#31 Grateful for DAY(S) OF LOVE

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Ok, so everyday is a day for lovin’, a day for squeezin’, a day for hugging but today I can feel love in the air. Yep, it’s Valentines day and I can feel how much more people are thinking of the ones they love – like love is coasting collective thought, riding those limitless waves :).

Vibrations are buzzing and smiles are decorating the streets (this could just by state of mind imagining such scenarios but I have certainly witnessed more joy in strangers eyes, more than usual anyway). I may not be in a relationship with another being but I am certainly embracing the relationship I have with myself. I am evolving each day and becoming more aware of this expansion has been so deliciously invigorating. Something incredible happens when you begin to truly love who you are. No Bullshit, no pretence, just being you…. always becoming, always loved, always.

I love that word ‘becoming’. No one human has ever ‘arrived’ (well maybe a couple of Saints and Sages :)) as there is final terminal, just renewal, in one way or another. This idea of becoming allows me to forgive myself for all the mishaps and choices I once scolded myself for in the past. I was making choices I thought best at the time as I was and always will be ‘becoming’. We can only ever learn, there is no perfect answer or right way to go about things. We can only do what feels right, even if this doesn’t align with others wishes, we do what feels best for us. I have not always done what was best for me but I have learnt that I hurt myself and others more in making decisions based on the fear that I didn’t want to cause bother or upset (otherwise I might not be liked anymore). People will stay in your life and understand your reasons if they love you. Love connects us, not hazy decision making and cosy (untruthful) words.

Today I am lovin’ the shit out of myself. Magic is happening everyday, and I am noticing, really understanding the subtleties of love – allowing this power force to sail through me with less resistance. It’s not always an easy task to return to love, especially when we feel claustrophobic with responsibility or our hearts feel heavy from past trauma/pain or empathising with those around us as they ride difficult times. However, there is no stronger healing force than love and as Frankie Goes to Hollywood says ‘The power of love, a force from above, cleaning my soul… make love your goal’.

So breath in that force, it is everywhere! Today I am grateful for Love and the celebration of Love. I promise to say ‘I Love you’ to myself every single day. Just hearing those three  words, they make me smile, no matter the circumstances I find myself in.

Happy day of Love to y’all, may it carry through to tomorrow and the next day and the day after that :).

 

 

 

#27 Grateful for Riches

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Today I feel rich, abundant, up to my chin (and almost can’t move) in wealth because of… well many reasons but many reasons can be easily forgotten until the sky lights up to remind you that life is full of anything you want it to be full of.

This morning I asked for release. Just a few moments of release from my chatty thoughts, oh and also a reason to get out of bed and go running. This was my reason, the best reason a woman could hope for, the sunrise took my breath away and calmed me more than words ever could.

That is the definition of rich right? To be consumed in pleasure and joy and all things delicious.. well that was how I felt seeing the sunrise this morning and guess what, it’s free, every single day.

Blessed, blessed, blessed.

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#26 Grateful for Minimalism

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The past few weeks I’ve been hard on myself and the state of the world. The more I cradle into news feeds and environmental issues and animal neglect and… the general crisis we seem to be plummeting into, I just wanna cry. Brexit (Ahhhh) Trump (AHHHHHH)… I could list ALL the shit but I’m not gonna, you know the deal.

Anyway, last night, during my wallow I got into bed early, flipped open my laptop, logged into Netflix and headed to the documentaries.

“More ‘real life’ crisis, feed me more crisis”

I’d like to add here this post is headed someplace more upbeat, I promise.

Then I remembered my friend recommending the documentary ‘Minimalism: A documentary about the important things’. I pressed play and I got even more depressed during the first 20 minutes (btw it’s not a depressing documentary, it’s hopeful, I really recommend the watch, it sure inspired me).

Modern day consumption is insane! The rate at which we are filling our oceans and landfills with crap is just beyond belief. Hey there missy! (I address myself)… I buy stuff wrapped in plastic, I buy water in plastic bottles when I’m out and get thirsty. I have a mobile phone, I have a computer, I invest lots of my time on the world wide web, filling up on information I don’t need (mostly enjoy, sometimes not so much). I check my instagram everyday, and I’m blessed to have a huge choice of foods on my doorstep. When more is available, it’s hard to not want to take it.

A comment was made by… someone (a psychologist or scientist, one or the other) in this documentary about how things cannot go on the way they are, we’re in full destruction mode – of our health and our environment. Flash thought in that moment: 20 years. 20 years could be it. At this rate, we’ll be lucky to have an earth that can sustain us in 20 years time… once the CO2 levels rise and oxygen becomes more precious than diamonds, that will be it. 20 years! I know, it’s an extreme thought but we are living in extreme times. I freaked out.

20 fucking years!

