Change Happens

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Ok, so I’m making some changes, some serious changes. These intentions to change have not grown overnight, it’s been two years of crying, aching, hibernating, facing a trauma that happened when I was 6, which I’ve not had the courage to face until now. It’s taken a breakdown, or as I like to think of it, a breakthrough for me to reach this point when I can begin to see the shifts happening in my life.

  1. De – Cluttering. I’ve decided to get rid of most of my material shit… and it really was that, useless shit. Again, this has taken time. I live with my folks in London, I am a 34 year old woman who moved back in with her parents when she was 31 and no longer am I ashamed of this fact. I moved back because –  well firstly, I came out of a 4-year relationship and needed a place to live. I was living with him, I worked with him and as a result, the breakup meant I lost pretty much everything, well except for the dog, he came to live with my family, lucky fella. Secondly, I’m broke. London is not a place to live comfortably when you’ve little funds and as a writer, beginning her career, I knew money was going to be tight for the next couple of years. Thirdly, as I mentioned above, I suffered a breakdown, mentally I was incapable of many things, including leaving the house and it’s pretty hard to function when you can’t even step over the Welcome mat without having a panic attack. It was pretty shitty, ok really shitty but honestly, I wouldn’t change one thing… through all the crap something miraculous happened, I changed in ways I’d never thought possible and I saw a strength in me that has blown me out of the water (muddy waters to be precise). So, de-cluttering, old shit had to go, it was time to invite space for new and that is where I’m at, letting go of what no longer serves me.
  2. Letting go of what no longer serves me. I know, that sounds like it’s a part of de-cluttering, especially as I wrote it above but putting a bag in the charity shop of material stuff is so much easier than knowing what mental habits are hurting me rather than assisting growth. Where do you even start with that? So, I know I don’t have the all the answers and everyone’s journey to their truth is different but I knew I had to make a few changes in daily habits. I’ve stopped watching the news – It doesn’t really inform me what’s going on in the world, it gives me a point of view and it’s so flipping negative! The media is so controlled now and I get so angry when I watched it, so I stopped. Big news has a way of filtering into social media anyway so I guess I’m still in the loop of international activity. Diet changes – so listening to my body rather than enforcing a change because I think it might add an extra few years onto my life, that has been key here. I don’t eat meat because I can’t put the flesh of an animal in my mouth. I don’t eat diary because I taste animal and that makes me feel sick. I don’t eat gluten because it makes me constipated and I don’t really drink alcohol as I don’t like the way if makes me feel. Having said that, I will have a glass of wine if I fancy one, I’ll drink a coffee if I want one (even though I recently wrote an article about giving up coffee, what can I say, I gave in) and I’ll eat a packet of salted crisps because I love them. Saying No – If I don’t want to do something, I say no. It sounds simple but it’s not always. I might not want to let people down or I think I should be doing something rather than what it is I want to. Stop using the word ‘should’ – should is a crap word. I should be feeling this or I should be doing that… nope, should makes you feel like you’re not doing enough or you’ve made the wrong choice even though the choice you made was right for you. ‘Should’ has to go.
  3. Trust. This is a big one, a work in progress. Trusting goes much further than lets say trust in a relationship (although that’s important), for me it’s a process of trusting the outcomes of life, of each moment, every event that happens. Knowing the result of a ‘problem’ or crisis will always be for your greater good, even if it feels like the world is falling down around you, it’s right, it’s perfect. Tough, I know.
  4. Facing fears. Massive!… and not done in day. I have grown up as a fearful person. Afraid of the dark, of spiders, of hurting myself and others, of what people might think, of disaster happening if I leave the house… blah blah blah… the list goes on. I respect these fears as some are still part of the story of me (for now) but I know that to feel truly alive, to live the life I want, I have to face them. I do acknowledge them, I accept them as part of my growth (fear can be our greatest teacher) but I will try my very best to no longer allow them to drive every decision I make. To think, is this decision out of fear or out of love. I once heard the quote ‘a life lived in fear is a life half lived’… oh how true that is.
  5. Loving myself, unconditionally. This is beautiful but really bloody hard. It’s only since I’ve been consciously pouring love into myself and my daily habits that I realise how little I loved who I am. I was hating on myself, every single day! This is changing and boy, are the differences noticeable. I am truly starting to believe that all we need to do in life is love ourselves, unconditionally and all the rest seems to fall into place. It’s a beautiful journey, not always easy but who wants easy anyway!
  6. Spiritual practice. It’s about finding one that works for you. At the very beginning of my spiritual adventure about 3 years ago (although we’re all spiritual beings, I guess my adventure started when I got curious) at first it was Law of Attraction, then Kundalini, then meditation, then vinyasa yoga, then Reiki, then Shamanic practices, then Ashtanga yoga… it’s a pretty long list. I’ve honed down since then, now I mainly practice Ashtanga yoga, meditation (I’m learning more about Buddhism) and I love learning about astrology, although more about our energetic make-up (birth charts) than predictions etc. Point it, spiritual practice is a long life affair and it’s been rocky to say the least but to have tools to calm, ground, stir up the shit when it needs to come out, to have ways to bring me closer to me has been invaluable. I feel blessed to have many teachings in my life.
  7. Hmmmm, i think that might be it, for now. There’s always more to discover, more journeys to go on but I really wanted to share the beginnings of what I feel is going to be an epic adventure. We all live such incredible lives, no matter what happens and I want to fill my life with as much love and happiness as I can. I believe we are ALL perfect in our own unique ways, and I going forward on this blog, I plan to share more of my adventures back to self, back to love.

