Steady

I wonder if I was a cat in a past life

Staring at the birds

Lazing for hours

Except in this life I don’t pounce on prey

I devour those darting movements, those transparent beams fighting inside

And I’m too rapid as I eat

As they repeat

Again and again

I can see my habits reflected in distractions that carried me here

And are those distractions working?

This cycle, drawing up soils I’ve neglected for 35 years knows little of the answer

And these worms I found, would they have satisfied the cat I was

Would the seeds I planted grow into life that nourishes me and my babies

I shrug, as for now

Being the human I appear to be

Am hungry

Not because the soil isn’t fertile

But I’ve boxed time so neatly that no root had a chance to bed a home, to spread

I can be still for hours, like a lioness

But once I move

It’s violent

And I may have forgotten where I left my cubs

So for now I roam alone

Until I remember that the rain can find me better when I grow tall, steadily.

No life wants to hide away from the sun.

No Longer Asking

 

Spirit, lead me someplace to find you

I ask them to make themselves heard

And make it bright, with flames I’ll see in the mist

I waited, for a day or two

Their response I’d so clearly plotted

To which I believed they’d ignored

I prayed to the moon

Clasped within a wishbone cage

“Am I to ask you instead?”

Sunk are my pleas as I notice nothing

So I tug at myself, limbs that entwine senses

I must find a place to curl into these wonders

Surely the fineness of these landscapes know something?

And with broken tissue, I fight on

Nothing came

But soreness, buried

How am I to know the order of this chaos?

The beginnings of inquisition, I cannot remember

But I do remember answers, logical

Yet still the questions poured

And deeper I clawed

But the crawling, it hurt

So I cry to the clouds

“You impersonal temptress!”

Enough is enough

I’m too tired for this precision

Instead, thank you and goodbye

For your love is swollen

And I’ve no time

Thinking time is all I have to waste

But darn it, it was me

Holding on for instruction

And I am bursting at the seams with knowing

Harnessing needs

Silencing birth pains

And thank god, spirit transcends suffocation

I asked for forgiveness, for the blaming and taming

But not before my cells resonate

With the unfolding of bestowed blessings

Mastery in motion

To see myself as that

In the dirt, with blood on my knees

And pimpled skin and bones that ache from dancing in the dark

Brilliance is what I am

I am the perceiver of every sign I need

And I’ll dance as one

With those I’d once requested reassurance

No longer asking

But thankful to know already.

 

I


Where did I place I, 

       the capital, the stamp?

The stem that propped success 

Where did I get lost? 

       as not looking so straight as before

And falling into stand,

       but cannot find the footprints 

            where heels were dug so deep.

Searching back to written as proper

But now

         we melt 

              or so it feels

As we 

    becoming

Once I was drawn in water,

           a line dividing fishes 

               now tides remember  

So I ask where is I?

           knowing already,

               but pray to forget. 

Bury Me

Bury me where the brambles grow 

Sliced by unforgiving thorns

Let my tears crumble 

Like salt drops repelling the slugs

But let them come 

And leave silver trails across my breasts 

Whose majesty I’ve only imagined

Let me feel the break in my bones  

And scream as discs slip and roots wilt

So shallowly planted by frightened fingers 

I have known to ask of moulding discreetly, to feel common amongst the mass 

But my shedding mimics no other 

What comes up, too big to fit

And the dirt under my nails 

The dirt now choking my rusty cords

Feeds the hunger I feel, surpressing the swell

Full on words I’ve never spoken 

And they claw deeper into memories, ripened words sculpt outside of me 

Developed in your world  

But fallen in mine 

I am calling you, death of a stranger 

I’ve known what I’m allowed 

But forgot why I yearned for less 

For a naked me, stripped bare for saviours sake

I request that my core, sore and bruised, may rot

Welcomed back home

Please bury me where chunks can be bitten 

Where I can feel worthy enough to feed the worms 

And grow again, live again

Die, again 

Watching Her

Where I stand

Peering out from translucent panes

I see the tree, leaves turned golden at this time of year

Beyond the tree I see a house, their garden sharing our back fence

I’ve never known her name, the lady who lives there. Denting the grass with her bare feet early in the morning, hunched, not to be noticed.

