#36 Grateful for New Heights of Deliciousness (LoVe)

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The past few weeks have been precious. I know that everyday is precious but some days we remember more than others. Some days we feel so sad and crippled with worry and panic those moments stamp our reality, other days we feel such exhilarating heights, we’re giddy from the pure air we breath when revolving on our high vibrational discs of love.

I used to think this came about mainly when we feel love for another being. Considerations of love were always projected on how another could make me feel. I loved falling in love, I loved the idea of falling in love, I loved the energising energy I felt when I fell in love. Of course now I appreciate that all those incredible, life-enriching energies were coming from the depths of me, flowing through me because I was capable of enjoying such limitless pleasures. Meeting someone who mirrors these feelings creates magic but it is not because of another human that we light up – the light has to be there in the first place.

When I love on this level I understand the concept of unconditional as I am not waiting or requesting or hoping on external circumstances to brew such feelings. Conditions arise when we lean outside of ourselves to smooth over discomforts we feel, to smoother pain with complimentary words from another, which we hold onto for recognition. Recognising our own depths of emotion distills reliance on outside ‘realities’. We crave because we believe to be lacking. Lack does not exist within the laws of the universe and when we fully acknowledge the volts of power we have pulsating through our bodies, all day every day… well we sure don’t need anyone else to reaffirm this. We experience new heights of being alive, all on our own.

Today I am feeling new heights of love because I’m believing wholeheartedly that boundless love lives within me. I feel powerfully loving towards myself, towards life, towards others. It’s taken me a while to feel self-assured in these playful, positive emotions. I believed myself to be ‘darker’ than that. Maybe in a way I visualised myself as the struggling artist or the un-worthy human, struggling through heartbreak and bad luck. This was the narrative I’d constructed but it didn’t feel right. I felt crap and feeling crap is not why I want to be alive. I also didn’t want anyone to think I was blowing my own trumpet when love began to overtake upset. Once upon a time I would judge those expressing love, especially those revelling in the love they felt for themselves. I would snigger at those who achieved great things, those who believed in their abilities. I convinced myself that their external circumstances were more complimentary than mine in terms of achieving a state of love and happiness.

I am so grateful to be able to recognise my own connections to universal energy, to god, to pure energising love. I am so grateful that I can experience moments of clarity and unconditional love. Love is such an incredible force and it never runs away or hides, we just have tendencies to build defensive, self-deprecating beliefs preventing us from feeling… well feeling good 🙂

Maybe we are afraid of our own power as when we begin to understand the limitless love that vibrates so absolutely through the galaxy that is our physical body, suddenly all that we thought impossible begins to creep into very possible visions of our reality. “Can I really do this??”

“YES YOU CAN”

#30 Grateful for The Practice of Surrender

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When i first read about the act of surrender I couldn’t get my head around it.  Say if I’m having an argument and I surrender, surly I am giving my power away to the other person by saying ‘sure, you go ahead and do or say whatever it is you want to say or do and I’ll just surrender to whatever you want as I have read this to be a healthy thing to do’.

Firstly, I got the analogy totally wrong as I was lost in the meaning. I was still thinking about myself in relation to other people, thinking about my reaction to them and how my behaviour makes others behave. Letting reaction lead rather than personal action, it’s been a common misplacement of power my whole life and when I first began to understand the concept of ‘waking up’ or living life more consciously I realised just how much I have let the opinions of others guide personal steps.

Now surrender means something entirely different. It means to allow, to relax into the moment and not fight rising sensations. This has been one of the most valuable tools for healing. I have spent a very long time fighting myself. Getting frustrated at the present moment as I’d wanted things to be different. Always different. Like the moment was not quite as I’d wanted it to be. Of course, I now see that everything is exactly as it should be, I had manifested my thoughts perfectly as inside I was fighting. Fight within and without gives you more to fight about. It’s plain and simple, think something and you get more of it. Complain and you get more to moan about. Be dissatisfied and satisfaction doesn’t get a look in, no matter what comes your way, dissatisfaction will take centre stage

“Nope, this is not what I wanted!”

“What did you want?”

“I don’t know, but not this!”

It’s a vicious conversation but one that played over in my head like a badly scripted drama. However it’s never just in the head is it? Every thought, every visual, every feeling is a part of our whole self. Therefore, with each conflicting thought I was having a fist fight under the surface and some part of my body was feeling the brunt. Like I was turning my reality into a boxing match with no end to decide on a winner. Bash, here you go kidneys or thump, take that lower back. You catch my drift.

Surrender eases all this. It releases attachment and that is the medicine right there, letting go. Attachment is illusionary. There really is nothing outside of our being that can satisfy us more than all we are within. Even opinions are formed, usually from words spoken by others. Opinions can feel definite but more often than not opinions will change, they will morph over time and what you once thought to be the absolute truth can eventually feel like a lie. Attachments can be made to a new ideas until a ‘better’ one comes along, one that makes more sense in that moment, until another and then another. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have opinions, I know me too well to know I will continue to have opinions, plenty I’m sure. It’s the attachment that causes the conflict, that you’re right and others are wrong. That is what I am looking out for, the certainty and righteousness that attachment can bring.