Thank you for reading! From my heart to yours, sending so much love.

Happy Friday.

 

I’ve No Earth in my Astro Chart…

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I rarely feel grounded and have spent 85% of my time staring, thinking, pondering, observing, mystified by everyday magic (with little grounding, everything possesses an ethereal quality). I have lived life with my ‘head in the clouds’, a phrase I’ve become familiar with growing up. I’d rarely hear the questions I was supposed to answer during the majority of my education and the worlds I’ve created in my head (and boy, there’s been plenty of those) have felt 100% real.

I’m generally floating and that remaining 15% of me not staring into space has been spent trying to cement myself to ‘reality’ but often not my reality, the reality of another wanting me to fit with their perceptions of life. I’ve mainly dated men with tons of Earth in their astro charts so you can imagine how each relationship ended, pretty much the same way… ‘You’re a dreamer’, ‘come back to reality’.

Reality? Who’s reality? I have no freaking clue and I’m floating on a cloud of I-can’t-give-two-craps right now. Often when I’m fretting to figure shit out I just park everything, whatever I’m doing I stop, I’m still. I used to wait but waiting is anticipating, waiting for something and believing we know what may (or may not) be coming is, most of the time, wrong, as we can never really know. Although saying that, I do believe that deep down we know what’s best for our wellbeing, we just don’t often listen. So maybe ignore this paragraph, or don’t… it gets complicated this trying to fathom our existence when you’re using language that’s been constructed and all constructions have their boundaries.

I’ve been hiding away, spending the past year in hibernation. Everything got way too much and I broke. I didn’t really fit, or feel comfortable anywhere so I guess breaking myself up and scattering small pieces down different avenues felt like the only thing to do. Of course that only lasted so long until there was nothing left to give and my feet were well and truly off this earth and venturing someplace alien. Basically, if I didn’t retrieve those pieces back my body and soul (not that they’re separate but for explanations sake, we’ll count the one as two) was gonna pack up. Spiritually I was zapped and physically I was sick. I had no choice but to retreat from the world and focus entirely on healing.

The more I listened to my own language – less words, more feelings – the more I realised I don’t need to be anything other than who I am. I can’t anyway, it’s impossible. I am who I am. I’m not always bad, I’m not always good, I’m me. This is no easy lesson, somedays I want so much to be anyone other than me yet I realise that on those days I need to love ALL of me the most.