And I see more houses next to hers, some with loft conversions and some with fancy glass conservatories

But further than that, I see nothing

So I wonder about life within four walls

Stains on the carpets and forgotten mugs hosting mould under the bed

Moth eaten silks and cheaply bought treasures held dear behind cupboard doors

Tidy sinks and bleach drenched bathtubs

Life thriving, shielded from judgements

Life dying, shielded from acknowledgment

Then I stop wondering and I’m called back to the tree. She is never timid

Sharing herself each day, no need to whisper secrets under the duvet

She stands naked with no apology

And I can see, never needing to apologise for noticing her beauty

Fallen

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I’ve been too afraid to breathe deeply

Sat, with my feet dangling over the edge, watching life catch their prey

What, do I imagine I will feel?

Afraid of the tears I’ve bottled and given away, with compliments

My sacred waters soothing another’s tired feet

Afraid of years I lost to the gambling sun, burning through the darkness with flames of inadequacy. It was not my place to cry, I am too dry for that pleasure.

Broken nails imbedded in my throat as I crawled my way up from the bottom

Always crawling to be seen. Visible is my head but my heart remained below the apple, too afraid to devour.

I remember the day I broke in the middle of the road, not able to catch a breath, too fast were thoughts of running far from sharp cartilage in my lungs.

How am I able to leave myself behind?

I’ve been too afraid to breathe deeply, as what rises may be the soil to root my soul back to my body, the mud to cleanse forgotten sores.

Craving

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I craved the wild roses, thorns combing my hair as I outran the river

I craved the beast outside my door, roaming for beetroot and rosemary

I craved the red rock, rough canvas smeared with silk like dust. Red clay dug from the belly to quench my skin and soften my thirst

I craved silver reflections, sea caught moons that dance below the surface at night

I craved violins at dawn, trumpets at tea and pianos to soundtrack sun-kissed skies before bedtime

I craved being led to the mountains, to breathe the air so close to purity as I can imagine

I craved wholeness, a fullness so ripe I could taste my own sweet juice

I craved standing in the storm, unafraid, watching the leaves surrender to grey horizons

I craved being fearless

I craved being fearless again and again

I craved because I remember. I remember being fearlessly built inside my mothers womb and the taste of letting go

I craved because I needed to remember

I remember

I remember the river that catches the rosemary and carries the beetroot and plays with the beasts and dances with the moonlight through red rock valleys, listening to sweet tunes played fearlessly by the lips that taste

I remember that all I have craved, all the delicious feelings of worth and discovery and abundant visions of life’s great loves have been closer to me than the end of my fingertips

I remember all the miracles that sculpted me, the love that built me from the inside out

I craved what I remembered to be holy and sacred and now that I remember, I am holy and sacred again.

 

 

Warrior (I)

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I don’t see a broken woman anymore

I’m not the wreck I thought myself before

Yes, I hold the crap I’ve kept

I greet the fears I’ve always met

My heart still aches from shrapnel wounds

Still blinded by those darn typhoons

I wonder still where time has flown

Why seeds of doubt have stubbornly grown

But life stirs up the shit I hid

Those frets, they’re living, not stains to rid

I’ll loosen grip through daily strains

Nor question tears that ease my pains

I’m not shattered glass upon the floor

I am not a broken woman anymore

Silent Symphonies

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I am charged

Silent symphonies have done their work

At first I could not hear the call

From trees piercing clouds

And majestic birds, defying time

Creatures so small, vibrating expressions

Their might within intentions

And all this I missed

As brick walls absorbed my nonsensical chatter

Who’s to say I was not once the weed

Or the heather thriving on northern cliffs

And how I crave the river

The wild current, danger signs keeping curiosity at bay

But danger lives in repetition

Doing over and over, feeling safe

And I know so well, rules funding rules

And lost maps to completion

Empty promises decorate flat screens

And square disrubting the cycle

But now I am charged

As so clearly I hear the wind chimes

And tides that smooth the sand

Far from where I stand yet close to breath

Yes, silent symphonies have done their work

Flooded by nothing came everything

And spirits, no longer filtered by a whisper

Asking me to lighten, to willingly shed

Bare strength from this life to next

Hurry not as those places I’ve yet to travel

Are places I know so well, home.