hiding it is now my No.1 treat.

So today I am writing a list, 10 things I am grateful for just because… well just because I want to.

  1. Grateful for brightly dressed visions :). I have a vivid imagination. Daydreaming used to get me into so much trouble at school but I can go about it, guilt free, It’s like watching a movie but I am in the directors chair. I love colour and to be able feel the vibrations of pink and green and yellow and purple, it lights up my eyes. I know this makes me sound like I’m tripping out but hey, I just feel like a rainbow today.
  2. Grateful for friendship. I spend more time with my dog than any human friends at the moment and he teaches me so much. Then I think about what I have learnt from all the friends I’ve had in my life. When I’ve been treated kindly by wonderful friends I learn how to keep my heart open. When I was treated not so kindly I understood what it means it feel strong, even though it felt like the world was against me at the time. I also see that we mirror each other so how others treat me is often a response to how I am treating myself. It’s ALL an unravelling, de-layering if ya like. Friendship helps me to find myself and discover what it means to be human.
  3. Grateful for Winter. It’s usually about this time of year I crave the spring but this year I am enjoying the pleasures of this chilly season. Nature is never in a hurry so this year I intend to follow in patient footsteps.
  4. Grateful for the building work happening to the house next door. I hate the sound of a drill, it pierces through me and I just want to escape it. When the whole house next door is being gutted, the sound of a drill is everyday SO I have had to get used to it. I’ve meditated through it, enjoyed yoga, I’ve written, I’ve painted and I’ve rested. So now I can manage how I feel through this sound and if I can manage my feelings around that, I am sure I can manage uncomfortable feelings elsewhere too.
  5. Grateful for my laptop. Technology has been getting on my nerves lately. I turned my phone off for a week and now I love shutting off from the hum of electrical waves. However, I realise it’s my attitude towards what is in my life that matters so getting frustrated at something that is just a ‘thing’ and has been influential is just silly. This laptop I’m using right now has allowed me to share poems and stories – that is priceless.
  6. Grateful for my feet. I can explore because of them 🙂
  7. Grateful for my occasional bloated tummy as I know my body is communicating, letting me know how certain foods and thoughts are effecting my whole system.
  8. Grateful for Tilly (the cat) who has just jumped on the table for a stroke and cuddle. She always reminds me that there’s always enough time for love and appreciation. She’s got enjoying the now down to a fine art.
  9. Grateful for white tea. I have recently discovered the delights of white tea. I have no idea of the health benefits but it feels cleansing as I drink it. It’s subtler than green tea, less bitter and I am trying to keep bitter tastes out of my diet at the moment. It seems to stir up the acid and excess acid is no good for anyone :).
  10. Grateful for allowing myself to feel good. I have spent the past two years feeling pretty sad and shitty and lost and undecided. It’s hasn’t been easy to just feel good without some negative thought creeping in. I lost the will to have fun, lightness was overshadowed by dark. Today I am grateful that feeling good happens, it’s happening more and more and with conscious effort to allow myself to love more… well more love seems to be entering my life and that feels good.

That is my list for today. It’s been fun writing it 🙂

Sending love to y’all… You are appreciated beyond words!

#29 Grateful for My New Found Love of Art

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This no-phone week has been delicious, I almost want to turn if off permanently! I feel calmer, I feel less anxious and less afraid to experiment with my art (my newly discovered passion). On a side note, I would seriously recommend turning your phone off for longer than a day. Life will go on and people will find you should they need to. I don’t think we need to be so accessible all the time, we’re just made to think life won’t be full without it. It will… but that is just my opinion 🙂

Today I painted the above. I call it  I see. 

I have zero art experience, well apart from a GCSE in art (taken nearly 20 years ago!!), but I freaking LOVE to paint and draw. It has only been in the past few months that I bothered to pick up a paintbrush and I only started drawing because I wanted to create a visual to match my poems, to jazz ‘um up a little (obviously I didn’t think they were good enough on their own!).

I’m no master and to be honest, that isn’t my aim –  I won’t be trying to impress anyone with what I create, that’s for sure. Surely the personal benefits of self-expression are more important than how ‘accurate’ or ‘masterful’ the painting is.

Also, what I love about painting is seeing the results of your labour straight away. When I’m writing, it’s a slow process, or it feels slow anyway (especially the novel for obvious reasons). The page can become a blur of words, thoughts can seem scattered but when I paint, it seems to make more immediate sense (to me anyway).