I woke up thinking about it, I ate my breakfast thinking about it (even though I’m trying to be mindful when I eat, 20 years of life on earth is not something you can so easily put to one side as you crunch on puffed rice). What the hell is the point, of anything? I even said the words out loud.

“What’s the point, nothing matters!”

Light bulb – it ALL matters! We just don’t value matter anymore. If we don’t like it, if it doesn’t fit, we bin it and buy a new one. Disposable lifestyles R Us.

20 years? If I only had 20 years left on this earth, what would I do?

The calmest I’ve felt in very, very long time was when I thought about imminent death at the very moment I’d convinced myself we have 20 years left.

Shit, I got a lot of living to do.

And by living I mean loving and by loving I mean enjoying what I have and by enjoying what I have I mean enjoying this very moment, the now. I have sunrises to enjoy and wet grass to feel on my bare feet in the morning and animals to adore and people to connect with. So much living to do!

And what if it does turn around? We don’t know what the future has in store for us. All we can do is love what we’ve been given and boy, does the earth know how to share. We got mountains to explore (should that be something you wish to do) we got landscapes to paint, forests to walk through, oceans to sail, we got laughter to share and taste sensations to explode upon our tongues (from naturally grown natural foods). We got so much love to feel.

I gotta get loving!

I am going to get minimal too. I would love to be able to fit everything I own into a large bag, wouldn’t that be swell. It’s good to have goals. I am going to try with every fibre in my being to laugh more, to enjoy those moments that were once filled with ‘don’t enjoy this, panic instead as you know that feeling so well and it’s not safe to step outside comfort spots!’. I want to dance more, to smile more, to use my phone less (this is a big need I think) and to reduce my plastic consumption (a HUGE need)

Yea sure, some days are gonna be hard, some are going to be crap and grey and I might not want to even get out of bed on those days but as I may only have 20 years left, I don’t want to be miserable and hard on myself for too long. Besides, if everyone got minimal, well we might just have a good chance of beating my guess (based on unsubstantial evidence) of 20 years.

Cheers to loving the freebies of mother earth, she got us sorted, we just gotta show her some lovin’ and respect in return.

#25 Grateful for Close Ups

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When the mind goes a little…

CRAP

THINK PINK

THINK BRIGHT HEALING LIGHT

THINK OF A STRAIGHT LINE

IT’S GONE!

FUCK

I CAN’T

I CAN

NOPE, I REALLY CAN’T

I DID IT ONCE I CAN DO IT AGAIN

You catch my drift.

Such chatter rides my waves, mainly storming up when I’m outside, when my anxiety roars ‘you’re agoraphobic, you can’t go outside without a fight!’

Screw it, there’s no fight to be had anymore. I don’t want to fight myself!

I don’t want labels anymore either. I don’t want to call myself something that doesn’t sit comfortably with me… and today I decided to think of myself as calm, at peace, able to go outside without feeling ‘weak’ (I think I may eliminate ‘weak’ from my vocabulary. No one is weak, we all have boundaries in different areas of life and these boundaries can always be expanded, should we choose).

So today, as I woke feeling particularly empowered, I thought ‘I’ll take advantage of this calm’ and went out for a run, then for a walk, then for another walk with the dog. High flying these days, ey? 🙂

As I was out with the pooch, I felt the worry rise – of course it was going to, I’ve become so accustomed to ‘the fight’, worry wanted to play the rebelling game. What helps, what always helps is noticing nature. The birds, the grass, the muddy patches on the grass and the trees. The trees are medicine. I know I’ve said this before, over and over. Today, as my anxiety wanted to perform centre stage, I was distracted by falling head over heels in love with one particular tree – anxiety didn’t stand a chance.

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… And the close ups, oh boy. The colours, the textures, the light reflections, the rough and the smooth. Calm had come in the shape of a tree. Ask and you shall receive.

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Thank you for up close and personal. For beauty that is often overlooked as we worry or rush or think of our ‘to-do’ lists. NOW was (is always) full of natures miracles and what better way to spend our time, loving all that we are a part of, art by Gaia.

 

#22 Grateful for Reiki

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I blamed reiki for the small (epic) breakdown I had last year. Hear me out, I know now it wasn’t the fault of reiki, reiki didn’t do anything other than uncover what was already there but I was angry at how reiki made me feel and I needed something to blame. Kundalini yoga got a thrashing too but that’s for another post.

I took my reiki training over the space of a year or so and I completed the final master course in january 2016. Then… WHACK… I had a breakdown. I haven’t practiced reiki since, not really. I may have participated in a distant healing group but as things got worse for me, I quit the meditations. I stopped doing anything that made me feel… more. I couldn’t cope with much so I thought if I quit all the ‘spiritual’ stuff, things might settle down. They didn’t and I don’t think you can quit being spiritual if that’s who you are (and we’re all spiritual beings, some just tap a little deeper than others). To cut a long story short, I have gotten back to my reiki meditations and it feels GOOD.

