I never thought I’d begin a blog post using the words ‘Holy Spirit’. I have associated the word ‘Holy’ with the traditional teachings of Catholicism, as this was the religion I was most familiar with growing up. I went to a Catholic school and to be honest, I was not happy. This was not because the schools foundations were built on Catholic teachings necessarily. I was often sent to see our school nun as I struggled with my mental health during GCSE years. She was kind but of no healing help as I could not resonate with the place she was preaching from. Saying Hail Mary over and over again and going to confession was not what I needed at this time, however I cannot fault her compassion and good intentions. Mental health in school is a difficult thing to address, no matter the schools principles.
Point is, in my early teenage years I completely severed my relationship with God, for various reasons – I have come to realise that the relationship we have with God is incredibly personal and layered.
I have resisted faith. I cannot find definite reasons why. Our experiences in life are so often beyond explanation. Maybe that’s the point. I have spent so long trying to intellectualise life. I’ve wanted meaning and understanding. I followed a path of further education to broaden my knowledge. This has not been a fruitless path, I believe we walk the road we are supposed to and I have certainly found expansion through shared ideas and expressions, I regret nothing. I value education immensely and feel blessed that I had the choice yet through all those years of learning, I was yearning – always striving forward, heading to the next, needing more and more but never feeling any peace.
It has only been in the past year, a year I have spent learning more about myself, getting to know me more intimately that faith has ignited again. I have meditated and prayed and found a beautiful bond between my mind, body and spirit. It seemed the deeper I swam into the depths of me, my faith in something greater than my individual self grew stronger. Faith was beginning to return, but on a level I have never experienced before.
My relationship with God begins again.
As with all relationships it takes commitment and love, plenty of love. I see God everywhere and when I let go of explanation, I see God in everyone. I cannot even describe the profound love I feel when I surrender to God, letting this incredible force of love into my heart. Maybe I don’t need words. Maybe all I need to do is feel and believe, not demanding proof. Signs have been streaming into my life since I was born, I see that now and I have resisted. I have resisted so much.
I am tired of resisting. I am tired of judgements. I am tired of bitterness towards those who seem so content in their relationship with God. Once upon a time I would sneer at their beliefs in something greater than them, often belittling to make myself feel more superior. It’s freaking hard work being the ‘right’ party or the holder of hurtful judgements – like a gerbil on a wheel, it gets us no-where.
No longer do I invest energy in ‘seeing is believing’. I believe and then I see. I see beauty and joy and love in so many more places. Joy and pain no longer feels so fleetingly empty, as that is what I struggled with for so many years, feeling alienated and disconnected, no matter my external circumstances. Connection to the Holy Spirit has opened my eyes to possibilities and I feel so eternally grateful to be in this position of love and acceptance. The word Holy feels so incredibly sacred now, like love pulsating consistently through my field of existence, connecting me with all.
With ALL of my heart, I cannot wait to continue this closeness with myself and God. I cannot wait to open my heart even more as I have no doubt that this is only the beginning of something truly wonderful and delicious.
The past few weeks have been precious. I know that everyday is precious but some days we remember more than others. Some days we feel so sad and crippled with worry and panic those moments stamp our reality, other days we feel such exhilarating heights, we’re giddy from the pure air we breath when revolving on our high vibrational discs of love.
I used to think this came about mainly when we feel love for another being. Considerations of love were always projected on how another could make me feel. I loved falling in love, I loved the idea of falling in love, I loved the energising energy I felt when I fell in love. Of course now I appreciate that all those incredible, life-enriching energies were coming from the depths of me, flowing through me because I was capable of enjoying such limitless pleasures. Meeting someone who mirrors these feelings creates magic but it is not because of another human that we light up – the light has to be there in the first place.
When I love on this level I understand the concept of unconditional as I am not waiting or requesting or hoping on external circumstances to brew such feelings. Conditions arise when we lean outside of ourselves to smooth over discomforts we feel, to smoother pain with complimentary words from another, which we hold onto for recognition. Recognising our own depths of emotion distills reliance on outside ‘realities’. We crave because we believe to be lacking. Lack does not exist within the laws of the universe and when we fully acknowledge the volts of power we have pulsating through our bodies, all day every day… well we sure don’t need anyone else to reaffirm this. We experience new heights of being alive, all on our own.
Today I am feeling new heights of love because I’m believing wholeheartedly that boundless love lives within me. I feel powerfully loving towards myself, towards life, towards others. It’s taken me a while to feel self-assured in these playful, positive emotions. I believed myself to be ‘darker’ than that. Maybe in a way I visualised myself as the struggling artist or the un-worthy human, struggling through heartbreak and bad luck. This was the narrative I’d constructed but it didn’t feel right. I felt crap and feeling crap is not why I want to be alive. I also didn’t want anyone to think I was blowing my own trumpet when love began to overtake upset. Once upon a time I would judge those expressing love, especially those revelling in the love they felt for themselves. I would snigger at those who achieved great things, those who believed in their abilities. I convinced myself that their external circumstances were more complimentary than mine in terms of achieving a state of love and happiness.
