Fallen

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I’ve been too afraid to breathe deeply

Sat, with my feet dangling over the edge, watching life catch their prey

What, do I imagine I will feel?

Afraid of the tears I’ve bottled and given away, with compliments

My sacred waters soothing another’s tired feet

Afraid of years I lost to the gambling sun, burning through the darkness with flames of inadequacy. It was not my place to cry, I am too dry for that pleasure.

Broken nails imbedded in my throat as I crawled my way up from the bottom

Always crawling to be seen. Visible is my head but my heart remained below the apple, too afraid to devour.

I remember the day I broke in the middle of the road, not able to catch a breath, too fast were thoughts of running far from sharp cartilage in my lungs.

How am I able to leave myself behind?

I’ve been too afraid to breathe deeply, as what rises may be the soil to root my soul back to my body, the mud to cleanse forgotten sores.

#23 Grateful for Candlelight

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Since Christmas eve, each night we’ve eaten dinner by candlelight. This is not something of tradition in our household. We light the candles at christmas and then put them away at the beginning of January (usually only having lit them on christmas day) until next year. This year, we light the candles each night – a tradition I am now adopting, not just for christmas but through the winter months.

These dark evenings are feeling weighty at the moment. It’s always at this time of year I struggle with claustrophobia and agoraphobia, like grey skies wash over expansions and pull me in. The past week i’ve wanted to hibernate and not get out of bed until the sun comes up (I’m sure I’m not alone in that!). Yin energy is at it’s peak and as this month is in the astrological sign of Capricorn, a cardinal earth sign, this proves challenging and uncomfortable for a woman with no earth in her natal chart.

So light is medicine for me, and oh so heavily craved, plus there’s something about the naked flame that makes me feel alive. It’s like primal instincts know I’m made up of this, the heat and power emitted from one single flame is within me (although I haven’t been feeling very powerful of late). I know that this is the time of year to reflect, to go inward and find more of ourselves, some pieces beautiful, some not so beautiful. These past few days my agoraphobia has been on full blast and I’ve been wanting to hide away. To jump into a cave surrounded by moss or tall grass and just… well I don’t actually know what I’d do if such a situation should arise, I guess I’m just romanticising the wild life.

So candlelight has been such a precious gift the past week or so and I hope to keep this evening ritual burning 😉 The cycle of life needs winter and although the words ‘god, I hate winter’ have bounced off my tongue in the past, I know I need to reestablish the relationship I have with myself in the these darker months – we gotta love our own cycles after all and the feelings and emotions that arise are part of my whole being. Candlelight is keeping my enthusiasm alight ( 😉 ) and this year, some deep exploration is taking place, even if feels really crappy sometimes. I am grateful that I can enjoy these luxuries, that next to a warm and healing flame I am able to meditate, pray, do yoga and now eat with my family. Yes, tonight I am feeling mighty blessed.