I am a dreamer and I love stories and as my imagination continues to roll, these stories ain’t going anywhere. I may as well write them out, even if no-one reads them, the imagination is always gonna play and everything is better out than in.

I also know I have to consciously anchor myself, I have to bring more weight into my core by feeling everything that’s going on inside, (plenty is going on, 24-7 as I’m sure it is for all!) to recognise and acknowledge, not dismiss or fight as I’d previously done before. Finding a spiritual practice has vital for me, yoga has helped me understand my uniqueness and totality, that no part of me is separate from another. Buddhist teachings are resonating so strongly too, although my understandings are still basic, as I’m only a beginner on this epic journey.

So that’s where I’m at now, still foraging a path that suits me, although what I believe suits me often changes in ways beyond my control. Maybe that’s the next lesson, don’t try and build the path, just follow the sound of the birds.

Who knows… who really knows anything?

 

 

 

 

 

Moving Mountains

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It’s really bloody hard accepting who I am, not just the ‘nice’ bits or the tight and tidy parts but the whole loose and dirty shebang.

I have a sneaky suspicion, a hope that maybe when I do reach acceptance, total and absolute acceptance, thoughts of impossible won’t crowd me anymore.

Maybe distance won’t exist because I’m everywhere I want to be.

Maybe I’ll be a light so powerful I can strike to sculpt mountains and carve crystals.

My skin might become translucent and inside I’m so bright I’ll attract the flies and the bees and inquisitive birds.

Possibly, I’ll invite time to dance within my golden core, getting lost in my rhythm and retiring early to bathe in my 24ct waters.

My tears could fill depleting oceans and quench thirsty soils and I could raise disillusioned spirits who crave to be seen.

Or maybe, just maybe I won’t be any of the above. I’ll just be me and that will be all I’ll ever need to be.

And in the certainty of accepting all of who I AM, no words of others or spiteful actions or sharp pains could move me to places of panic or self-harm.

And maybe, in me, I could shift the stubborn and the lost and the control freak and the judgement.

I could shift the immovable by accepting everything, just by being.

Because reaching the point of being means there’s no-one else I’d rather be apart from the woman I AM, me.

 

Choose Love

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To choose love was back up plan A.

Because love always saves the day, plays the hero and coats the dress in diamonds and pearls.

What can be easier than choosing love?

When boxed days rotate and high winds dissipate frantically built lodgings, I’ll call on love to rebuild.

When thorns creep up flesh and bones to choke the vein that feeds me, I’ll swallow love. Juicy, revitalising love. I’ll be replenished in an instant.

It was supposed to be that easy.

Love is warm and fuzzy and pleasurable and light.

Choose Love they said and all is coming. So, I chose love and yes, certainly all did come

And indeed, the eyes of change sneered upon routine, mocking until she got her way.

But to really choose love, all-out-no-going-back-love was the fucking hardest thing I’ve done and I cursed, not the days I’ve loved but the lifetime I haven’t.

I cried to the moon, to the stars, to any God who’ll listen ‘please make it stop’, but my choice, my choosing, what can anybody do?

Because choosing love shatters. Memories splinter and slice up your eyes, sharp tears are going to sting like nothing you’ve ever felt.

Fill up your hands with soil and bile and the rotten eggs you tread on, smear your face with shame, perversions and spiteful words you’ve laden upon others. You have to see the dirt, to taste it, to smell it. You’re gonna bond with festering bacteria that lives in disrupted guts and shit.

Because choosing love churns shit and it’s messy. Don’t be precious because shit can stain.

Choosing love? Don’t be precious about anything.

Love rips up the pleasantries and vomits on obligation. Nice? Forget it

Because choosing love doesn’t carry you, or soften the strike with feathered blades, it dissects you; it burns from you tattooed ideals and dented understandings

Choose love and you choose transparency as love isn’t blind. Love doesn’t play the game. Love isolates you from disillusioned masses and fake branding.