I am so grateful to be able to recognise my own connections to universal energy, to god, to pure energising love. I am so grateful that I can experience moments of clarity and unconditional love. Love is such an incredible force and it never runs away or hides, we just have tendencies to build defensive, self-deprecating beliefs preventing us from feeling… well feeling good 🙂
Maybe we are afraid of our own power as when we begin to understand the limitless love that vibrates so absolutely through the galaxy that is our physical body, suddenly all that we thought impossible begins to creep into very possible visions of our reality. “Can I really do this??”
“YES YOU CAN”
Here comes another list 🙂
This gratitude list malarky sure does raise the vibrations to places of deliciousness. Thinking this way allows me to see miracles every where and every day. I can’t ask for more than that.
Happy Tuesday and much love!
I have been thinking a lot about the language I use. The words I have used for many, many years to describe uncomfortable feelings or circumstances have not been resonating as of late.
An example of this is anxiety. The word anxiety has many stale connotations attached. I that for me the past few years have been like a cheese of sadness and anxiety and depression all packed into one ball of wax and dumped into the chambers of my psyche. Well the cheese is beginning to smell and the chamber needs airing. I don’t want these stories to be my reality anymore – it’s not my reality, it actually feels ‘old’ to talk about how ‘hard’ things have been over the past few years as I know that each moment has been of great value – the faith and love I feel today is because of yesterday and the day before and the day before that etc :).
So I am now changing my vocabulary to suit the shift I have recently been experiencing. The term anxiety has now become an ‘influx of feeling’, influx for short. That is what it feels like, an influx of overwhelming sensations that ride my energy system for what feels like an eternity at the time but really only a minute or so. Once you attach yourself to the feeling it becomes harder to surrender, harder to release those expectations of repeat when faced with similar circumstances or emotional triggers. I know triggers must be recognised before any form of healing can take place but it’s important not to focus too much on how you have been feeling when you’re triggered but more on how you want to feel instead.
Also, the descriptive term of Panic Attack… nope, that has gotta change. Attack? There is no attack. My body is responding to assumptions that I am being attacked – panic is not attacking me. We panic because we think we’re in danger so our body is essentially helping us, doing exactly what it is programmed to do. This ‘panic attack’ is my body’s way of helping me to thrive. At all times, day and night, life want’s to survive. Out bodies heal, our breath calms, the body does what it can to keep us alive. Fight or flight is a part of being human yet when you hear the phrase ‘panic attack’ you think of an unsafe and distressing attack on the senses. Yes, the sensations are distressing but feeling unsafe is the one thing you don’t want to dwell on as the more unsafe you feel, the more our body want’s us to escape. The word influx works for this too as panic and anxiety kinda stand under the same umbrella, for me anyway.
I know this may sound like a small and insignificant step but truly, the language we use is imperative in our human experience. Each word has a frequency and if we keep using descriptions that ripple fear through our system then surly our body will never get a break. When the influx of feelings are turned up full volume then all we ever crave is quiet. We search for peace in places we believe will ease the tension when really we had the medicine all along, from the top of our head to the tips of our toes. It’s just a matter or switching perspectives. I don’t talk about this like it’s a light and easy switch to make, believe me the past few years has been an assortment of emotions, many constricting and uncomfortable but the more I begin to believe in myself, as a human being (and more than that, connected to something greater), the more I feel at peace being the woman I want to be (if I can visualise it then it’s who I am already).
Humans are incredibly powerful beings. Look at all that has been manifested, all that has been created in this physical world. All has stemmed from thought, some inspired some not so much but there is no denying that we can pretty much achieve anything should we put our minds to it.
It is the same with language and perspectives. Speak of how you want things to go, speak of new ideas and new interpretations. When our thoughts and our words align, the flow of possibility is endless. I am absolutely beginning to trust this process and am so grateful to be able to believe in the magic I am feeling right now.
Happy Monday and much love 🙂
p.s I have put a photo of my cat on this post because she has got allowing and living in the now down to a fine art! There is no need to describe anything in her world, she just lives and breathes her life. She sure is one of my greatest teachers.
Ok, so everyday is a day for lovin’, a day for squeezin’, a day for hugging but today I can feel love in the air. Yep, it’s Valentines day and I can feel how much more people are thinking of the ones they love – like love is coasting collective thought, riding those limitless waves :).
Vibrations are buzzing and smiles are decorating the streets (this could just by state of mind imagining such scenarios but I have certainly witnessed more joy in strangers eyes, more than usual anyway). I may not be in a relationship with another being but I am certainly embracing the relationship I have with myself. I am evolving each day and becoming more aware of this expansion has been so deliciously invigorating. Something incredible happens when you begin to truly love who you are. No Bullshit, no pretence, just being you…. always becoming, always loved, always.