To me, surrender is like the balm that moistens the skin before attachment buries into my pores. It has allowed me to observe myself in the moment rather than hold onto feelings and continue the story of ‘My entire being is this feeling I am feeling right now’. That was a crappy story and only had crappy endings. If a feeling arises, my best bet is to surrender to it. I don’t need to fight it as I know it won’t last. It doesn’t need a huge amount of energy invested as it is just that, energy – so therefore I’d be fighting my energy with my energy, investing a whole load of me into the destruction of me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a freaking hard practice. One that I am far from mastering but just making the decision to surrender has been soothing. “Oh yummy, I don’t need to fight anymore”.

Surrendering is not a loss of power. We gain as are able to process in a more calm and centred way, without letting conflict drain our life force (and it drains by the gallon!). To witness the process of being human rather than getting swept up in the drama and stories and confusion is precious. Even if I can only manage a few minutes a day, it’s a gift to myself. To remove tensions and limiting beliefs about who I am, this is what I know to be the best healing tonic. Today I feel incredibly grateful that I am able to practice surrender, to be able to let go of thoughts and habits that no longer serve me. I doubt they ever served me well in the first place. I am grateful for the peace surrender brings.

Most of all I am grateful for the journey, as I do feel like each minute is a journey back to me and it never gets boring as there are new discoveries, always.

No More Talk

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Soft notes

Damming the rush

Patient appreciation

Saves me

Yet still I  wait, hopeful

Forward thinking the expected

But the expected never comes

The train pulls in too late

Or early

Who knows, and will I care when timeless souls greet mine?

Scolding players, we’ve crossed paths

I’ve met many who know better

I’ve known better than many too

But common ground rests where really we know nothing at all

Warm intentions spoken aloud on cold mornings

Disappearing into the fog

So no more talk

To light up is the only way to see

Foraging my own seeds

Lost, yet full of purpose

This may be the most powerful way to live.

LoVe

The beauty in me

I decide to see

Depends on the winds

That coast

Since I can’t grasp the air

Nor solemnly swear

That I’ll feel this way

For the rest of the day

So I call on my heart

To draft me a chart

Of what to do

When I feel like shit

And low and behold

Such feelings unfold

Of love

And that is it

As not one little bit

Does the beauty in me

Need more than to be

Feeling such feelings

Of love

Complicated

Maybe we over complicate things

When all we need to know

Is do we choose to say yes

Or do we reply with a no

See we could be in-between

But really we know what to say

And thinking about what we should be deciding

Can take up our whole precious day

And often our wholeness is drained

As power escapes from our toes

So you see it’s the conflict of knowing

That humours our crippling woes

#7 Grateful for Claustrophobic Journeys

My nan is staying with us for a few weeks, she’s 90 and she’s incredible. She’s takes zero medication (apart from iron supplements but as an Aries like me, her iron levels are the first to deplete with stress) and she still does everything herself (the cleaning, the shopping, the cooking etc.) her energy levels are enviously high and she gets in and out of the car like an excited kid. So, as she’s with us and likes to be out and about, we headed out of the city to visit an old church (900 years to be exact) just to take a look around and soak in the local tranquility.

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On our way out to the country we went though a part of town that triggers a million of my anxiety feelers. I’ve always found the energy stagnant and unsettled. It’s very close to the first secondary school I attended but left due to bullying after a year. It was the go-to place for teenagers wanting to cause trouble or just ‘hang out’. Neither I wanted to do but both I tried as I was young and wanted to fit in. Needless to say, it didn’t last for long, the bullying started because I didn’t want to scare old ladies in the dark so ended up going to another school with better energy and a less intimidating environment. Today, again, this place triggered me. I am 34 yet still feel physically and mentally triggered by memories of feeling totally powerless and vulnerable. I am an avid believer in embracing fears to find understanding within them. If you just ignore, fears NEVER leave and manifest in ways that may appear un-related to the original stem but nonetheless they sprout from buried pains. Not always easy and can make you feel like you’d rather die than do it but today I had no choice other than to feel contracting feelings. Once the feelings rise, the words of encouragement in my head dim a little, all seems to lay low to let the influx of busy, anxious, low buzzing energies flow. The car was full, the dog was grumbling because he wanted to go to the toilet and the clouds above were low. All closed in.

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The car had to stop, to pull over, letting me open the door to breathe. To feel my feet on the ground and stare at fallen leaves and bare branches. It’s the only way to resume some colour, to slow down, to focus and breathe through the rise of thorny physical sensations. There is a positive to this experience, I didn’t want to go home, to curl up and beat myself up for ‘letting panic take over’. My colour returned, we carried on to the church, I walked into the field behind and smiled at the glorious powers that can whip us, beat us and heal us all at the same time.

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I am so grateful for this claustrophobia to rise within me today. I found a strength I knew I had but was afraid to tap into. I delighted in the outdoors and knew the air was my medicine. For an agoraphobic to feel that, well for me it’s pretty exciting stuff. I also recognised my trigger. I understood what was happening and why. I was able to smile at my reactions and tap myself on the back for being the human that I am. That was enough for me today, surrendering to the human I am. I don’t need to ‘change’, I just need to embrace every fleck of colour surrounding the pupil of my soul.