After I completed the course and decided to lay off the practice, I thought ‘great, what a fat waste of money’. Oh how wrong I was. It’s NEVER a waste of money to invest in your wellbeing and doing reiki did more for me than, at the time, I could ever have believe. Even when I was at my lowest, I knew I needed to get a whole loada old shit to the surface, to face it, to release it and I guess it was reiki that got the ball rolling.

Now, I realise time is just… well what is time? Time is only as we perceive it and at the time I completed the course, it wasn’t time for me to practice. Who knows, maybe that time is coming soon. All I know is that now I am enjoying the prospect of welcoming reiki back into my life.

I am grateful for the intuitive move to begin the training, even though I didn’t know anything about it. I am grateful that sometimes we don’t need to know at the ‘time’ why we do something as all will be revealed in ‘time’. I am grateful for the faith I have in the process. Now the process is deliciously soothing, as I invite the warm energy of reiki back into my body (not that I think it ever left).

Self care is SO vital. It’s like eating and exercise and all the stuff we do to keep ourselves feeling good. Reiki is now on my self-care regime, a regime I welcome with open arms.

#21 Grateful for 25,000 words

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Firstly, I want to own up to myself that when I began this gratitude diary, my intentions were to update every day for the next year. Ops, didn’t happen. I wanted to be all philosophical about it, I wanted each entry to ‘mean’ something. In the drawn out process of intellectualising everything, I haven’t kept to this commitment. It was an excuse, not a genuine reason. Day to day gratitudes do not need to be epic, life-changing revelations, they don’t need to actively shift my daily activities (but when they do it’s welcomed). Gratitude is the shift, to find reasons to be thankful and to notice beauty is the reward. Note to me: that’s all I have to say on the matter but remember to enjoy, not analyse and destroy.

This leads me onto my 25,000 into my novel… go me! I have to say, this is the most committed relationship I have ever been in. Seriously, this commitment to myself, to complete something that happens to take up more hours than I ever thought my concentration could handle, this is deep water for me.

I have shown very little commitment to myself in the past… forever. Ok, maybe not forever as I don’t know what forever feels like, lets say for a very long time, since I was a young adult at least. This commitment thing is not so easy to admit, as in the process I have shown little commitment to others. I have wanted freedom from myself, from my ways, my thoughts, my previous actions/reactions/circumstances. In my desperate attempts to detach from who I am as I wildly dream about the woman I think I should be, low and behold I have forgotten how to respect and commit to the woman who needs me this most, me. Also, the bitch of life is that all we say we don’t want, mysteriously (or not so mysteriously) appears, to piss us off even more. Yet it’s not really a bitch as what we think about, we invite into our lives. The words I don’t want is irrelevant, for thinking of what we lack, whatever it is we don’t want means we get… well basically we get more of the less. It’s simple yet why does this knowing slip so easily away when old habits creep back to snuggle into warm and familiar ‘crap me’ blankets.

‘This is who I am!’

Is it?

If something feels uncomfortable, if it’s a belief that doesn’t sit right, do we have to just accept it for who we are? Maybe we heard this pattern of thinking, or were told ‘this is just how it is’. We may have seen this played out in someone else’s life, believing it to be our truth too. Who knows, there are a million ways words and attitudes sneak into our psyche but we know when something doesn’t feel right. Blaming is pointless as no matter where it came from, the words/actions/attitudes are now within us and so it’s our responsibility to do something about it.

I didn’t even think about my attitude to commitment. It’s only as I sat this morning wondering why I feel a little isolated. Truth is, I have isolated myself. I have distanced myself from people, places, my dreams even as I didn’t have the will to commit. It was no good to think ‘I’ll make more of an effort with others’ as this soon subsides. The work is within and to grow is to nourish our own roots. There are many reasons why we self-sabotage and I know no-one who doesn’t hurt themselves by their own doing at times but to blame and get frustrated at our behaviours only gets us so far (no-where).

So I am committing to getting curious. I am committing to asking more questions but releasing the need for answers as mostly it is outside of our comprehension that we find understanding. Once the question is planted, the answer will grow.

This novel is so much more than the book itself, the process is like a magnet, drawing buried weights to the surface. Burying again doesn’t seem to be an option (damn it), like the soil is now full of new seeds, there’s no room for the old. I am committing myself to this book, for no other reason than to thrive within the relationship I am building with me, the words and all the medicine that soars in-between.

p.s. Yes, I have just written another ‘revelation’ gratitude entry but I am extending this commitment to my daily practice of giving thanks so tomorrow it could be an entry about warm socks or apple juice, who knows!

p.p.s. I am eternally grateful for warm socks and apple juice 🙂