I love that word ‘becoming’. No one human has ever ‘arrived’ (well maybe a couple of Saints and Sages :)) as there is final terminal, just renewal, in one way or another. This idea of becoming allows me to forgive myself for all the mishaps and choices I once scolded myself for in the past. I was making choices I thought best at the time as I was and always will be ‘becoming’. We can only ever learn, there is no perfect answer or right way to go about things. We can only do what feels right, even if this doesn’t align with others wishes, we do what feels best for us. I have not always done what was best for me but I have learnt that I hurt myself and others more in making decisions based on the fear that I didn’t want to cause bother or upset (otherwise I might not be liked anymore). People will stay in your life and understand your reasons if they love you. Love connects us, not hazy decision making and cosy (untruthful) words.
Today I am lovin’ the shit out of myself. Magic is happening everyday, and I am noticing, really understanding the subtleties of love – allowing this power force to sail through me with less resistance. It’s not always an easy task to return to love, especially when we feel claustrophobic with responsibility or our hearts feel heavy from past trauma/pain or empathising with those around us as they ride difficult times. However, there is no stronger healing force than love and as Frankie Goes to Hollywood says ‘The power of love, a force from above, cleaning my soul… make love your goal’.
So breath in that force, it is everywhere! Today I am grateful for Love and the celebration of Love. I promise to say ‘I Love you’ to myself every single day. Just hearing those three words, they make me smile, no matter the circumstances I find myself in.
Happy day of Love to y’all, may it carry through to tomorrow and the next day and the day after that :).
When i first read about the act of surrender I couldn’t get my head around it. Say if I’m having an argument and I surrender, surly I am giving my power away to the other person by saying ‘sure, you go ahead and do or say whatever it is you want to say or do and I’ll just surrender to whatever you want as I have read this to be a healthy thing to do’.
Firstly, I got the analogy totally wrong as I was lost in the meaning. I was still thinking about myself in relation to other people, thinking about my reaction to them and how my behaviour makes others behave. Letting reaction lead rather than personal action, it’s been a common misplacement of power my whole life and when I first began to understand the concept of ‘waking up’ or living life more consciously I realised just how much I have let the opinions of others guide personal steps.
Now surrender means something entirely different. It means to allow, to relax into the moment and not fight rising sensations. This has been one of the most valuable tools for healing. I have spent a very long time fighting myself. Getting frustrated at the present moment as I’d wanted things to be different. Always different. Like the moment was not quite as I’d wanted it to be. Of course, I now see that everything is exactly as it should be, I had manifested my thoughts perfectly as inside I was fighting. Fight within and without gives you more to fight about. It’s plain and simple, think something and you get more of it. Complain and you get more to moan about. Be dissatisfied and satisfaction doesn’t get a look in, no matter what comes your way, dissatisfaction will take centre stage
“Nope, this is not what I wanted!”
“What did you want?”
“I don’t know, but not this!”
It’s a vicious conversation but one that played over in my head like a badly scripted drama. However it’s never just in the head is it? Every thought, every visual, every feeling is a part of our whole self. Therefore, with each conflicting thought I was having a fist fight under the surface and some part of my body was feeling the brunt. Like I was turning my reality into a boxing match with no end to decide on a winner. Bash, here you go kidneys or thump, take that lower back. You catch my drift.
Surrender eases all this. It releases attachment and that is the medicine right there, letting go. Attachment is illusionary. There really is nothing outside of our being that can satisfy us more than all we are within. Even opinions are formed, usually from words spoken by others. Opinions can feel definite but more often than not opinions will change, they will morph over time and what you once thought to be the absolute truth can eventually feel like a lie. Attachments can be made to a new ideas until a ‘better’ one comes along, one that makes more sense in that moment, until another and then another. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have opinions, I know me too well to know I will continue to have opinions, plenty I’m sure. It’s the attachment that causes the conflict, that you’re right and others are wrong. That is what I am looking out for, the certainty and righteousness that attachment can bring.
To me, surrender is like the balm that moistens the skin before attachment buries into my pores. It has allowed me to observe myself in the moment rather than hold onto feelings and continue the story of ‘My entire being is this feeling I am feeling right now’. That was a crappy story and only had crappy endings. If a feeling arises, my best bet is to surrender to it. I don’t need to fight it as I know it won’t last. It doesn’t need a huge amount of energy invested as it is just that, energy – so therefore I’d be fighting my energy with my energy, investing a whole load of me into the destruction of me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a freaking hard practice. One that I am far from mastering but just making the decision to surrender has been soothing. “Oh yummy, I don’t need to fight anymore”.
Surrendering is not a loss of power. We gain as are able to process in a more calm and centred way, without letting conflict drain our life force (and it drains by the gallon!). To witness the process of being human rather than getting swept up in the drama and stories and confusion is precious. Even if I can only manage a few minutes a day, it’s a gift to myself. To remove tensions and limiting beliefs about who I am, this is what I know to be the best healing tonic. Today I feel incredibly grateful that I am able to practice surrender, to be able to let go of thoughts and habits that no longer serve me. I doubt they ever served me well in the first place. I am grateful for the peace surrender brings.
Most of all I am grateful for the journey, as I do feel like each minute is a journey back to me and it never gets boring as there are new discoveries, always.