I  feel so lucky that I am able to express myself in this way. In many ways. I truly believe that we find so much peace and healing when we get intimate with ourselves, to begin to understand our soul truth. Self-expression is a grounding practice. It centres us, keeps our hearts open to feel, no matter what feelings arise. Self-expression keeps us wild and alive and in touch with what it means to be human. I’m sure I have written something similar to this in previous posts, I guess it’s been an incredibly important healing tool for me. For a long time I became so obsessed with ‘being spiritual’ I forgot I AM SPIRITUAL, just by being alive. Painting leads me back to me, the real me, the me I am learning to love unconditionally. Honouring my creativity taps deeper into the universal force that dances inside of us all. I feel so strongly that my mental health has improved due to expressing myself, not worrying about what others may think of my work, just expressing who I am. I have noticed that being honest in my work has attracted more honesty into my life and this has been such a gift, one I didn’t even know I wanted.

Within, we have all the magic and pleasures of life. We are the holders of so much love and light (darkness too as without dark we have no understanding of light). We all have much to share and many talents just waiting to be explored.

Let’s get busy exploring 🙂

 

A little bit of Everything

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Nothings fixed

My toes wiggle

My breasts jiggle

If I sway my hips

From left to right

One of life’s delights

Is to ebb and flow

And no thought will stay

As laughter delays

The onslaught of crap

I give myself

For not fixing

Or medically mixing

To balance each second

With pleasure and pain

Counteracting the main

To numb

Splitting two from one

Bullshit!

When I feel, I feel

The rawness is real

And I’m moody

And fear

Sits comfortably at the wheel

Until love appeals

To my court of soul

And I relinquish control

Morphing again

As nothing is fixed

And I pull out my hair

As I hatefully stare

In the mirror

Face to face

Boiling distaste

As one second I’m rotten

But the next it’s forgotten

And I smile

For the all while

I’m a little bit of everything

All rolled into human

 

The Edge

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What if the edge

Where I stand so close

Was not as we put it

Madness

But a falling tree

So distantly

Is holding my hand

As cries for the land

To be left alone

Are ignored

And poured

Is silencing tar

Upon the tongue

Of ones

Uniting

What if the edge

Where humans wait

To contemplate

Decisions made

Settings laid

Went wrong in our eyes

Yet this denies

The truth

That follows

The wallows

The tears

Wading through fears

To learn

And return

To love

What if the edge

Such promises pledged

To myself I would stay

Ten steps away

From jumping

To shatter

What doesn’t matter

Yet falling would purge

The empty urge

To need more

To blame

To consciously shame

What if the edge

Was the state of it all

And we follow the call

To love

To agree

That one are we

And the edge

Is the line

Yours and mine

To notice the drop

And stop

The divide

That rips the inside

Of all the confused

Perfection infused

Beings we are

Travelling far

The star

Is the mighty in you

And together we do

More than believed

At the edge.

#12 Grateful for Moments of Madness

Moments of madness inject my thoughts with creative overflow. I am grateful for this. I am grateful when chaos settles, condensation moistens the air and all clears so I can notice the view.

Madness is seeing the world in a way that exceeds conservative imaginations, to look beyond the valley towards details of distant unknowns. To smoothly soar into realms thought crazy yet visited by millions before, where ancestors dwell to recognise their awakenings in us.

No human has gone without moments of madness. Yes, some may feel more deeply than others but art and literature and music thrives in minds hosting such diagnoses. We are all tales of mad happenings, we are all the duality of sanity and madness yet these words are only a consequence of human understandings, understandings that cannot begin to comprehend the magnitude of our expansive senses. We cannot hide from corners our ourselves so today I am grateful for knees cradled as I curl within dark spaces of myself. To know myself is not to fear myself. I no longer want to fear who I am.

Stop Listening

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Tomorrow

I’m gonna stop listening

To this and that

To bull-shit chat

To no you don’t

For the lesser pays what the mighty won’t

I’ll cover my ears

As brooding fears

Stain bloody soils

And fuses boil

As secrets blurt

And saliva spurts

Upon the face

Of everyone

Tomorrow

I’m gonna stop listening

To pulling strings

That money brings

Such happiness

Silence our say!

The price to pay

Nothing comes free

Apparently

More death to fuel

The tool

That progress relies

And only denies

Our soul

Tomorrow

I’m gonna stop listening

To everyone.