Choosing love, unconditional and universe-creating love invites old habits and disgusting manners back to the table.

Bring it ALL to the table, says love. There’s room.

There’s room for the dirt and the tears and the mess and the pain. There’s room for mistakes and mishaps and misunderstandings and misery. There’s room for the shame and perversions, the wrongs and the rights.

Choose love and you can’t deny hate

Choose love and you won’t shun pain

Choose love and you see there’s no distinction between the two.

 

 

Little understandings

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There’s a whole universe swirling inside of me

No wonder I can’t count my steps

Or keep to time

Because our concept of time isn’t very forgiving

No wonder I can’t feel the same morning noon and night

Or understand why I’m told to behave in ways that often feel wrong

Because the rules inside of me don’t match those outside

For instance, the continious happenings

Like the storms and the seasons and the birds and the bees

They make sense to me

But not in ways that need explaining

Because I think the Why is experienced

Whereas

When land is sold and destroyed

Land that completes us, land that provides more for us than prayer and promises

Such actions need explanations

But no one can explain reasons I understand

The concept of ownership baffles me

Because what do we really own?

The bird that perches on the tree

Knowing permission is always granted

The bird carries no weight, no fear of another tree refusing him to settle.

What ownership comes into play there?

And birds migrating

They follow their knowing

The way

But what happened to our knowing?

I know nothing, most of the time

I’m lost in a world programmed by minds working within their own boundaries

I’m lost within their minds, as I’m sure they are too

I can only comment on my own boundaries and even those I cannot comprehend

I can’t explain the complexities I feel or the many faces I wear

I cannot put into words how I feel when clouds decorate the sky

But for the clouds, they’re not decorating

Their purpose is purposeless, as they worry not of our perceptions

They exist because they exist and not for us

They exist with us

Evolving effortlessly as they morph

These natural cycles we examine and dissect

Do they know their influence upon us as they carry out such intricate jobs?

But we made that word. Jobs

And money

And dreams

Because dreams lack the presence of each breath

I use the word dream too much

And I’m half heartedly present

I dream to feel whole

To feel my power and might and fears and disappointments flood over me

And not fight

To ride

I don’t want anything more than to feel ok

But as I write this, I feel ok

So really I am just so scared to be satisfied?

We were taught to gain

So I dream to loose my fear of satisfaction

To feel secure in my universe even though I know stars die and comets collide

To know that I don’t have to understand why

To feel part of myself

And part of you

And part of the birds perching on the tree

Birds we ignore as we rush to get to our jobs on time

I dream to be satisfied with my valuable purposelessness

And that all I do feels right

Not tomorrow

But now

I dream of such simplicities

And to have little understanding but vast knowing’s

Knowing to trust

All that I am

Belong

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I’m no accident

No hand of luck

Or result of consequence

Led me here

I’m claiming one half and the other

I’m claiming everything

I AM more powerful than I believed

I learn

And I love

Learning to love painlessly

And when I don’t

I claim understanding

Because I can only know

To know what I know

And so to understand ourselves

Is as important as breath drunk deeply

As without

We slice and dice our life

Disconnecting from the totality of our brilliance

The phenomenal powers of the universe

The incomparable beauty

Lives within us

Generating electricity

And un-orchestrated rhythms

Intricate happenings

And microscopic life

Happening not to us

But in us

All wonders we observe above

To understand why and where and how

Has evolved so precisely within

So I’m claiming my own excellence

I’m no accident

And neither are you

We’re evolving perfectly

As life does

And we belong.

Explore

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When people ask me

What have you been doing for the past few years?

I say

I’ve been exploring

They say

Oh how exciting, where have you been?

I say

I’ve been exploring the universe

They say

Wow, do you work for NASA?

I say

No!

They say

So how did you explore the universe?

I say

I slowed down enough to stop moving

They say

How can you explore the universe if you’re not in the universe?

I say

I don’t need to be in the universe, the universe is in me.