#6 Grateful for Grip!

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Ok, so a little bit random but today I picked up a glass of water and thought ‘shit, how cool is it that I can hold stuff!’

And it really is!

How amazing is it that we can move stuff, touch things, pick things up and carry them around. We can hold something in our hands for hours, should we wish to carry whatever it is we’re holding for that amount of time.

We don’t think about it because we don’t need to I guess, it’s a given that the grip on our fingers and palms is strong enough to hold whatever it is we need/wish to hold (unless it’s super heavy.. or maybe you’re bionic and have super holding powers!). We can paint, draw, sculpt, write, build railways and planes and construct buildings – creating towns and cities. Seriously, theres a miracle happening everyday, each time we pick something up.

Man, I love my hands. They’re incredible. That is all.

Happy hand day to you.

 

#5 Grateful for magic Trees

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All trees are magic, fact. However, there are a few trees in my life which have been integral to the magic that has graced my life. I know, the word magic takes on many different interpretations but for me, when I say magic, I mean those moments when life feels perfect and light and beautiful and expansive. You know those moments, when you are so engrossed in something or you’re so calm that all worries melt away and those invisible wings we all knot so tightly to our back spread, leading us to where we’re supposed to be. Magic is so very vital and magic trees are my reminder.

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This tree lives in the next road from mine, it’s huge! Luckily it has a preservation order so no naughty developer can chop it down as the huge house who’s land it grows on has just been sold.  I’ve can’t remember walking past this tree without stopping, just to absorb its magnificence, and that is enough. Absorbing beauty is proving more healing to me than examining it. I think as our minds like to organise and connect through verbalisation or intellectual understandings we forget that what we see in nature has only the role to exist, as it is. It’s not here to be deciphered by humans (although I’m the first to be fascinated by learning how different life survives in their environment), different species exist to play their role in the complex entanglement that is life on earth.

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So this morning, I stopped and absorbed this magic tree. Magic because I’m lost within the absolute perfection that is. Each branch, each leaf, each line in the bark is perfect. If I can see perfection outside then surely I can find it inside too.

 

#4 Grateful for Silent Knowings

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There are days when all you need is for your cat to come into your room and sit on your work and purr until you stroke her and then get comfortable and not move for 20 minutes, not even when you leave to room to make a cup of tea. That day was today (every day really).

Animals are the best. They just know things, lots of things. Everything.

I have a dog and a cat and what I love about the relationship I have with each is the silent knowings we share. I’ve pretty much perfected the art of understanding my hound by the tilt of his head or his stare (there are many different stares wanting very different things). My cat reads my body language like no-one else. She knows when I’m about to get up from the chair before I’ve even made the decision to move. If I’m feeling a little low or weepy, she’s there like a flash, rubbing her head against my hand (then a little bite if she gets over excited).

I’ve been spending lots of time with the both of them recently and to be honest, speaking without words can feel more comfortable than human chat, less seems to be lost in translation and the response is truthful and immediate. Basically, if I don’t give them attention when they want it, no peace for me. When they’ve had enough of my affection, they go do their thing. No worries, no obligations. That’s what I love, no pretence, no bullshit conversation, no saying one thing but meaning another. Animals are the best and I am grateful for their presence every single day.

#3 Grateful for Bright Moon Mornings

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I woke at 6.50am and my first thoughts were (after my self-love prayer – that is essential morning pep-talk)  ‘how can I get out of going for a run’. I was the naughty school kid trying to play the ‘sick’ card to my PE teacher but the PE teacher was me and this morning, I wasn’t taking any shit.

I do that a lot. I think of something that could prevent me from doing what it is that I think I don’t want to do and low and behold, it manifests in some form of another. I’ve made myself pretty physically sick by wanting and asking, almost begging my body to ‘fall-apart’. Our minds are so fucking powerful.  When I think about when physical sickness has dominated my life, it’s been when I mentally believed I wasn’t strong enough, or worthy enough, or I didn’t want to commit myself to anything as I’d already failed before I began (in my mind, anyway).

I’ve been witnessing this behaviour and each day I try my best to override the ‘I can’t’ with ‘YES I CAN’. Of course if I’m having a really bad day I’m learning to not give myself such a hard time, beating myself up is what got my anxiety so fired up in the first place. This morning was a usual morning in the history of me and before I’d even put on my running gear, I was like ‘I’m too tired and my monthly cycle is due in a couple of days so my body won’t be as strong as usual’… but instead of agreeing with the story I’d just made up, I called Bullshit on myself.

I looked out of the window, saw the bright morning sky beyond the condensation on the window and smiled at the still visible full Moon. I swear she was whispering ‘go for that run you Moon goddess’. So I did, I went for the damn run and I enjoyed it. Yes, Ok I felt a little tired but I got out the house and I did it, for that I thank the crisp, beautiful morning and the power of that magic moon.