 

#10 Grateful for Days Lived A Million Times Over

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Have you had one of those days when you feel like you’ve lived it a million times before and you’re lost in the routine?  Today was one of those days. I find routine kinda uncomfortable. I know we’re habitual creatures, we like to know the ways of things, to not dwell for too long in the unknown but I really find routine difficult. I’m not sure why, I’m sure I could look into my psychological profile and find a reason as to why this may be but at the moment, I’m trying to lesson my thinking and heighten my feeling. Today I was firmly cemented in the feeling of routine and that made me squirm.

So, in my attempts to feel not think, and for the first time in, well ever, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m not even gonna try and fight this’. So I didn’t. I just felt crappy and uncomfortable and did absolutely nothing to distract from feeling and asked no questions.

Then, with no reflection or forcing answers came a deep knowing, like I’d known all along (which I have but just ignored) that it ALL boils down to control. Routine ties me in, it binds me to whatever it is I’m to do regularly. This could be anything from taking a multivitamin everyday, to committing myself to a relationship. Everything becomes routine eventually and this sets an alarm of ‘I gotta get free from this because it’s beginning to control me, not me controlling it’.

But why do I have to control anything? I thought I had this all figured out over a year ago but news flash, I really don’t!

One thing I do know is this: I’ve never really found an outlet or understood how to process the amount of feelings that rummage around my mind minute by minute SO I have to find a way to control the way I’m feeling by controlling something outside of myself as I’ve often believed this to be the only thing I have control over. Logically I know this is BS, I know the reality I experience is a result of what I’m thinking so trying to control what’s outside of me is basically saying I’ve no control over what’s going on inside. It’s like I’ve lost all trust, in myself. I don’t feel like this everyday, but I am grateful when these feelings do rise as although it’s tough to sit in whatever comes up during those moments of ‘losing’ control, feelings that often arise during the routine of everyday, I know that each time I get to feel discomfort, it’s a new understanding that unfolds.

Life is hard sometimes but tough days squeeze doses of forgotten courage from frightened bones and this give us the sweet nectar to soothe and revive tired wounds.

#7 Grateful for Claustrophobic Journeys

My nan is staying with us for a few weeks, she’s 90 and she’s incredible. She’s takes zero medication (apart from iron supplements but as an Aries like me, her iron levels are the first to deplete with stress) and she still does everything herself (the cleaning, the shopping, the cooking etc.) her energy levels are enviously high and she gets in and out of the car like an excited kid. So, as she’s with us and likes to be out and about, we headed out of the city to visit an old church (900 years to be exact) just to take a look around and soak in the local tranquility.

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On our way out to the country we went though a part of town that triggers a million of my anxiety feelers. I’ve always found the energy stagnant and unsettled. It’s very close to the first secondary school I attended but left due to bullying after a year. It was the go-to place for teenagers wanting to cause trouble or just ‘hang out’. Neither I wanted to do but both I tried as I was young and wanted to fit in. Needless to say, it didn’t last for long, the bullying started because I didn’t want to scare old ladies in the dark so ended up going to another school with better energy and a less intimidating environment. Today, again, this place triggered me. I am 34 yet still feel physically and mentally triggered by memories of feeling totally powerless and vulnerable. I am an avid believer in embracing fears to find understanding within them. If you just ignore, fears NEVER leave and manifest in ways that may appear un-related to the original stem but nonetheless they sprout from buried pains. Not always easy and can make you feel like you’d rather die than do it but today I had no choice other than to feel contracting feelings. Once the feelings rise, the words of encouragement in my head dim a little, all seems to lay low to let the influx of busy, anxious, low buzzing energies flow. The car was full, the dog was grumbling because he wanted to go to the toilet and the clouds above were low. All closed in.

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The car had to stop, to pull over, letting me open the door to breathe. To feel my feet on the ground and stare at fallen leaves and bare branches. It’s the only way to resume some colour, to slow down, to focus and breathe through the rise of thorny physical sensations. There is a positive to this experience, I didn’t want to go home, to curl up and beat myself up for ‘letting panic take over’. My colour returned, we carried on to the church, I walked into the field behind and smiled at the glorious powers that can whip us, beat us and heal us all at the same time.

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I am so grateful for this claustrophobia to rise within me today. I found a strength I knew I had but was afraid to tap into. I delighted in the outdoors and knew the air was my medicine. For an agoraphobic to feel that, well for me it’s pretty exciting stuff. I also recognised my trigger. I understood what was happening and why. I was able to smile at my reactions and tap myself on the back for being the human that I am. That was enough for me today, surrendering to the human I am. I don’t need to ‘change’, I just need to embrace every fleck of colour surrounding the pupil of my soul.